bring it

yup, i think i might be letting the blog fade away. sorry folks! i'm just loving my other forms of writing and expression much more than this.

the dumpling is healthy and happy, the queen and i are surviving, the snow is falling on our little abode and all is reasonably well.

i've been taking care of our niece for the past little while, and it's nice to have some extra money as well as one more little screaming voice complaining and announcing the news. she is one, and just learning to pull herself up to standing. she loves to eat, cuddle and destroy things; so pretty much a normal baby.

for my own all-around health, i've been focusing on four pillars, trying to devote ten to twenty minutes per day on the following:

exercise
communication
expression
meditation


and while i'm not 100% successful every day, i've been tracking for a couple of weeks and i feel pretty good.

the driving lessons continue, the friendships deepen (and some older friendships fade) and i let go.

i let go of some of the ideas i had about my life. i let go of some of the judgments i had felt to be levelled against me. i let go of some expectations about how life should be fair (those just creep up, don't they?) and i rearrange my priorities.

she moves on. 

bacon, no witticisms

you know why i blog less now? it isn't just because i'm a mother of a toddler. it's because when i think of clever things, i'm too tired to write them down, and when i go to blog, my kid drives all the clever things out of my brain.

like just now, i sat down, and then got distracted by the dumpling looking for plastic balls to put in her little cup. we found them in the bucket of current favourite toys, and she added two combs so we could both comb her hair. then i remembered i had yet to put deodorant on, and she wanted more food, and now here we are ten minutes later.

and i cannot remember what drove me to start this entry.

we had a little party on the saturday night of canadian thanksgiving. the usual lovely crew came out, and EVERYONE brought bacon. it was a little ridiculous, actually. not that that stopped me from enjoying said bacon, maple bacon curry, and BLTs. there was also a good fire, on the second night, which was unscheduled. we had just found out the newest grandchild on the queen's side of the family had been born (quite early but nice and healthy lungs, so all good and she just went home the other day) and her daddy came by to join our two late-comers. it was a good weekend, though too much driving. two families when we are also building our own can make holidays... well, you know. but this *pagan tree holiday* we are not going to make it up to my parents' on the day of. we will alternate years from this point, as far as dinners are concerned.

the week after thanksgiving, the mother of chaos and the river died. she had been ill for a while. the dumpling and i had only met her once, but the queen knew her since they moved over from ireland; their house was the place he went to when he didn't want to go home.

the service was beautiful, really well-attended. i learned things about this amazing woman; i knew she liked art and animals, but the extent of both of those pursuits... she collected strays, both animals and people. she was the kind of warrior that the world needs more of.

we invited people over to our house after. it's terrible how it takes such a large event for us to gather in the satellites, for everyone to come back and say nice things about each other. we finally met chaos' girlfriend, and it's shocking how perfectly matched they are. who knew there was a woman out there who is beautiful, knows farming, likes metal AND flamenco, and is a mean shot? yes. i know.

anyway, i've noticed that i've catalogued events, but not my mind.

it's winter; snow snow snow. didn't get the garden turned or the bulbs planted. that happens every year but this year i had solid plans for it.

i've noticed that things that used to piss me off and drive me to act are greeted with indifference now. i'm not sure if that makes me less neurotic or just... sinking down.

i want snowshoes. i need outdoor cardio. ugh. 

tidbits

listen to annette hanshaw!

or if you prefer radio, listen to ckua. sometimes it gets too folky for me, but we often listen to the classical show in the evenings, and it helps the dumpling wind down for bed. the other night though, they were playing tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, and she got riled up. there was banging, climbing, giggling and some serious dancing.

her dancing is mostly from a seated position and involves basic bum shuffle, a mean shoulder shimmy, some hand waves and a side-to-side twist. when she's standing and we tell her to "shake your booty" she sticks her bum out. so damn cute.

been perked up considerably with the actual fall weather. staying up late to clean and prep for winter. finished cleaning all the appliances and actually raised my arms over my head in a victory walk down the hall. i heard cheering.

crazy plans this weekend, as it's canadian thanksgiving. one quiet night for me, as the queen has a troupe of boys he drinks with every year, one party night, two family dinners. i feel like such a grump that i'm dreading it. i could do two social gatherings, but three in as many days? ugh. oh well, at least the one at our house is looking pretty awesome. and hey, better too much family than not enough! give thanks for the good things in our lives that are often also a bit of a pain in the ass :) where would we be without them?

feeling rough?

people have been feeling edgy. edge-y.

the good news is that it will pass. the bad news is that it probably won't pass fast enough. the real news is you don't give a shit about later, because now is hard.

i can't tell you anything you can't refute, even if i am right. that's how powerful our emotions can be. that's how we convince ourselves all kinds of things are true.

look around, you think you aren't fallible to all kinds of prey? physical predators, mental predators. external predators, internal predators. see those being preyed on around you? see how they tell you they're fine, tell you they can cope? sometimes we aren't fine. sometimes it's not worth coping, sure.

but even when we feel boxed into a corner, the show ain't over. if you think you only have one choice, i can guarantee you have forgotten something.

sometimes we want to see big change fast. sometimes we think we can't wait, it's not worth waiting or waiting won't change anything.

but who judges a party at eleven o'clock? stay until it's over. stay until four. stay until the cops shut it down or it ends in breakfast.

if you're having a bad time, i have several things to say to you:

- me too. sucks eh? ah well. i've got some things i want to do and while i'm trying, i'll drink some water and talk to you.

- yeah that happens sometimes.

- i know someone who was having a bad time and then figured out some of their needs and got some met (not all, but hey, they're still working on it) and now they feel better.

- tell me.



sometimes when i'm doing a sewing project, it gets all knotty. i get frustrated when that happens. i was working, and then some tiny twist of thread fucked it all up.

at these times, i am very tempted to quit. sometimes i want to burn the whole project.

if i am lucky, i take a deep breath, cut the string, tie it off and start over. it takes longer, but i get it done.

if i am feeling especially choked, maybe because it has happened several times or other things have frustrated me already, i have to leave the project, leave the room.

today that happened. i feel like it's some kind of conspiracy, like the threads are out to get me.i can hear their evil laughter.

when i am feeling persecuted, that's when i know there is something else at work in my brain. so i go upstairs, pour myself a glass of water, and express myself in some way that comes more easily. work it out of me.

i'm lucky today that this feels easy. some days, everything feels hard. some days i give up, and go watch tv. some days i do something that i know i can do, and then at least i can feel slightly proud of myself when i am done.

i'm not confessing or giving advice, i'm just talking to the people who feel edgy. i feel it too. 

procrastination post

hello! i should be doing stupid computer printing work right now, so i thought i would update 18 strangers on my life instead.

the dumpling has been happily toddling around and screaming "nooo!" about all kinds of things, like not being able to play with the entire contents of our household while covered in tomato sauce, or having to wait 2.3 seconds for anything. parents these days, eh?

the queen is on a fitness kick, so everyday involves him working out and drinking the lemonade diet drink, followed by fiddling with a new server he is trying to create to store all of his data, instead of having 80 wires and external hard drives floating around. in theory, i applaud this; in practice, something is making him very frustrated and he declared last night that he really hates computers.

i have been working on the autumnal cleaning of the yard, and putting off the autumnal cleaning of the house. i am really kind of obsessive about cleanliness, so i actually clean the interior of my oven and kettle, and wash walls on a regular basis. but it's overwhelming me right now; the dumpling is exhausting, and i'm more excited to sew. however, missing this opportunity to clean means that winter will suck because i will feel grubby. i've struck a deal whereby i don't have to complete it until november, so screw the appliances and the pile of whatever behind the dryer, right?

i have been taking driving lessons! i am trading  lovely friend for olives and whiskey. she seems to really enjoy helping me out and hanging with the dumpling. they are both members of the "no wear socks!" club, so they bond over that. also, she calls the dumpling "my liege" as she feeds and fetches things. much more respectful than our term, "the tyrant".

i am finding myself short of temper today. i really want to kill the housefly in our kitchen. even if it means taking out the entire kitchen, it feels worth it.

i have been up for hours and have accomplished nothing, yet have been busy all morning. i guess i simply have not accomplished specific tasks. the dumpling had a great morning and i did a big favour for someone when they really needed it.

now i'm going to get that fly. and maybe throw out the dishes. yeah. 

circles

i've been collecting broken pottery and dishes, and i've discovered some lovely mosaics. i started browsing online to see what i could cover with the shards. i ended up convinced i need safety glasses and "tile nips", and dreaming about all kinds of decorated surfaces... steps toward the hot springs, etc.

i think i actually will make a stepping stone. find the cement shape, maybe at a thrift store; get the grouting powder and previously stated necessities; research it again because by then i'll have forgotten; make art.

my niece came over today, the one i will be taking care of come november. the girls chilled together, right up til the other mom came back. in the moment that i stepped to the doorway to greet her, there were tears. i came back and they both looked upset. i think the dumpling wanted her ball back, but didn't get it. my niece is a bit of a meatball :) she can hold her own on the playground for sure.

i find myself avoiding thinking of how the dumpling will socialize. that milieu was so terrifying for me, from childhood as early as i can remember right through to high school, whereupon i finally mastered that bullshit, and could eventually move on. i typo'd "move ion"; i think i like it better.

i've picked up reading a bit more. i read a book about the amish. i don't know why; i just wanted to. it was one of those storyish non-fictions that are easier to read for me, and i breezed through it in a few days, which felt awesome and oldskool. the queen has been reading too, so we pass time after the dumping has been laid to slumber reading together.

tonight i didn't feel like reading, so i came down and prepped some sewing, did some edging on a pair of sleeves. then i researched grouting mosaic tiles, and you see what i've done there? here we are. 

"garby! garby!"

infrequent blog posting!

things have been really lovely. the home front is rich and fulfilling; the queen works on the bus, i do some sewing, the dumpling finds tiny crumbs and fluff on the floor and brings them over to me, proclaiming that she has found "garby", and watches me put them carefully in the garbage can. she in also quite interested in modes of transportation, and can be found pushing cars and trucks around, announcing planes and trains going by, and actually perambulating! staggering into the middle of the road and straight for the windshield cleaning station at the gas station is already taxing my worrisome heart. yes, i am that mom. it's okay, the queen is the dad who lets his daughter play in puddles and with fire, so we balance out quite nicely.

it's finally becoming sweater weather, which cheers me up to no end. i don't know why, but i just don't like august very much. too much socializing? too much heat... not enough sweaters or tea. so now, while i am sad that we have to close the windows at night, i am pleased by cool breezes, harvests, and the notion of needing to warm ourselves.

i suppose there is more to say, but i am not interested in saying it. but take heart in the knowledge that i am feeling pretty okay these days. hopes the same for you.

off to the chem lab

well, the stuff that had me occupied in the previous entry kept me busy for a while. eventually i expressed myself enough (often in the form of complaining, though there was some observation and confusion as well) and to the right people (this was the key bit, i think) and 'processed' it. i now strongly dislike that term.

my favourite quotes from friends include: "good ruckus turned to dark ruckus and took a number of lights down with it" and "freaking out is not part of your emotional process. it's just freaking out".

now i have an anger hangover.

the queen is back in less than a week. i have a friend coming by with her hypo-allergenic dog for a li'l visit, and we have visits out to the farm for the next couple of days to water the dogs and flowers. when he gets back, we are off to visit the awesomes. it feels like a family reunion, the first one since that time we all got food poisoning :)

it's been interesting to be sans queen for the past couple of weeks. i find myself enlightened to be seeing what has changed in my behaviour, and what has stayed the same. the dumpling has claimed an extra passport photo of his and kisses it. it breaks my heart to see that affection she is maintaining for the queen.

i'm finding myself, both personally and socially, interested now in how to solve common challenging circumstances. i've spent time observing and identifying what usually fucks me/us up, now i want to problem-solve.

how do i/we deal with intrusive shit? what are "friendly barriers" we can build, how can i strengthen my support beams?

- emotionally
- logically
- crisis planning

don't diss the beige

holy crap!

went to a nice little festival, and it was two thirds a nice little festival and one third a total shit show. and which third do i carry home in my tummy, roiling around like a wounded weasel? that's right.

fortunately (for me) none of the (i'm going to use other people's words here, since it was their shizzle) 'intensity', 'drama', 'heartbreak' or 'unresolved anger' was mine. unfortunately for me, tension doesn't have to be mine for me to feel it, feed it and bring it home.

i'm going to do that bitchy thing now and not give any details out about anyone else's life. i know, i lead you on and then i leave you hanging. i can at least tell you that since i'm already upset about shit, i will do my best to witness some kind of process for those desiring some kind of process, and leave those alone who are asking to be left out of it.

... and maybe lay to rest the poor weasel who never did anything unweasel-like to anyone, yet somehow got dragged into this whole thing.

the queen is heading off to ireland in less than a week, for a three-week family trip (the dumpling and i were invited, but there are stag parties and other events that helped me decide to hold off and do a separate trip years later, with more b&bs and less pubs). during this time of solace and neatness the dumpling and i are going to spend a few days up in the city, take in a day of music festival, and of course i am planning to train her in my witchy ways. but that happens every day, so it's not really news.

after the queen returns, we will head off to visit the awesomes. i look forward to a more peaceful time, with less drinking, less yelling and just as much music.

one interesting thing about the festival is that our campsite saw two different lifestyles, and i got to watch the citizens interact. i saw ignorance, compassion, missed opportunities, new friendships, some people getting judged for other people's actions (and i saw that too much for my own comfort - i don't like it when people get lumped together), awkward sharing ("here, i made you some bacon... oh, you're vegan..."), and the neutrals.

i love the neutrals. we are a secret tribe who find something pleasurable in everyone. we tend not to be offended, and sometimes you don't remember our names, but you generally think of us as nice people. when mixing two different cultures together at one campsite, having neutrals heightens the chances of success. because we are neutral, we tend to blend in, so you might not know or notice that we help smooth the rough edges. we tend to blend in with our group, but that's sort of the point. we blend in with your group too. 

daily meanderings

hey hey!

we've been experiencing the epic heat wave that's been going around, but we just received 24 hours of sweet, sweet rain. now it's humid again, but my spirits have been lifted.

speaking of lifting spirits, a friend came to visit with her two kids this past weekend and we had tons of fun and some tiredness. her children are 2.5 and 0.9, so there was much peeing and spreading food around the house. in one day, we went to the playground, the grocery store, a restaurant for lunch, the kiddie pool and a four-year-old's birthday party. that's a lot of socializing and public venues. i don't know how the babes slept that night, but i sure passed out (after drinking with my friend until 2am, in the entryway, amidst candles).

the dumpling is super cute. her current favourite game is being chased; i sometimes have to move out of the way as she picks her escape route (which is often under the kitchen table). she's still a sworn scooter, but has allowed us to pry one hand loose from her as she walks, so maybe she's on her way after all. i suspect she will put off walking until one day she sees something totally awesome and my back is turned. so bring on the clowns. (okay, actually no. i mean, if you're a friend of ours and you're a clown, that's great, but don't hire some creeper, okay?)

she has become the ultimate picky toddler eater. i don't even want to get into it, but i will tell you i am desperately trying all the stuff from this dr sears guy. she likes watermelon, bananas, mac n cheese (the organic kind, i swear), cheddar bunnies, and other small animal crackers (fortunately with a bunch of toppings like cream cheese and peanut butter). that's it. she has decided to hate even yogurt and her old favourite, oatmeal. so sad.

anyway, i have nothing much to say but feel as though i've been ignoring you. so here you go. take it easy. 

and then there was the end of my day

ah, the inevitable low-down. hello, bummedness! it hasn't been long enough.

today i watched miss marple and ate. good food! spinach salad, tomato beef stew with pasta, rice crackers with almond butter and tiny pickles, apples, mandarin oranges, toast with avocado (and toast with cream cheese, and toast with red pepper spread).... and then there were the gluten-free cupcakes - chocolate of course, and the end-of-day snack; a rice bowl with braggs and veggies. cuz, you know. snacks are part of a healthy diet. mmhmm.

it was like i actually grew a hollow leg, which usually only happens to other people. that is seriously three times as much as i tend to eat.

the dumpling ate right alongside me, except, um, the cupcakes. chocolate is so bad, you know. i better eat it all, just to err on the side of cocoa-sated, conscientious parenting.

she doesn't really like raw spinach either. so far, she draws the line right after cucumber, and pretty much before any other vegetable (unless it's cooked). more of a fruit and bacon kind of child, you say? no no no, it's early yet! her predisposition toward lentils and hummous might really take her places!

but yeah, the post-festival low.

i talked to some people, and laughed with the dumpling, and spent time outside. the day passed. i kinda miss... stuff. my old life. decompressing all week long in the city, from the fair, with the other fancy, dancy people. having the time for that. being in the same space as more people i do these kinds of things with.

le sigh. 

mosquito bites on my sunburn!

listening to the american analog set whilst the dumpling naps.

we got home from a wonderful fair last night, and pretty much slept in the doorway. picking up the dumpling from my parents' was a lovely moment. she had clearly enjoyed herself but still needed to touch us a lot. i told her i concurred completely.

i did accomplish all i set out to do!

- wander off
- get drunk in the middle of the afternoon, then sleep it off and party at night (i did this on the sunday, after completing my volunteer hours)
- rock out volunteering with lockup (schlepping forever! and a day!)
- participate in the informal lost n found of the fair (lost my toque, found a flashlight)
- swim in the river (oh god. really. god. god was the entire river. i found religion and it is the driftpile river.)
- eat smokies and bacon
- eat fresh fruit
- laugh hysterically
- do the stage tour, where i see every band for twenty minutes, and find many good souls along the way
- take care of other people (and then other people took care of me. oh the wonders of it all.)
- wear my faery wings (leading to the stage manager calling me 'wings', which i really enjoyed.)
-wear rubber boots! it finally rained sunday night, so there was mud. i know the dumpling would have rocked it, but i'm sure she rocked the bowls of water my mom set out for her every day. water = best kid toy ever. bowl and spoons are a close second.

the music was, of course, fantastic. fred penner was ill and absent, but the mad bomber society and tzadeka both play a wild live show, and the bits i caught of snfu, flying fox, mike dunn and whoever those guys were who were rocking out the volunteer party were all fabulous. also, the kitchen party looked really hot.

now i am missing the fair. i am not sad yet; aiming for happiness but probably achieving desperation... nonetheless, enjoying myself. desperately.

there were highlights, but they are strange and inexplicable (even i didn't understand what was with all the clubbing). i hope that my peeps got home safe. some i know are still up in the city, and the awesomes might be facing power outages and funnel clouds.

so it goes; onward. enthusiasm flags and is renewed. 

i know where my towel is

just in case you were wondering, it's still hella windy here. the wind blew in clouds, and then blew them around, after which it rained. then the wind blew the clouds away, so now it's sunny and windy. repeat. (it makes the trees look like they are freaking out.)

the wife came to visit! she is so unwife-like - it looks good on her. that's what happens when you quit cohabitating i guess. your wife is no longer your wife, but she's still hot. but to dub her my ex-wife makes me sad. are we separated? booooo!

with the so-called wife came batdog, the wife's mom and another gnome, one i've missed. last night, we had a small fire with the scrap wood from the bus insulation job and listened to the coyotes howling.

today they left, and i felt sad. i got over it, but it made me realize that i do miss other gnomes. the gnome home run was an epic one. half a block of friendlies! sometimes too friendly! since the bulldozers ran through the properties, the wife's mom calls it the 'gnome hole'.

the fair is this weekend! four hazy days away from the dumpling, who is hollering right now from the ring of neglect. she really enjoyed the company. she blossoms, really: i think she's a partier. she will be partying with my parents - good luck to them.

packing for the fair is exciting: bring summer things, including swimsuit for the river. bring winter things for the night time. bring rainy things, because it will very likely rain. bring costumes. bring camping supplies. bring flask. bring shit-eating grin. if you're looking for us, we'll be at the back left (not stage left, left from where you stand at the entryway, dazed) by the swimming hole. although who knows where i'll be, really. i've heard the steam pod is going to be all sweet and non-political this year. sounds awesome.

pack towels. 

mondays are always weird

the weekend has been deemed successful.

we spent friday night out at the farm with our sweet lady hank. it rained all night and the sound of rain on a school bus roof is fantastic, let me tell you. so much so, we got a late start to the city, and showed up to the three-year-old's birthday after the clouds had rolled in, so no swimming for the dumpling. she did get to play in the purplesand box though, and probably still has purple sand in several tiny pockets of her invisible filth cloak.

and we got to eat many food items and have a "parents round" of tequila shots at the end :)

the dumpling and i met up with my mom and hung out for a bit, and the queen (who i'm considering re-naming brutus) went to the blues jam, from which he did not really return until the next morning (there were two glimpses of him in the interim, but i am determined to consider those sightings to be holographic images).

i was pretty exhausted saturday night. i'd been staying up late every night this past week working on the spoken word piece for fieldinbloom's album (that will be out on vinyl! but not for like, a year, because the second side is with his new band, so they need to tighten up first). we stayed at fieldinbloom's place and i wanted to hang out, but after a couple of glasses of wine, i followed the dumpling to bed and slept so well, i was up at seven the next morning, all chipper. it was strange.

sunday afternoon i went and did my piece at the studio. they liked it, but i wish my lungs were in better shape. no deep breathing, no yoga, no bike rides makes this mom a weak singer :( oh well. my arms are getting buff.

coming home last night was fabulous. laying on the couch in an old sesame street t-shirt with the queen after the dumpling retired for the evening with her precious blankie... oh my.

today i am enjoying myself, which is harder than it should be, but oh well. hammock, blogging, and listening to SNFU because they are playing the fair in a couple of weeks and it is so much more fun to know the music. i have already completed my daily house tasks, and a curried pumpkin soup is bubbling gently in the slow cooker (parsnips! water chestnuts! coconut milk!).

if you are pissed off at the idea of waiting a year to hear the song i contributed to, i can't share the neat drum beat and cool guitar bits, and i would feel weird sharing field's lyrics, but here's the line of mine he liked the best:

we can't set you free without you

random

check out this neat publication i found on the internet regarding depression, written by some folks at the university of coimbra, portugal. they worked with ninety people, "patients suffering from depressive symptoms and/or that find compassion difficult or scary." i love it. compassion can be terrifying. 


"For people suffering from depressive symptoms, having been shamed by an attachment figure may be a major block to develop self-compassion and receive compassion from others and may constitute an important obstacle to recovery."


amen. 

strange winds

the weather has been really wild here lately. i fucking love weather; how we cannot predict it, how quickly it changes in alberta and how fabulous it makes me feel. last night's thunderstorm was so loud i actually worried about trees falling on our house. the windstorm earlier in the week was also epic (how do the clouds fall into those shapes?), and now that the wind has blown away the mist from this morning (the dumpling and i were out foraging in the tall dandelions - so cute how they get her wet up to her waist!) i'm watching the trees get whipped around some more.

i'm having really weird maternal urges; daydreaming about more babies, adoptions, being foster parents... it's really freaky. i don't know what to do with myself. maybe there's some kind of herbs i can take? non-breeder medicinal capsules or something? :(

must remember morning sickness...

other than the weather and my barking ovaries, not much is happening. the dumpling says "teeth" and "sock" now. she has amazing tempo and is slowly gaining in mobility. her escape attempts from being diapered and pottied indicate that she has the skills. i think she just likes where she's at most of the time. still, we are about varied activities that inspire her to climb and hike and all that good stuff.

we are heading into town this weekend to go to a three-year-old's birthday bash and for me to help fieldinbloom on his album. i'm really enjoying coming up with some compassionate lyrics. a link to a completely different song by his completely different band can be found here.

posting!

june! hammocks, dandelions, bees, long sunsets, longer days, lousy albertan beaches.

my to-do list today included:
lay in hammock;
go to playground;
get eggs from liquor store;
have awesome bath;
wax legs;
mow lawn.

so far, i've done the legs, the eggs and the playground. that's how mellow it is.

i'm probably not even going to finish this blog entry.

tough times, still sweet

spent the weekend out at the bus in the woods. even though it was kind of crappy in a way, it still rocked. camping is like that.

the dumpling is cracking out yet another tooth, which makes her very sad and prone to cold or crispy foods. the queen put up the solar panels to charge hank's extra battery, which when we live full-time in hank will power our computers, coffee grinder, etc. yay solar power.

i ate too much watermelon and got indigestion so harsh i vomited several times. eventually, the queen's parents donated some antacids, and fifty minutes later i felt sweet relief. but it parked me for the night, so the queen and chaos had to continue the fire-side party. who knew watermelon could be so perilous?

yeah, chaos came out both nights and slept on the old car seat/bench that is parked out by the fire. he claims the comforts of hank are too strong for his taste; he prefers frost and ash.

i'm hoping my anxiety levels drop somewhat, though i am impressed with my anxious accomplishments: depression is way less productive than anxiety. when i worked for someone else, i was indifferent, but now that i work for the three bees, being too anxious to sit down means i get more sewing done, in a cleaner house, with food cooking - that i don't eat because i feel too stressed out :(

in direct correlation to more stress, i spent the dumpling's nap on saturday reading two thirds of a terrifying book about cougars, which means i spent two hours saturday night being unable to sleep, re-thinking all the stories about dead children. i was hoping the book would be informative, and it was, but the information is terrifying. basically, there is very little preparation one can make. and they are probably in your urban area anyway, especially if you live near a river or some forest. they love your children, and the only thing you can do is be a bigger, meaner cat. good luck with that.

anyway. north country fair is coming up, and i intend to shake it all loose. 

abiding

i'm enjoying the first rush of dudeism.

my favourite quote so far is from an article called "dudeism for chicks":


this is the great lesson of the big lebowski;
all of us have parts that are broken
and some of us are sociopaths.


awesome. that kind of sums it up right there. 

merlot and the rain

we did our weekend at the farm: in the woods, with hank and the awesomes and chaos (who only broke his own banjo this time). chaos' sister was there too, and i finally have a name for her. she is the river. she calls me the rock, so it really works.

a few other people came through, and there were only minor burns and bruises. the dumpling evolved her techniques of eating and being cute. we saw tiny frogs and one deer. looking all pristine and unsuicidal (this is in relation to deer being large, suicidal rabbits when seen from the road, not about the suicide of my friend a couple of weeks ago). gaia was out in force.

we are planning to be out with hank most weekends this sumer. this coming weekend, we are going to bring the cat! adventure is everywhere! it's important to acclimatize the cat to bus-living for eventual extremist hippie plans. chaos was wishing for a tribal lifestyle; he would be good at it too. flamenco, hatchets and a large beard can take you places.

other than that, it seems there are tiny sprouts in the garden, and another plot is severely overdue to capture all the herbs n stuff i sprouted indoors. i have littered sunflower seeds all over the bare patches of the yard, and hopefully they take pity on us and glow the place up :)

fieldinbloom is working on an album and wants me to throw down some spoken word about liberation and rising from the ashes of tragic consumerism and earth-destruction. it's been a while since i opened that door, but for this friend, it's an opportunity, not a chore. i can embody this phoenix. 

anger, yours and mine

i need to figure out my stuff around holding onto other people's emotions.

specifically, anger and frustration. for some reason, these emotions were taboo in the household growing up. so when people raised their voices, it was a seriously bad deal.

now that i think of it, i wonder if actually, i made it a bad deal. maybe other people in my household just raised their voices, felt frustrated and angry, and then worked it out. maybe they didn't carry it around like i did. like i still do.

other people's moods are just that. but then, emotions can be so... easily absorbed? so... fluid. they can just wash right over me, and get in my ears and up my nose.

i think my problem is actually that i take their anger personally. when someone is sad i don't look for a cause in myself. why do i blame myself for other people's bitchiness? that is complete and utter crap (trying to swear less). taking other people's bad moods personally makes living with people who are easily frustrated rather traumatizing. i remember this from experiences in cloud nine, and at the speakeasy (that's what was going on in that post).

so, now that i have identified the problem, let us stare blankly at the wall for some time.

ugh. okay, first, try to notice when this is happening. what do i do? try and appease. okay, first step, don't appease. need to do something else instead. opposite of appease is incite, which i'm not sure is wise for anyone, but might provide comic relief in my head.

"yeah, you're feeling pissed off? well fuck you!"

so much for less swearing.

okay, so what is a neutral action? on a side note, since i think a neutral action is no action at all except some kind of non-violent communication like "i see that you are swearing and hitting this inanimate object," did you know that one of the synonyms for appease is to 'be enough'? there is some deep shit stuff in there, which i am going to just cruise on by for now.

you know, i should probably just cop to my own anger. then maybe other people's anger might not scare me so much.

i am not sure how to own my anger. i can feel it. is that it? sometimes it helps motivate me to accomplish things. in a bit of a fury, sure.

i think other people's anger bothers me because of the loss of control. i fear what they can and will do to me. i am not a very good judge of when someone is going to, say, strike out physically. so i live in fear when other people are angry. do i take it personally, or do i simply seek to appease out of fear?

perhaps the question is 'how do i deal with being afraid of other people's anger?'

take up martial arts? ha, i just misspelled that 'marital arts'. maybe it is a hint. 

garbled

i have two letters planned, and i find myself lurking on social websites instead. had a chat with a friend in another province who didn't make it in to the memorial. i seem to be connecting more with people who are further away.

sometimes down time lends itself to good. other times, just cute things and weird stuff, but not real process.

a new day now. trying to put my grief into action. i need to garden, but i'm resisting. like washing the dishes is therapy, when it isn't. i'm still hiding.

but i have to blog. because i want the pigeon mistress to see this comic. this whole blog may exist merely as a vehicle for secret messages to her. the entries before we met could be fiction, establishing me as a random, one-time co-worker so she would not suspect. creeped out yet? ha ha. sigh.

no, it's just another way to avoid writing about what i need to write about.

today i tried to do the daily stuff. i even mowed some lawn. i also wrote and mailed one of the two letters. it was a challenge to write, but it loosened the weight.

the dumpling is feeling better, so it's easier to say bright and cheerful things. sometimes that works for the inside too. not so much today.

tomorrow, i garden. i want to be exhausted at night. 

...

my friend committed suicide monday night.

i had known her for about ten years. she gave good hugs. we shared long ones. she danced. brighid and i stayed with her when we went up to the city last winter. before that, i hadn't seen her since the summer, at a festival. she sat in hank with her cute blonde friend, and we all chatted.

when i stayed with her at her hobbit cottage, we sat up late one night and drank a bit of scotch, and talked. we talked about a lot of things, including depression. she spoke of how she had been traveling in her youth and got really, really sick. after that, she lived with depression. that's just the way it was. she tried a lot of things, and they would work for a bit, but then.

she was doing pretty well at the time, had a book that was reminding her. i forget the title but i can see it. i remember looking at the book, and it seemed familiar, like i had seen it years ago when i lived in cloud nine. i remember wondering if it would help me with my own depression.

she seemed optimistic. she seemed tired.

we wanted to play cribbage, but she couldn't find the board. she looked really hard, too. she was pretty focused on it. eventually we played just keeping score on paper.

i wonder who will take her three cats. 

pretty much a waste of your time

i'm really blogging so that you will go look at this hilarious site. cream cheese as deodorant. thank you. i needed that moment in my day.

the dumpling enjoys her socks. when she sees me bring out the socks, she puts her feet out for me to put them on. she then pulls them off, dangles them over her feet, waits for them to reassemble... today she pulled purple socks off while on the potty, then stuffed them down in there. oh yes. those socks went into the diaper pail.

she spends most of her time sleeping, eating and making waste, and it takes me back, thousands of years, to when that's what most of us did with our days.

evolution.
evolution?
no, of course... it's just that we're so busy.

the queen is down south, picking up mr awesome's brother. he's in the province/prairies for a while, visiting family. the boys will likely be out late tonight, and i've got into a nice bottle of the queen's homemade merlot, aged an extra six weeks in an oak cask, then a while on our shelf. the dumpling snores on (not really, but murmurs occasionally. two new teeth coming in). she had a good day; watermelon, walking, wriggling'n'giggling. she has been practicing words, in a gently expressive way that of course warms my heart.

going to go finish re-alpahbetizing the vinyl. go look at that site at the top of the entry. spend too much time there. listen to air while you're doing it. 

things that make me happy

it's grey again, but i had my one cup of coffee, and now i'm drinking twig tea. i listened to some nice piano recital music today. some good chopin. patient, happy music. makes the weather its bitch, if you will.

the dumpling says "baby" now, and coos when she sees baby faces in books. she also cheerfully greets her own reflection in things like the dryer and the overflow drain in the bathtub. "hiiii!"

my mom has been spring cleaning out her attic and had a pile of things for me to look through this weekend, including a picture of my childhood cat, my old report cards and my grandma's travel bathroom suitcase (with her initials). what a score... i'm still debating what to do with it; original purpose, sewing case (i sewed last night! also made me very happy!), or one of the many ideas i saw while looking for a picture of a suitcase that most reminded me of my new treasure. it could be a dollhouse, a chair, a cat bed (that the cat would no doubt ignore, so too bad olive)... yay!

yeah, the sewing was good. i mended a shirt of the queen's (i'm going to pile up his mended items and give them to him for his birthday, ha), and made a skirt. i have another skirt pinned to do tonight!

our weekend was good. very full, but some chilling out time in various places with lovely company. we stayed at our friend fieldinbloom's, and i sat in his special chair. he has an extra surface that hangs over his front entry way. it sits just behind the kitchen counter. most people would put plants there, but not our fieldinbloom.

day eleven

i made a cup of black tea. i don't feel guilty. black tea is a grey area - i had it on days one and two. it's just so grey outside... i was listening to some upbeat jazz, but now i've just got this one george harrison song on repeat. it's better. it feels the way i feel.

music used to be a big mood-setter for me. now it's usually just background music. how sad. i mean, i still get pleasure from playing it, but it used to help me connect more strongly with myself.

we're going to the city this weekend. it's supposed to be miserable road conditions. the dumpling is going to my parents' for saturday night and we are going to stay with our friend fielding. he lives a few doors down form the wife, but doesn't live with four children, so we are staying there instead of at the zoo.

current nicknames for the dumpling include the pork chop, pigeon, grublet, monkey and endless variations on her actual name. she went through another growth spurt and is starting to resemble an actual child; just a tiny, tiny version of one.

here is a louder version of the george harrison song if you use tinny computer speakers like me.

i'm going to go sweep out an empty hank now. fitting? maybe. 

late night on day nine

i can't sleep, so i guess i'll blog instead. that's a promising start to this entry, which will surely be pithy and grammatically correct.

here, read this entry instead. it's more interesting. or read notes from my friend in jail for not even protesting the g20. the blog belongs to one of her co-accused, but that entry is all hers.

for some reason, i thought the second week of the cleanse/detox would be easier. i mean, i'm past all the physical withdrawal symptoms (which were really just coffee) and i've developed all my interim coping mechanisms (which are really just tea) and i'm over halfway done, so what's the problem? the problem is that coffee is my friend and now i'm lonely. and without a glass or two of wine at the end of the day, i actually have to admit that i get pissed off and crabby about shit.

i journaled a bunch of crabby attitude to get it out. now i have a headache and it's late and i still don't want to go to bed. there are other things going on in my life but i don't feel like blogging them, so now i don't feel honest. some things are too private: either positive or terrifying, they are still in the cocoon, and i don't want to give the butterflies stage fright. not on their first time, you know?

our provincial election sucked, by the way. oh well. i think i'll just sit here in the dark.

if i won the lottery (which i have no tickets for) i would move to the town the awesomes live in. 

day seven

ahoy. happy earth day. today we went out to ya ha tinda, the only federally operated horse ranch in canada (they train horses to patrol national park boundaries), and had a picnic and a wee hike. the dumpling's first hike! she insisted on climbing tiny hills in her little pink runners. she huffed and puffed and her hat almost blew away. we saw some of the bighorn falls (most of the falls was still frozen - ah spring). the only wildlife we saw were a couple of eagles (and deer, i suppose, but once you live outside of the city, deer seem less like wildlife and more like large, suicidal rabbits). it was incredibly windy; less rice cereal and cheddar bunnies, and the dumpling may have blown away.

the weekend has been lovely, though a little more difficult in terms of the detox: new challenges. but we persevered (and ate a little bit of chocolate and some cheese)! i wasn't, for some reason, looking forward to the weekend. i think i like my routine, and my alone time during the dumpling's daily nap. but now, sunday evening, i feel sad that the weekend is over. we had friends over, we played cards and laughed, we ate celery instead of chips and drank tea instead of beer. and we had a great time. the weather finally came through and we all have pink cheeks now. we enjoyed ourselves.

hank (remember hank?) is getting a makeover! i cleaned out all the dishes n blankets n stuff, and the queen is ripping up the carpet and taking out the table and cupboards and crib he put in. by may long weekend (hopefully) there will be hardwood floors, room for a small wood stove, bunk beds (no, we are neither pregnant again nor planning a second child, it's just practical) and did i mention hardwood floors wow!! then hank will get a nice scrubdown and prettied right back up, with the magnetic poetry all over the ceiling, a few less windows and no doubt, an olive curled up somewhere soft (she quite likes the bus, and i think it's mutual).

and so. time continues to pass. the provincial election is tomorrow. 

day four

i think i'm past the super cranky detox stage! now into the "are we there yet?" sad sighs. the community bus took us into town this morning, and we had to walk past all the goodies (baddies). so we bought strawberries for the queen and i (and cheddar bunnies for the dumpling). also, detox tea, lemons, broccoli. sigh.

are you aware "they" make rainbow bread? a loaf of bread dyed all the shades of easter, available at the co-op. it's really messed up. "did you get your daily dose of yellow no. 4? try our freshly dyed bread!" creepy.

i had a wonderful dream about ordering a milkshake. in the end, i couldn't get espresso for it, which made me sad. i think i got mango instead. even my dreams are decaffeinated. i distinctly remember wanting three shots of espresso. i could visualize the layers...

the dumpling is getting quite fervent in her pointing, but sometimes i think she just points to get a reaction. either that or she's excited about things i can't see. i suppose that's a reasonable option. current favourite destinations for her crooked little finger include the ceiling fan, the guitar, and our cat, but only when she sits on the fence outside the kitchen window and stares at us. peeping tom cat.

we're contemplating driving up to the city, but i'm sort of bored with the idea. since the wife works weekends, we don't really see her anyway. fate is plotting to fill all of the houses we can stay at with dogs (i'm allergic) and newborn babies. no thanks. there's one friend i should call though. and it would be nice to see her. it's just such a long drive, and it's supposed to be so nice this weekend, who wants to spend it in a car?

day two

the queen and i are doing a detox. no booze, smoke, coffee, sugar or junk food for the foreseeable future. it's just been a little too fun lately, so we thought we should bring more clean living into our days. we went out last weekend with the queen's brother and bijou to see a "doors" cover band, it was hysterically funny. i can't even get into it. faux morrison was dressed to the nines - leather pants, hair style, etc. but yeah, i got a bit too happy :( i even bailed on the gluten-free and ate pizza! scandal, i know. so no more toxins until i'm happy without them.

the coffee is pretty hard for me. i'm having trouble waking up, and then i'm having trouble falling asleep. last night i was up until four. it was super fun waking up this morning.

the queen got a root canal today too. poor guy. i'll be puréeing his soup this evening. i'm pretty focused on fresh vegetables and herbs for the duration of the cleanse (there's oregano and sage in the soup), but it was snowing AGAIN this morning, and i just had to cook something up. plus potatoes are pretty weird raw. i've done it, but i was hitchhiking. there weren't many options. i stopped at one. raw onion was pretty fun too.

but i digress. not that i have anything to -gress back to. five hours of sleep yay!

all things something else

i have been avoiding talking about all the feeling stuff for a while; my life's evolution, my purpose, my level of satisfaction about all things not dumpling. most of my life i have found value in processing my emotions, but right now i am finding value in the opposite. i feel better keeping busy. i do have time now to "figure something out" but i would rather not. i'm not sure it's the most valuable way to spend my time right now. i don't think i would benefit from mulling anything over right now.

or maybe i am just avoiding facing something. either way, i think i have tended to err on the side of dwelling for most of my life, so whatever. let it go for now. if there's an elephant in the room, it will probably still be there.

when the awesomes left last weekend and the smoke cleared, i discovered that a little bird left four squash in a bag for us. i roasted them last night; two to be blended up for the dumpling, two went into a nice soup last night with beef, onions, mushrooms, cumin, s&p, some freshly grated nutmeg and a touch of molasses. our sudden spring snow yesterday evening made it a good day for a stew like that.

snow was still falling this morning, making spring seem like a dream, or today like a nightmare. not a terrifying wake-up-screaming dealio, more like the depressing, repressive kind where you eat grey food and wake up feeling like you've been taken by the borg. but even with all this greyness, i can't keep still. i'm going to wash the basement floor and bake something with these seriously brown bananas. i've already unpacked my summer shoes because i DON'T CARE IF IT'S SNOWING IT'S STILL SPRING. WINTER IS NOT ALLOWED. thank you.

all things dumpling

the tiny cutie deserves a whole entry.

most nights, after she is asleep, i miss her. yes, i know, this is ridiculous.

she has increased her scooting speed enough that the queen put up the baby gate today. sadly, it separates the cat from the cat food. oh well. more importantly, it separates the baby from the stairs.

she now says "puppy", although i've noticed that she will learn a word, say it for a few days and then store it away somewhere (hopefully) and move on.

the way her face lights up when she sees the queen, either of the grandmothers or any small person is enough to make your heart soften to room-temperature butter.

a friend of ours picked her up a pink pegasus costume, which she looks adorable in. of course, since she looks adorable in everything, i'm sure you assumed.

the queen plays "chase" with her, and i am her escape vehicle. she, of course, has to stop and turn around every now and then, to make sure he is still chasing (sometimes he "falls asleep" in the hallway, like a dragon of fairy tales). in related matters, she hugs me fiercely, which i appreciate and reciprocate.

so yes, she flirts, smiles, dances, eats, drinks, sleeps and scoots in a very little dumplingish way. since we started feeding her a huge bowl of rice (and quinoa and oat) cereal every evening, she happily sleeps through the night.

her favourite foods are toast and avocado, lentil soup, fruit snacks, and all things carbohydrate. she dislikes stringy foods, like sweet potatoes, homemade canned peaches, and usually but not always, bananas.

she is this big: when seated on the bottom step to get her shoes put on, she can touch the floor with her tiny toes. of course she is seated on the edge of the step, not far back. don't be ridiculous - she's not that big. although the queen has an obsession with her size - her back is huge, she is a very big girl, even her tiny boogers are ginormous to him.

if anyone could bring world peace through cuteness, i suspect (and i am not biased, no) it would be this little dumpling.

mud is glorious

so!

the house was warmed by our lovely visitors! then we took off to the awesomes' place and warmed their house. it got downright hot out there! the littlest possum had a birthday, the older possum had a concert (she sang "your cheatin' heart" by hank williams, and totally rocked it), mrs awesome played a show AND there was childcare, which i totally took advantage of. the dumpling came through loving life even more (if possible) and has finally learned some mobility - she scoots. sitting on her bum, pulling herself forward with her hands. poor large-headed grublet, it's so tough balancing a watermelon on a peroghy.

it finally feels like spring (i think i said that a couple of weeks ago) - muddy, breeze from somewhere other than the north, choice in jackets not limited to wool or lined... the windows open, the flies coming to life, the cats coughing up fur balls... i hope to let the spring into my blood. i hope to come to life as well.

things n stuff

i'm getting visitors this week! a few people stopping by on their way to and fro, and the wife is bringing bat dog for two days! we are all very excited. the house needs some fresh air. i love how after people visit, you can look around your house and see them there.

spring has sprung - it is snowing, but the snow is melting. yeah. went through spring clothes for the dumpling.

i am losing the war on pink. the dumpling's wardrobe has, i think, more pink than not. there are some fabulous non-pink things that i (and she, mostly cuz of the zippers) love her wearing, and there are even a few cute pink things. but when half the laundry is pink, it's a bit weird. for me, anyway.

i signed up to volunteer at a festival this summer, and arranged for the dumpling to go to "festival of grandparents" on the same weekend. it will be the first time since before christmas that i will be dumpling-free overnight. i can't even think about what that means. my pre-baby brain (what's left of it, anyway) boggles in astonishment.

the queen and i did our taxes tonight. it was pathetic and terrible, but at least tomorrow i can mail them and they will be gone. i find the government very pissy today. they can suck my hangnail.

anyway.

an entire post to get to one question

how do you deal with a zealot?

and to clarify, i don't mean 'how do you change the mind of a zealot' or 'how do you deal with the fact that there are zealots in the world; making decisions, "teaching" your children.'

how do you actually connect with a zealot? communication. i mean, i don't actually want to hear what a zealot says. my bias, apart from any biases the other might have, prevents any clear-headed understanding of what they are saying. i just hear what will support my judgments.

... which is, essentially, my definition of current-day zealotry (historical zealotry being perhaps different, non?). i looked up the wiktionary definition of being zealous and realized that i am actually referring to being overzealous. i fear passion; specifically, i distrust how it blocks the voice of caution (i'm not going to say 'reason'. i don't believe in that word anymore).

i know that caution can cause accidents. going too slow on the highway, being too slow to convict a hitler, etc. i have no reason to distrust passion more than caution. i'm not sure if i am even capable of separating passion from desperation.

how do you deal with that part of yourself that wants something so strongly it won't see any other option?

in other news: click if you need a mantra for your anxiety or if you are looking to renew the reality in your writing.

stuffed-up doze.

i'm sick - again, still, dunno, who cares. don't need your sympathy (unless it comes in the form of dumpling-care) just want to disclaim any misuse of semi-colons.

linkety links: have you heard that meme about how women are half the population, blah blah blah and own less than one percent of the property and make one tenth of the money etc etc etc? it's apparently false. who knows what's true, but that's false.

next: have you listened to some odetta recently? please do.

gee, what else?

we were watching "three days of the condor" recently. i love how in the 70's, orange was a government colour. all the film CIA, FBI, WTF, they all have cheesy orange walls and "futuristic white" chairs. how wonderful. in the past, the future was funky.

i de-cluttered a particularly cluttered part of the house last week. i really think there needs to be a big ceremony and some ribbons when i do this: i feel like i've accomplished a major feat against insurmountable odds. the feeling is rather short-lived; the white space in our house is some kind of vacuum for stacks of papers and piles of tiny picks and screwdrivers. but for a moment there - it kind of looked like other people's houses when i go visit them.

the chinook is incredible - we got a huge load of snow (when they close parts of the highway named after the queen, things be snowy) last week, and had maybe two days to play in it before the warm winds came and magically turned it all into a river down our street with a lake at the t-intersection. the dumpling enjoyed stomping in puddles (sort of stomping. okay, nibbling with her toes).

anyway. this week's dream is to pitch in with a friend who wants to buy a campground and turn it into a permaculture educational thingie. hug your cat.

narnia?

so we went into the nearby, larger town on the community bus yesterday. it's mostly elderly women and us. the dumpling is a highlight of the journey for the rest of the bus crew of course. and as she has become more accustomed to it, she has started to speak up and demand more busyness on the trips. the freedom from the carseat is pretty fun for both of us.

on this most recent trip, the regular driver was away, and the substitute driver is a retired marathonist or something, because we were hoofing it! bumps and revs and passing other vehicles like they were horses. imagine a short bus zooming past you on hwy 2; elderlies clutching to the handles for dear life, baby bouncing around...

when i started this post, the dumpling was sitting in an empty laundry hamper, victim of a teddy infestation. now she is chilling by the toy box, playing with a plastic handmedown.

i am starting to dream of summer - gardens, festivals, and of course hank the bus. the queen is going back to the home country with his parents and some of the siblings. originally, the dumpling and i were going to go as well (she still flies free) but after some thought and dialogue, i decided to pass on the adventure and just chill here. but where will here be? i intend to have my driver's license by that time, so we can take little road trips or we can go stay somewhere, like the awesomes' or my parents' place (i haven't asked either of said parties but i'm pretty sure we would be well-received). but there's the cat and the (as of yet hypothetical) garden, and my peace of mind, which i'm pretty sure resides in my craft room in the basement. we'll see. maybe a drive out to the mountains and a houseguest or two.

have dreams. plant seeds.

baa baa tired sheep

ohmigolly, more me!

well, i wanted to write a real post; not a rant, some wordy weeping, or an exhausted recounting of a crazy weekend (oxford comma BAM). that was supposed to be the previous post, but :(

for days (including right now) the dumpling and i have been listening to this set on vinyl which is totally worth it and sadly sold out. i guess you can order the cds if you're still into those.

i was pondering last night from the depths of my arts & craft room in the basement how much i have, in my life, valued being alone. being by myself, only responsible for myself; oh the joy. hitchhiking alone, quitting jobs and moving, wandering the streets... and now i won't be alone again, really truly alone, for a very long time if ever. and i'm learning how to not be alone. i mean, yeah i'm still alone in my head, but it is not the same. and it's challenging to sacrifice that solo time. i guess there is something to the idea of putting oneself into a foreign territory. the learning can be incredible. realizing how much i can cope... and what i can accomplish. but ugh. sometimes i miss my home of aloneness.

anyway, this is as much depth as you're getting right now.

endless noms

what is with this weird global weather, eh? i mean, we've been lucking out over here with the endless almost-spring, but still. bit freaky.

went to the city this weekend, visited the wife in her new abode (i know, i thought she was going to stay in her little back pocket place too, but then she was wooed by a siren with three children and now she lives on the same block as field-in-bloom, and almost directly behind an indian cafe with amazing gluten-free goodies). it was higher on the scale of crazy than previous wifely abodes, but it worked out okay. the dumpling was pretty good, but spoiled. we went out for dinner a couple of times so she got to sit on the floor with my keys and the queen's iphone set to the brian eno app that makes music. she was remarkably well-behaved, but i paid for it today when i wouldn't let her touch my iphone and she actually had a little tantrum. first tantrum. oh the milestones.

i'm getting bored of the food she eats. seriously. i'm nearly at the point of disliking avocado. and she eats way better when she and i share food (but not dishes or spoons, hellz no), but i don't care. fuck lentil soup.

the queen has a toothache. he got it checked out, and it's really expensive work; he doesn't get benefits for two weeks, so it's some crappy waiting. it sucks watching someone you love in pain when you can't fix it. damn it, why am i not a dentist. oh yeah, a million reasons.

i feel sincerely impatient with autocorrect, melting&re-freezing ice, wet pant bottoms, food under the high chair, politicians, making other people food, things that plug in and that annoying cross between a whine and a wail. also, the recycling. it GETS IN MY WAY.

i think my bottom lip is sticking out right now. i'm going to have a glass of wine. it's five o'clock in saskatchewan - mrs awesome should pour herself a drink too.

parenting for one year: check.

the dumpling is officially one. it was a pretty good birthday weekend, although we are turning into one of those households the queen and i didn't want to live in: too many plastic toys :( she did receive one wooden rattle with a snazzy orange handle, which of course she loves and plays with all the time. and truckloads of pink clothing. thank goodness my old friend from high school brought a bag of awesome hand-me-downs from her kidlet, which included a john deere hoodie and some tiny orange carhartts, so we still have a balance.

we took the dumpling to her first public pool experience. she was all "biggest bathtub ever! holy crap!" and had a great time. a small portion of the queen's family came out (the rest all working, or vacationing in various warm and/or more exciting places than this) and my parents drove down, and some friends from the city came too, which made it super fun. at the end of the day, i thought the dumpling would pass out from all the craziness, but of course she was too overstimulated and sobbed instead. a huge bowl of rice cereal eventually did the trick, after which the queen and i passed out on the couch.

to celebrate surviving one year of parenting, we picked up a nice bottle of oban scotch. we're simple folks :)

now the dumpling suddenly seems huge, with many skills. although she still needs me to operate the puppet and hold the tiny cardboard books, so no escape yet.

full moon my arse.

bad day. not the kind that leaves a scar, just, you know:

throwing something at the garbage and missing;

getting peed on (and then forgetting to change my pants);

a baby who doesn't want to eat but still has a bottomless pit;

a cat who flees early in the day and isn't seen again for hours (someone knew when to clear out);

getting up two hours earlier than normal for no reason in particular;

that empty feeling of nothing to look forward to;

forgetting the recycling when going for a walk, checking the mail but it's empty;

not doing yoga;

being plagued by dishes and laundry all day;

cold toast;

cold coffee;

near tears;

burned the grilled cheese sandwich that was supposed to make me feel better;

the newly cleaned high chair getting exceptionally dirty (wet dirty, how obnoxious);

poop;

apathy.

trying to list the good things, or at least the bad things that haven't happened, but it feels like thinking of starving children in africa just to make myself feel less pathetic, you know? bad days are bad days, no matter what the scale. some days i don't care if there is food in my fridge. i know i should but i don't. so what if i didn't break a glass? woo me. so lucky.

i don't feel comfortable with the plan for the near future, so it's difficult to look forward to something. and true to myself, i don't have a plan i would prefer, i just don't like the one we are making.

okay, there's my witticism-free late night post. onward and hopefully upward.

winter? what winter?

hi blog! i've actually been up to stuff!

we spent a lively weekend; at the farm for friday, hosting a lovely bijoux on saturday (i made alfredo sauce from scratch - cream cheese baby. cream cheese...) and went to my very first auction on sunday afternoon!

bijoux's mom runs an antique shop and is an old hand, but i was all excited as a newbie, and bid on the cutest little rocking chair for the dumpling - kind of an easy-glide rocking chair, covered in a dark olive green velour!!! so gnomy. it now seats the dumpling's teddy bears.

our auction experience was complete with western-dressed auctioneers; they were pretty mellow and only talked about four times as fast as i do when i'm excitedly talking to a girlfriend with whom i haven't spoken in months. also, there was a creepy man (balding with long hair and a greasy hat, long beard and a forest-bear demeanour. he wouldn't have been creepy except he was) bidding on old china dolls. when he won one he brought it back to his seat and took its hat off. i thought he would then fondle the doll but he fondled the hat. i know eh? people continue to surprise.

i've been doing yoga in the day. i'm pairing it with an episode of twin peaks so that i don't get caught up in how healthy it all is. seriously; twin peaks. if you haven't yet, please do. singing madmen, dancing dwarves (i mean little people), hilarious early nineties' fashion, soap opera mockery, and david duchovny as a cross-dressing DEA agent. thank you, david lynch. your surrealism cannot be beat.

this all seemed wittier and more exciting in my head, but that's how i roll i guess.

omg did you know national film board of canada shows videos on their website? yay childhood memories revisited!!!

so, a couple of days passed with this blog entry unpublished as i tried to think of something cooler to write. now i'm thinking i'll just publish it. and be lame. thank you, thank you.

evolution is dirty

watching "breakfast at tiffany's" with the dumpling. have never seen it before! it brings to mind, specifically, the nature of talent. am i deeply, importantly talented? or just cleverly, entertainingly talented?

i cried at the end of the film. of course. all will be well as long as Cat is okay. truly, i had to pick up my cat and sob while sitting beside the dumpling. who, relatively gently, petted the cat.

another quote, from music this time. "that old man/old woman you hope to be is still an infant." actually, the more complete quote is:

as far as we know there's only one way to gauge time

whether it's play time, work time or hit-the-stage time

hours, minutes and seconds; bars, beats and ticks

your watch isn't broken right now, there is no need to fix it

slow down for a moment and think about this in the context of instants

that old man or old woman you hope to be is still an infant...

i have this horrible confession to make. i am not truly in love with being a mom. i still miss my old life. i am two thirds this woman, except for the acceptance part. is this because enough time has not passed? am i still in the dark moon phase? am i still depressed, and this is why, although i know my child's fat little wrists thoroughly, it's more through being stuck with her every day than through the romance of motherhood? or am i just broken?

i have this sneaky feeling that although some women experience the born-again motherhood love-fest, many of us (at least more than i) just take on motherhood like the job it is; sometimes rewarding, sometimes a pain in the ass. i connect this somewhat to being not madly in love with crafts and kitsch, but who knows. maybe i'm just being judgmental :)

anyway. here is some writing i did. if you read these, maybe my dark egg of self-esteem will crack slightly. the first one is very recent, the second one about a year ago. also, kerry rae is a good photographer. so i'm really not asking too much.

insert sulk here

ugh. avoiding even blogging.

mostly i feel really boring, like i'm repeating my problems over and over again. in the reality tv show of my life, the writers are clearly grasping for new ideas. hopefully we'll find something other than trauma to get excited about over here. yay daylight.

cat? sleeping. dumpling? now points at cat and says "iddy!" or "diddy!" which yes, is very cute.

queen? braving the minus billion degrees out there to go to his terribly exciting office job.

we had a gathering this past weekend; it was normal. chaos and his lovely sister came by, and some friends from the city who are on their baby moon (due in march, dropped their toddler off so they could enjoy some baby-free time). surprisingly, nothing was broken. the storm was moving in that night, and the highlight of the night was our friend driving up from calgary and arriving at 2.30am. not that i was awake then.

found a new cartoon! super funny, even if you aren't a parent. it helped me avoid yesterday, until the evening. the evening kind of sucked. but at least my bad mood helped me in a way. you know when you're so miserable you seek out lousy activities so as to better feel sorry for yourself? so my hand wash got done and i finally took out the garbage. woo.

then i retreated into the ray bradbury collection i've been flirting with for some time now. i'm actually getting through it. though last night i was annoyed at how many exclamation marks and italics his characters use. they are clearly far more passionate than i am right now and it's annoying. sorry ray.

i recently, in a fit of good mood, joined the local library and took out the new pd james book. have i blogged about this already? maybe an unfinished post... anyway, it was disappointing at first because it's a sequel to pride and prejudice, which i dislike. but it still had her eloquent writing skills and intricate plot, so it eventually redeemed itself.

winter sucks. go away. also, wtf american government? screw you.

more mayan jokes please

ushering in the new year with an entirely sick household. hopefully we all get over it soon. 'tis the season of germ-passing. ho ho hack up a lung.

so we've eaten lots of soup, drank lots of tea and slothed about like the sloths we secretly are. this morning the queen made us soup and tea and brought in juice boxes and we ate in bed with the dumpling eating bits of soup in bed too (less of a disaster than one might have reasonably expected. poor thing, her disaster capacity is down due to illness). now we've moved out to the living room. i got dressed but the queen is still in his bathrobe.

so, down with the wildlife calendar and up with the firefighters, search and rescue teams and other moustachioed heroes.

random time passed as i forgot about this blog entry. new day:

the queen: maybe we should rename olive something that starts with b, you know, so we can be the four bees.

me: bolive?

the queen: excuse me?

me: bolive.

of course, we were both ill, so it seemed funnier. i'm feeling better (but i know it's still in there), the dumpling ate a full breakfast today (it worries me when her horse-like appetite takes time off) and the queen is still down for the count, sleeping it off. you know how when you're pretty sick, it infiltrates your dreams? yeah, i don't remember them, but they've been weird. and the queen mumbled something about his dreams. i told him the pink elephants would save him, and left him a mug of tea. i am off to eat pickles now. for some reason (no, not preggers, promise) i have seriously been craving pickles. what does that mean? i have eaten half a jar recently. and i look forward to more today.

okay, time to finish that tiny writing gig, clean the bathroom and finish a letter. slowly. with pickles.