December 31, 2009

see ya later, crock-a-gator

one more for some random numbered year!

other blogs i read seem to think they should have a special entry for their last 2009 post. my reaction: "huh?" i still think it's october AND i don't care. i'll be leaving the gnomal environs soon, back to the doghouse, to read and drink warm irish drinks. this, to me, is a regular weekend.

i got the greatest hug ever today, from a will-be shaman. just thought i'd mention. then i had a nap with my buddy c-light. it's interesting how differently physical contact feels when one is not in a physically intimate relationship. it's all "whoa. are you really touching part of my shoulder near my armpit? that feels really awesome." i find relationships often leave me feeling physically drained. i'm not going to analyze that statement, as tempting as it is.

i visited my sweet kitten today. she smells awesome, and looks adorable, and still loves me. can you hear the small church boy calling from the steeple tower? "allll's we-ellllll!" in my world, anyway.

i am thinking about trauma, and trauma in the lives of others. do we help just because we can? i always helped, my ability to do so being the only prerequisite. then i added "they are already, in some way, helping themselves" to that list of necessary conditions. now, having just finished another short story, i wonder. maybe there should not be a list of defining occasions in which i shall help others. maybe i should just leave it up to the decision of the moment.

i think the moment is, in a way, the only time and place we can actually make a decision. so why steal that choice from myself, by enforcing a set of behaviours? i hate the dogma of others. why create my own?

one might say "well, this isn't dogma, it's my values." indeed. and what is the difference? values are guidelines, open to interpretation, whereas dogma is concrete and unbending, an extreme and rigid application of values. there is a difference. still, i now see values as a gateway drug. i think they can get in the way of being honest about what we need in the moment. i think people use 'values' as an excuse to be self-effacing, and to give themselves nightmarish realities.

most people i know don't err on the side of 'not enough values'. maybe not enough understanding of others, but mostly, not enough listening to themselves. there. one last judgment for 2009. listen!!!

December 25, 2009

dinner, in lieu of gaol time

perspective frames this entry. i've been working on making it a less stressful holiday season, and i think it worked. i mean, i cried quietly for the hour it took to get to the family's, but that was more fear and memory working. also, that "helpful" voice in my head telling me how terribly everything will go. it will be worse than your childhood! this voice assured me. but it wasn't.

it's surprising how much power over the stress actually is in my hands. and i listened to that annoying voice and then shared with it another example of how things could go: a mellow example. and i got the fearful voice to admit that neither of those things were happening at the time; reminded it of the peaceful car i was in, with friends of the family whose company i enjoy.

we arrived. i hadn't brought the usual potluck offering; i apologized. my mom just hugged me and the day went on. i guess the traumas that i'm working through from my past are actually that - the past. that's reassuring. maybe i'll remember it when the next trauma comes along: someday, all this will be past.

a friend of mine shared for a moment earlier today how difficult of a time of year it can be for people. this is a depressing time of year, i think he said. i wanted to disagree, but i think he's right. no one warns us that the biggest events are also the biggest pits of danger (or maybe that's what they were saying when i was ignoring them). graduating? welcome to confusion about self-worth! having a kid? test your relationship AND who your friends are, all at the same time! whoo!

i think we don't expect the frequency with which our needs change, and how much stronger our needs are at these epic type of "positive" events. we think they're easy sailing or big celebrations. but we're always losing something, every time we gain or are gifted. the reverse is also true, cloaked in a terrible truism about god trespassing, then breaking in.

odd how life can be extreme (loss, gain, joy, grief) at the same time it is balanced (loss with gain, joy with grief). i think these simultaneously existing opposing truths are preparing me for physics.

December 22, 2009

eenteresting, she says (cue stroking of beard)

it was a crappy yesterday morning, but the afternoon rallied and this morning felt entirely livable. i was having some issues with how little i trust, due to a childhood of being let down by parents who couldn't move past their own traumas to a place where they could teach me how to be vulnerable, how to be intimate, how to take care of each other.

i have realized something (with the help of my awesome, purple-wearing, myth-quoting therapist) about how i relate to my family, or at least, the family i have left. i am still trying to change things. i mean, things sucked, so it's understandable. but it has to stop. i can't spend the rest of my life trying to make my family healthier, trying to reverse my childhood.

it's amusing, in a way, because i have, a million times, thought i was done with the family shit. yet... it manages to filter back into my life, like the cat who came back, and every time, it unravels yet another future i am striding toward.

this time, i don't try and fix things. things stay broken? not my problem. i finally see why my sister left. she was trying to protect herself.

this time, i am here for myself. what this changes is everything. stop trying to talk to people so that they'll 'learn'. start only saying what i feel i need to say to help myself.

leave the family by the water. they'll drink if they feel like it. and if they never thirst, that changes nothing about me. i thirst. and i give myself water.

December 20, 2009

winter solstice poetry

holy. just holy. not even spiritual or ritualized. well, maybe ritualized, in the way you toast yourself while drinking alone.

round and round, every day, year, lifetime; we wonder, forget, fall and catch ourselves (and each other). the pain hurts like pain has never hurt before. our own minds and bodies confuse each other (and ourselves). the new thing changing our entire lifetime with one breath. and again, but different this time, we swear.

rolling through the moods: embarrassed, grieving, shocked, bored, joyful.

losing, finding, never knowing, only thinking and being 'sure of ourselves'. the fallacy of memory, of pride, of infatuation and obsession. knowing we will 'never forget this'.

again and again. when we think we're done, we laugh at the end. and i don't mean at the end we laugh.

who's to say this isn't the best? not i. it is for i to forget again.

December 18, 2009

flickering firelight

december! already half past, and i'm not even terribly stressed out. excellent.

working on being present with my sorrow. all the old sorrows especially; the ones that have been buried because they weren't good enough to justify grieving, and i was supposed to have a stiff upper lip. as my friend c-light says, "they were buried, but they're still in the house." can't really compost into a beautiful garden that way, can they? so we dig out the old sorrows - ah, who am i kidding, no need to dig: they're right here, fucking up my present.

every day for the last three days, i sit with my sorrows. sometimes that looks like just sitting, other times it is playing music and talking to myself. having baths, soft encouragement; the kinds of things i always want to do, but end up doing the dishes instead. no more!

other than that, eating gluten-free pizza and yummy deer meat, working at the bookstore (quite happily) and noticing. noticing, noticing, noticing. am off to the gnomes' and the parents' for the holydays, and the precious widdle dogs are visiting one of their aunties.

also! have roommate come january! which means i can go out after work like other people! this is exciting. i have been alone in this house for almost two months; i think i am ready to take on a roommate without being all "this person, why are they here, cramping my style?" hopefully i will be able to relax. this is a challenge of mine - even being able to relax in the same house as someone else, without playing off all possible imaginary expectations they might be trying to thrust upon me. however, this person, friend of a friend, nickname pending, seems quite mellow.

anyway, more time to visit my cat and pubs with the bookstore crowd. simple gatherings, with beings that don't expect me to do anything other than talk about books. how lovely. and visit my wife! ah, wifie. i miss you. the phone calls are wonderful, but they ain't the same as being in your buzz. she's got such a great buzz, people.

wrote a short story recently. it was surprisingly lovely. and it helped me get through something, helped me see a bit more about my self. maybe someday i will share it out here.

December 12, 2009

Buffet of Metaphors at Vitamin B's! Free Drinks!

wondering what lifts me, what hit me,
what it means, what's drifting
or floating toward
me, grinning and sinning,
ripe to be born

poetry, poetry; that part of my mindbody that opts in and out of linear timelines, scoffing gently at the 'not allowed' signs of social context.

what an interesting few days! says this mindbody:
breakup, epic gnome visit (oh the laughter. oh the tears. oh the size of the bottle), loss of wallet (hopefully left on a bus and returned to lost&found, but probably lying in a school field, buried in a lot of snow), visit with sincerely pregnant friend (Seeking still has an innie, but it's more like a tight wink) and a saturday morning bookstore shift.

yeah, i tried to slide the breakup in there, like it was 'just another crazy day'. but it wasn't crazy.

thoughts of vulnerability float, unhinged to any relationship, on the river of mindbody. previous breakups have had an aspect of 'broken', but this, this sparks a different light. this just didn't fit me right now. notwithstanding the incredible comfort i feel when he touches me, notwithstanding the volumes of common language we share or the deep chimes in my heart that sing for this man. i feel sad for letting something go that is so beautiful. but if the dress doesn't fit, the quality of it is irrelevant.

how it doesn't fit, i think: i want to travel, emotionally. i want to explore the vistas of personality, the garden of people, the variety of sentience. this tends to result in long absences, emotionally, from 'home'. the Home within me (slowly being inhabited more and more, as i see how easily it travels) is a different matter, but the external emotional home, the people and relationships i keep... it's asking a lot from a partner; that relationship is heavy in time and energy. to be emotionally gone, for weeks at a time... it's not how most people work, and it's not how Special Friend works. and it's not something i see changing about myself anytime soon.

that said, i know i use emotional roadtrips to 'get out of homework free'. it's important that i maintain intimacy and vulnerability in my life, that i'm not just present for the good times, that my relationships are based in both joy and suffering; in the sharing of what is, and what isn't.

so i speak the mantra, and turn the page.

December 7, 2009

travelling where i am

sitting at the dining room table, eating an amazing curry i made myself after discovering okra at the nearby grocery store. i have been shopping for food in my old neighbourhood, figuring that my desire for local, possibly organic, gluten-free food has left me a 'special case' that can only be tended in the snotty stores. but lest we forget! my town started community leagues in canada (says my bus driver, who is awesome). the power of the community translates to large chain grocery stores featuring unique foods, neighbourhood by neighbourhood.

and to think, they all looked the same to me, that is, normal. clearly this is an area i've gone all judgy on, considering this mega-chain has my favourite brand of organic yogourt and organic edamamé. not to mention the okra!!! okra and onion curry - sabzi bindhi piyaz, hello! terriblbly unpracticed version aside, it's incredibly yummy.

other than that, since it's -25 (that's celsius), i have been staying in. the first cold snap is always rife with cancelled plans. up in the north, we know that. board meetings come through; 'lunch' does not. fuck lunch. fuck lunch until it feels appropriate to step out into the cold, with warm wool mittens, and still have numb fingers after ten minutes. since that is not today, lunch is fucked.

besides, i have okra. what else do i need, really? i walked the dogs, they were happy to come home. we are all in agreement. we now listen to neko case, and feel dissatisfied.