exorcised nightmares

okay, here it is:

it's really hard to be a stay-at-home parent for the same reason it's difficult to be a stay-at-home, DIY anything: motivation rests solely on one's own shoulders. in a slump? no one will notice except you (especially if you're good at faking it). no one will beat it out of you, challenge you to better yourself, or come to the rescue.

however, it is really awesome in that YOU choose the course, you choose how things play out. and i have needed that for a long time. i have a strong tendency to blame authority figures for my misery, and i have made the queen out to be my authority figure, when in fact he is just the only other adult in this household. yeah yeah, he's a man, but that doesn't make him The Man. i am my own boss and i always have been, as everyone who knows me will laughingly attest.

so i finally finished a painting (or at least took it off the easel and hung it up). and i am finally figuring out a rhythm - coffee breaks come with a workday, so there is both work and coffee in my day but the order they come in is of my choosing (well, allowing for things like business hours of the post office and family time with the queen - today we danced with the dumpling to this awesome wagonchrist song). it doesn't matter how it looks to other people, it doesn't matter if it's weird, it just matters that i feel the balance works for me and my family (because if it worked for me and not my family, that would be sad - shared space needs to be respectful for all parties), that i find some peace in my day.

okay. there it is. i'm living the dream. thank you.

tickets for the ferris wheel - rode the roller coaster

i did this! with bijoux. it turned out alright. we accidentally added too much almond extract, so it was a bit sweet. also, i think it needs more booze, though the queen says it works for him, so now i feel like a big lush. but i'm still going to add more booze to the next batch. and there will be a next batch, because homemade irish cream is surprisingly easy to make, and if you buy ingredients by the case, cheaper! solstice/christmas gifts - check.

we went to an equinox gathering put on by a crowd i "used to hang out with". except there were actually a high number of reasonably close friends there! i was pleased. everyone cooed over the dumpling, i was only annoyed several times by shit from this dictionary of mockery. if you've spent years going to ritualized festivals put on by people trying to reinvent community because they've been raised without it, and grown annoyed by all of the broken habits and manipulative bullshit that get(s) carried over unconsciously, you will laugh at that link. if you don't subscribe to "that hippie stuff" you might giggle occasionally but it won't be the same, sorry. and although i was annoyed, that's because i'm jaded. i was also pleased/impressed/amazed at the beautiful land and the efforts of those who worked to make it a great gathering. i'm very glad i went. i'm still jaded though. maybe more on that in another entry but probably not.

i finally got to the apples! i keep putting off gathering them, and then they rot on the ground and i put them in the compost. but i had gathered them all yesterday so today i harvested the droppings and actually picked some off the trees! first i blanched them, then i made some apple juice using this baby. it took a lot of work and made a small amount of delicious, cider-y juice. so i said "fuck this! carrying around a small brick and doing this in my spare time will give me bigger pipes than the queen!" i then cooked up a batch of apples, and the same throwback tin device made, relatively easily, a good batch of apple purée. so that's what we get. i also sliced up a bunch of blanched pommes and have them in the fridge, browning away, waiting for me to be motivated enough to make some kind of crisp/crumble/thing-in-a-pan.

why i am not motivated today: i've had days where i'm like "dumpling! that's a lot of poop!" and days where the poop gets places it shouldn't. but today i had my first poop nightmare. i left her on the diaper pad having some bare bum time while i took care of my own business. i thought i was safe because she had already done the deed today. but apparently she decided it was time to empty the reserves. and then kick in it. and then kick everywhere else. so that was an entire load of laundry. then, later, there was more. and this (the third batch) got off the diaper pad and onto several blankets i had set up behind her because her bare bum time can now be accomplished in a seated position (the blankets are for the rare occasion she topples straight backward). i just deleted a couple of sentences that gave way too much information about baby poop. anyway. off to drink wine now that the dumpling has been laid down and the queen is bottling his beer and a late supper is cooking.

let's do this

have you seen this? anonymous seems kind of exciting. it's motivating when other nations are stepping up, since canada isn't the 'going first' type. the video is a bit eerie, but then, so is the government.

i think a tricky thing is to find your way in a world that may fall apart, or may not. what actions would be worthy either way?

gardening, yes. google plus, maybe ;)

both of us can turn

ah, winter. the bottle of something-or-other that i've been looking at out the window to gauge the amount of snow was completely buried this morning.

that's a decent analogy for my emotional state right now. i keep doing these breech exercises and the little dolphin keeps turning, but only from side to side; turning, not flipping. meanwhile, i feel all stretched and awkward. between the weather (which complaining about will net me a barrage of more northern alberta comments; they're colder than us) and the hopefully-not-pointless, every-few-hours exercises, i do not feel like visiting anyone, getting any groceries, or doing any dishes. i am not sure what exactly i feel like. getting drunk maybe, or rolling around in green grass. things that are not an option, though this webcomic reminds me (sort of) that someday i will be able to do these things.

in the meantime, do the things i can, i guess. bake muffins, go to the pool. maybe things i can walk to, because the roads must be terrible today. ah, terrible roads. at least we aren't moving in weather like this. texas across the street is moving (we've named the house texas because of its red white & blue theme, complete with stars. lone stars.) and i feel compassion for them. snowing makes everything except baking and cuddling more difficult. pregnancy makes cuddling more difficult. i finally started to dream that i was pregnant (my belly was getting in the way and i was talking about my midwife to someone). maybe that's some kind of good emotional sign for flipping the dolphin.

i have begun to cozy up the room i want to birth in. hanging woolen blankets and moving birthing supplies and our seven(?!) newborn baby hats into it. making it mine, making it smaller and more inviting. acting as if.

is it bad to drink two cups of coffee today? not every day, apparently, but since i won't be running for a bus today (walking to the pool will have to do) then i am going to just use the same grounds in the espresso machine to brew a second cup. i don't drink it every day. and i don't want the energy, i want the smell. fuck decaf, btw. it does not smell the same. on the bus trip i was getting half-caf lattés and they tasted half as yummy.

okay. so we've deduced that since we can't do what we want to do, we will do what we can. i think this is strength - the kind of strength that makes lions lay down. closely related to fortitude, this is my favourite comment on the post i made on schmacebook regarding the breechy mcbreecherson: "what a kick in the ass! I really hope baby turns for you and you can have the experience you are wanting. Whatever happens though, make sure you own your delivery, even a c section; it is your journey, unlike anyone else's. Sending you baby turning vibes."

right on. my journey. hey, all the exercises are good for me anyway.

try to turn the flailing into a backstroke

man, am i flailing. i was just congratulating myself yesterday on having it all together, so of course today i'm a mess.

last day at work after little sleep. i hadn't really emotionally prepared myself to be unemployed. i feel at loose ends, without foundation or walls, floating, but not in a free way; more like an aimless way. it's not the fanciest job, but i had found a niche at the bookstore: i was comfortable there. they listened to my ideas, let me try things, it was lovely. and now i am unemployed. what the hell. i guess i let go.

haven't seen the queen all week, and it feels harder. i am sure the lack of sleep contributes, not to mention the whole fetus thing we've got going on (where'd the other duck go, damnit, i've been warming these eggs for days and i really want a swim), but i just feel all weepy and wanting to cleave (etymology 2) to him. cleaving desires: still hard to get used to. it's tempting to label this cleaving thing as good or bad, but i am going to try and just notice it.

i am dropping off my last report for the non-profit i quit tomorrow, and signing something that will get me off signing authority with the last bank. i realized today how bitter i became at the end of this year. there is just nothing like something you didn't want to do in the first place getting progressively more difficult and frustrating. i really lost it - my exit interview is bristling with rage. it totally sucks that i couldn't see that when i was completing it. i feel like i let myself down this year - i should have said no. i should not have rejoined.

even though almost the entire board left (not for any dramatic reasons, it just happened that way), it was a terrible thing for me to stay on. i think it distinctly possible that they would have found someone who would have done a better job than i did, even without two years experience on the board. it sucks to recognize how badly i have done at something. we don't have "final exams" as adults and it's easy to convince yourself you're doing reasonably well at everything. i didn't lack in skills, i lacked in interest. and there was no one to motivate me, because i was supposed to be the motivator.

in theory, it was going to be an easy year. in reality, it was full of change. i mean FULL. i won't get into it here, but it was almost comical how many things, core things, changed abruptly within this past year. i signed on for an easy year, which was thoughtless of me: i did not weigh out what it meant to lead the board of this organization. and i was resentful when things started going sideways, when i had to take the reins. i may not have made any huge errors (we got our paperwork in, we survived the casino, the fundraiser raised some money, we moved offices, we did annual reviews, completed all of our shows, we didn't break any laws and we've got money in the bank) but i did a lousy job. because now that it's over, i realized i avoided it the whole time.

sigh. hindsight. so fucking helpful.

howls and meowls

feeling restless. that hurry up and wait kind of restless. it's a full moon, but i swear all that weirdness already happened. tonight is tame by comparison. yet i am not mellow enough to come home and read. even though i am excited about the books barfing off my shelves.

do you ever have one of those periods in your life that are refreshing while reminding you of the past? refreshing because they offer you back some of the simplicity that change used to bring. these days it's all too easy to make change difficult, to count all the reasons against it, to look at the patterns and say they are stronger because i have failed this many times before. but for some reason, maybe just a new perspective on motivation, i feel change to be easier now than it has been in a while. clarity? or more illusion? who knows.

i feel like breaking my habits, just to see how that shakes down. not to be a different kind of person, just to see what i'm like when i get up and leave the house before drinking coffee, when i feel a desire but don't follow it, when i do the thing i am thinking of putting off.

nothing big, but not nothing. something full of nothing? another balloon popped, floating away.

sitting here, middle of the night.
beautiful night with fresh snow on the trees,
hanging on surfaces, soft and clumpy.

let the spirit move you.

let the spontaneous response, informed freedom, reign.

meaning, past and present

when i was younger, i was drunk with meaning. purpose was epic, epiphanic, and it extended out of my heart and into everything i did. i closed my eyes and saw rainbows of colour. i opened them and saw beauty. even the sadness of loss was beautiful.

i grew older. i saw how commonplace and preventable a lot of tragedy seems. i saw how the ignorance grows back, even after the most amazing of events. i saw how humans backslide, how we would rather be comfortable than give up what we have so that others may have. i saw how easily we disconnect our savings at giganta-mart with the persecution of entire nation communities. i saw how greed and fear whisper in our ear and how we listen. how we get tired. i got tired.

THEY AGE, AND WRINKLE
even though i kept on practicing kindness, i learned to defend myself against people wrecking judgment on themselves, using me as a scapegoat. even though i shopped local and fairtrade, i forgot to feel the difference i was making. even though i recycle, i donate, i still feel like part of the problem. and i lost sight of the epic solution my young brain had proposed, found fault; how difficult it was to get off the grid completely, how easy it was to think i knew what i was doing, how many people had tried and failed before me. i realise i give up too easily, i don't want to keep fighting what's all around me - i cut a deal with myself to settle.

part of this settling was a greyer realisation that even the solutions are part of the problem. we solve the wrong problems - we teach nike how to give money back, we teach our children to be kind because they want something, we justify society's change as a result of how angry we are, how we 'aren't going to take it anymore'. and what else can we do, when we're still half-broken ourselves? when development agencies just pave the way for industrialization? how is this ever good for anyone other than those in power anyway? even when the actions are good, the results are the same. as michael franti says, "they handin' us the bible while they walkin' off with all the gold."

and i came to the conclusion that it was far better to doubt one's own beliefs than to try vehemently to solve or save anything. terrible things happen at the hands of people who've had epiphanies. the word means that a god has appeared to you. it's a dangerous word.

CUE ATHEISM
so i became a fan of science. because at least science doesn't tell you it's okay to kill someone else (and don't tell me that science is bad because it teaches you how - EVERYTHING teaches us how to kill). at least science can agree that light can be both wave and particle, that both sides can be right. at least science doesn't try and convince your ego that you're special.

except that again, this decision of mine, aside from inviting my life into a permanent grey area, didn't change my nature. it may harm more slowly, but it still harms, because second-guessing oneself is what the silent, complicit minds do, to pass the time. never picking a side, so i'm never wrong. i never make a mistake. oh wait, mistakes are made through inaction as well as action. fuck.

so. to summarize: living with fervent meaning is dangerous. living without meaning is dangerous.

THE INEVITABLE BOOK REFERENCE
reading kim stanley robinson's eco-sci-fi-thriller, forty signs of rain, allowed me the realization that i am suffering from an excess of reason. people who know me might giggle at this, because they know i use my intuition on a fairly regular basis, even when i have a host of data to support my decision.

i think many of us are suffering from the yearning to explain things and the reluctance to accept that we might never know, but that we need to keep on keeping on. how many suicides are brought on not because the person logically deduces they should die, but because they can't find another way that hurts less? we must continue to make decisions on inadequate knowledge, but bear 100% of the consequences.

sorry for all the italics, but it is, to me, a subject deserving of drama. we want to be all-knowing because our egos like the idea, but we also really want to know so that we can stop with all the pain. because we walk into the pain all the time. we flounder like a drowning person, making it worse. some of it may be inevitable, but this much?

and the brief epiphanies are not enough. brief flashes of lightning on the recurring, inevitable, generations-long dark and stormy night. but they're all we seem to get.

this was actually designed to be a really light and wonderful entry, but i needed to slog through ten years of pain i've held in my everyday actions first.

the years of doubt, of trying someone else's plans, the excitement of "this time, we'll make a difference!" and me thinking "and that's the point? okay, i'm in!" they sound so sure of themselves. and except when i am angrily denouncing a sexist bastard, i do not feel sure of myself (later, when i realize he was sexually abused as a child or some other equally horrendous thing, i wonder if there might have been a better way than just taking my turn at wielding the paddle).

SO HERE IS THE CHEESY
and i am ready to not defend myself.

it feels the best when i can just sit in the light and be love. but always, i am pulled out into the dark world of action. and shamed when this is not where i want to be. because i should be grateful for my legs and use them for my country, for my religion, for the kind of change i want to see in the world. blah blah fucking blah.

i am meant to sit. and to love. sorry if that's not in your plans. suck it up. it's in my plans now.

tragic-land and back again

tings is lively. i appreciate this, as i live with more attention in lively times. of course, despite the liveliness and actual activities, you will hear about the books i've been reading.

finally finished the gaia book i first mentioned here. reading a zillion other books and about to start three more. in moods like this one, the most interesting point is what i am not reading. these include the yoga book (which i finished but keep around to look up asanas and sequences. haven't touched it in weeks) and david suzuki goes to japan, which seems too lovely for me right now. i need lengthy blah blah blahs, not concise and hopeful accounts of adventures somewhere fascinating i too, could visit, if i only got up off my ass.

was journaling last night about an odd lack of purpose and meaning in my life right now. since i was fourteen, my purpose existed, whatever it was and however it changed. self-improvement, empowerment, the practice of liberation, the cosmic wave of being, learning my environment, resolving past traumas... what now? all of these seem to be mixing together. none of them could ever be a finished project. the idea of purpose quickly becomes illusive, a creation of my own mind. yet i move on.

i wonder how my motivation works. i think i could benefit more from nurturing my emotional state toward one of achievement. the whiny 'that's dumb' voice is educating itself. its manipulation to convince me of the uselessness in nurturing myself can be hindered. most easily by simply picking up and doing the opposite: encouraging myself.

it's like there is a battle between superheroes going on, inside my brain, all the time. like my four-year-old friend, the names of the heroes change all the time but the storyline is ancient. what would happen if good and bad were to finally agree? the big bang would turn out to have been a mild mis-communication between archetypes. the world as we know it would end (and, douglas adams posits, be replaced by something even more inexplicable and bizarre).

another buddha in the un-making

regardless of how much or how little i am accomplishing, there is always the list, just off in the distance. the list is unfinished, filled with tasks i haven't yet seen to, and capable most days of making me feel resistance, depression, and low self-esteem. the list defeats all sense of personal achievement, saying to me "you can't relax yet, you haven't --- ".

Special Friend mentioned reading about the dichotomy between thinking of oneself as a generally accomplished/good enough person, and the activities i set myself to either keeps me up or reduces my worth (ie, i'm a good person but i did a bad thing, oops) OR, opposingly, seeing oneself as not good enough, and the activities i do might help make me 'better' (sounds suspiciously like some forms of religion, just sayin').

i know, for a truth, that i spend a lot of my time trying to erase my nameless guilt (apparently, humans feel guilt when something bad happens to us, even if it's an accident or a natural disaster. damn, those religions have easy feeding). i feel tired, anxious, like i need to keep up with my sins. then i rebel, which looks like doing nothing. then i feel useless, which makes sense given my foundational argument of activity increases worth. repeat cycle endlessly or until severe breakdown occurs.

even my attempt to 'solve' this problem is not outside the parameters of the problems itself: i ask myself "what can i do?" doing. is that the only answer i can come up with?

damn meditators probably have it right. of course, times i would benefit from stillness the most are the times i can least achieve it. still, even ten minutes of focused nothing-doing (the difference between my rebellion and this is definitely the focus) probably helps provide the beginning of an alternate route to the ruts of yesterday.

the step back part

i've been writing, but in other places. cataloging my desires, aversions; realizing my motivations for the sophisticated actions i undertake are the same base desires i've always had - security, acceptance, feeling heard.

friend nearly died in a car accident. one of those incredibly important friends who lives far away so i don't get to love her as much as i want to. that was a wake-up call. as usual, even though her life is in chaos, she manages to shed light on mine. in a way i really respond to, because she just quotes me back to myself. can't really argue with that, can i?

finding myself in one of those looking-back-and-hating-it-all times. why i measure my own evolution by progress away from my past is beyond me. i see why it would be natural to do so (different is better, right?) but i would hope that my sense of personal evolution would be a bit more, well, evolved. sigh. to respond to one's environment, to cooperate within it for a more harmonious existence, following the ancient paths of using what each of us does best for the well-being of all, since the well-being of all is crucial to the survival of any of us... how does this translate into yelling at oneself for not doing the things i decided to do? this all sounded so much wiser in a letter to a pregnant friend. i think because i was more willing to accept the mystery of being human and having a brain and a past to mull over. now i'm back to wishing it was a puzzle i could solve and then walk away from.

feeling ruffled, out of place, angsty. argh, i thought angst was done when we hit our thirties. nothing is ever done. replay the past in our heads, knowing even less of it than when it happened.

so, do the things i know are helpful to my own self; a bit of yoga, some cleaning and clearing out in the house, participating in the backyard fire, cuddles with a friend. stop apologizing for being myself, especially when it's unplanned and messy. if i'm going to go overboard, do it with style and energy. and a fucking lifejacket.

goes fishing, brings back a change of underwear

i just used the i ching for the first time in a while. the thoughts that came to me throughout the thirty minute process were quite helpful. the reading itself was less clear. i was wondering how best to proceed in the coming months, feeling like i am at a crossroads of sorts and need to get into gear. my intuition gave me a bulleted list (okay, my intuition gave me whatever, and my mind summed it up in a neatly bulleted list).

• prophetic help from the universe
• reasonable expectations
• taking care of oneself
• relaxation
• practicing fears and responses
• keeping a clear mind
• focusing

the reading implied that the foundation i have built for myself is less sturdy than i imagine it to be, and that i should get some advice from an elder about how best to make amends for my sloppy carpentry. it then goes on to cheerfully (if the i ching can be said to be cheerful, which isn't in the top 100 adjectives most often used to describe it) state that the harmony between my superior and inferior selves can be reinstated through giving the situation all the effort and imagination i can, as long as that effort and imagination is based in virtue and goodness. also; think small and court balance.

great. we'll be putting away the party tools right about now. steel-toed resolve, anyone?
i have a fear of becoming a boring person. let's test that fear! let's be all granola and even keel, and see if we succeed in freezing our brains off with boredom! or, even worse, failing to be boring and just being lame!

yeah. um ... bring it on. gee, i've been craving this. (actually, i probably have.)

potential is always there, never here.

listening to the curious wanderings of dj shadow, kept up by coffee (so worth it). entranced in playlists, moving through itunes like it's a series of funneled webs, no wait - treehouse platforms. and i'm hopping, swinging from artist-vines, dropping gems for friends, moods and themes. riding the genre train, skipping over to new tracks, back to old favourites, mixing, matching.

it's a simpler world to live in than my own. putting aside large projects, i'm left with even larger ones. i feel myself trying to dig my head into the sand (re-reading the dune series is a great distraction. i like how i rationalize my distractions as educational. well yes, but they still aren't the activities you internally committed yourself to, are they?) and nothing changes except it gets later. and my shoulders get tighter.

action can be difficult. i guess facing the fear is the thing to do. the fear is ... (drum roll please) wrecking the canvas? i still fear there is a wrong way to live my life. i don't understand this fear, because i also go out of my way to live life by my own rules and values. so what is there left to fear? somewhere in me, have i not faced the particular face of authority that seriously terrifies me? hmmm.

the world is teasing me with loveliness. i'm not sure if the loveliness is distracting me or enticing me further onto the path i have chosen and now resist. this is where my ambivalence is sourced, i think. i can feel the pull, but i'm not sure how to negotiate it. sometimes these pulls suck a person right out into the middle of the ocean. other times, they draw one forth on a river adventure. should i be swimming, i wonder? did i leave the camp stove on? i tread water nervously.

turning the corner

i've been sleeping unashamedly. last night the roommates were all out having a fire and i was crashed out in my sweet bed, dreaming of office supplies and men.

i'm letting go of my job, and jobs in general. after a long time out of school and making fun of educational "institutions" (read: businesses), i feel drawn enough to a path that i will be investing thousands into their piece of paper that says i am legitimately organic. oh, the investments we make. because i flaunted my not-for-school attitude for so long, i now have to start at the bottom of the tree. trunks are fun, oh yes. just get me up the damn thing so i can play in the branches. hunker down time.

my roommate and i are also talking of moving our prairie butts back to the mountains, where we had met. but a smaller town this time. she's tired of the snow, and i'm tired of the grey monolith of an environment. since i'm taking distance learning for the first few years, i'm open, but i am already wondering where to take my masters. it's lovely that after a roadtrip, when i'm wondering if i really want to stay here, my 'wife' is also querying the wisdom of this city for our home and family. it's gratifying to feel once again our synergy on such matters.

have checked in with my own sense of naiveté again. it's the thing about me that i have little influence over. the unending trust i supply to strangers who smile at me is kind of incredible, and if it wasn't coupled with a sense of intuition, i'm not sure how long i'd survive in this life. being on the road, meeting people out of my own context of friends and achievements has been interesting. my enthusiasm gets mistaken for something else. my tenderness can be held against me. i was let down that some folks weren't more willing to participate in co-creation. i certainly came back with more appreciation for my friend group. at first, i was disappointed that i didn't peg people's personalities right off the bat, but now i have moved to a place of just learning from it. i'm not psychic, after all. that's a different skill base. the disappointment was not my fault. take that, mean little self-blaming ego.

habits are strong, but my desire to grow is stronger yet. as i edge into the unknown, i am reminded of how tiny i am. tiny spark in the waves, nourish thy self.

rock the boat, get wet

a friend of mine posted this link to a beautiful music video of imogen heap. it inspired me. other aspects of recent life that have inspired me include walks across bridges, noticing that the big-ass puddles are becoming the exception to the rule, obtaining a venue for a show i was starting to sweat about, and making an appointment to go see a naturopath.

i like how spring brings me to a place where i will try new things. i am so tired of hiding away from winter. i want to expand again. i think i want to go back to school. it's interesting, because it wasn't until i realised that if i were to look back on my life and not have developed my counselling skills it would feel like i was avoiding them, that i really wanted to go back. somehow that thought convinced me it wasn't a waste of time.

still on the mellow detox lifetsyle; finally did some yoga today after falling into an avoidance pattern for over a week. enjoying the lemon water every morning. my body feels heavy, but a softer heavy than before. drained, but not at war. still, noticing the influence the shame has on me. the only reason i can think of that convinces me to avoid something as sweet and freeing as yoga is the feeling that i don't deserve to feel this happy, this healthy. that i'm going to get in trouble for wasting my time. i feel as though i'm looking for the tool to crack that lie. and in the mean time, doing as many things as i feel i can that are healthy and kind to myself.

fuzzy slippers, early morning

the i ching has been fair with me. for years i used three coins to tell tales to myself. i think they came from a coin shop via an old friend and teacher. they hung together dustily, magnetically operating as some kind of unit; it was great. but i was attracted to tarot cards, enjoying the imagery that was, initially, easier to understand. so i gave away the book of changes that was in my possession and picked up a standard rider-waite deck.

but the tarot cards, even when i did readings, felt like someone talking who was far away, through the wind: hard to hear. the i ching, when it was gifted to me again, felt less and less like a translation of an ancient text, and more and more like what no one else would tell me, that i desperately thirsted to hear: the simple truth. not my interpretation. (although one time, when the suggestion was to 'seek help regarding the argument', it took a few days for me to realise the argument in question was internal. it had less to do with the situation i was asking about and more about how i couldn't even word the question properly without scribbling it out several times.)

then i read about the yarrow method again and suddenly it made sense to go the extra mile. it used to seem extensive: fifty yarrow sticks?! shuffling around, manipulating sticks between fingers, laying them out in obtuse piles, then doing it all again and again and again and again and again. the process takes maybe twenty minutes or so, instead of the ninety seconds of tossing coins. i love it. the ritual serves as more than a quick reassurance - it becomes fulfilling in and of itself, regardless of any message.

this is how much of life seems to be flowing these days. the slow, ponderous weight of recurring events are starting to feel like love. problems aren't solved by solutions, they're clues to brewing changes in lifestyle. slow and steady doesn't so much win the race as say 'fuck the race'. not vehemently or anything - casually. with a definite "oh, that fire? that's not fire, it's just orange," attitude, a blasé sense of wonder about everything other than the frantic pace of racers.

this morning i woke up at four-thirty and hung out with the i ching. i was reminded that the outer adornments are simply that: houses, jobs, romances. endless attention could go to the "measurables": am i doing what i'm supposed to be doing? if i move cities, will i find my path? will this person love me for who i am?

uh huh, uh huh. sure, do it, quoth the i ching. but remember it is external.

band on the run

it's raining. in january. what are we, the west coast?

i like it. it's on the rolling filofax of grateful-fors. along with lotion, making templates, chocolate, cheese on popcorn (smoky cheese curds sprinkled on popcorn, ohhhh my) and that feeling of accomplishment that comes with cleaning all the old stuff out of my shelf in the fridge.

so much more. i'm grateful for scotch whiskey, my family trees, cats, nia, mystery novels, drummers, long lunches, cardigan sweaters, caribou (the band), great online comics, making links, writing letters and putting teabags, stickers and other delights in with the letters before i mail them, cute little stools, embracing abundance, well-written non-fiction and reggae music.

and wow, the beat-boxing flute player! i sure am grateful to that guy for sharing his talents, passions, discipline.

i have been considering my role models lately. all the people i unconsciously took after; teachers, fictional heroines, my parents, my sister. authors, artists, bosses. friends. it's important, i think, to revisit one's old role models to both thank them for helping us through and to let them retire. because as i grow, i know i need to learn different lessons and value systems from different teachers in my life.

anne of green gables doesn't always have the answer. neither does the energy-worker i had a big crush on for years (and learned a lot from. in fact, one might wonder if the crush was an example of unconsciously fulfilling the desire to learn). there's a point where zen masters don't know. but if i tune into what i want to learn and learn it from the people who can best teach me, i'll probably stay engaged enough to keep answering questions. and love what i do.

young grasshopper or elder-in-training?

having spent the last nine years, since my dad died, avoiding the deeper meaning in my life; i've been all a-search, but in reality, using the search mechanism to avoid myself. i have a sensitivity, and i need to manage it. like some folks have a great sense of smell, i have a great sense of emotion. i can honestly feel what other people are feeling, much of the time.

i generally just use this sense to feel out my environment for my own benefit, and to help my friends and occasionally other people understand the world and themselves. however, i've avoided any occasion to learn how to manage those abilities or train myself further, preferring to daydream and use my other skills to survive. it's generally safer not to let on that i'm a bit of an emotional barometer. people balk, joke, sneer, fear.

however, the intensity just kept on ramping up. first i gave up the festivals, parties are rare, anywhere there are groups of people is tough. and i live in a city. i'm tired of my opinion being swayed inevitably when i'm around someone who feels really strong about something (eventually, it's just easier to agree, even if i don't actually want what they want). i'm tired of feeling like it's the biggest deal just to walk through the farmer's market, due to the inevitable deflecting of the swirls of thoughts and emotions of others. it's like there are that many people talking in my head. it sucks. though it was worse when i thought those thoughts were all mine and i was schizophrenic.

and even though i've learned to identify others' emotions as separate from my own, i still need to be able to turn it off. so that i can go outside. so that i can travel. so that i can have sex with someone and not freak right out over the intensity of their emotions. so that i can choose proactively what i want in my life, not defensively.

so that's what i'm practicing. because it has the ability to fuck with every part of my life. and because it's part of why i'm here.

investigating the shame

what's the deal with random shame? it seems like a point of interest i return to. there are these moments of our lives that we have unconsciously agreed are shameful. shitting, for example, and clogging up the toilet. masturbation. pretty much anything that reflects our bodies having needs beyond the control of our minds (which seem to be part of our bodies, hello... or ARE they? the argument over the self continues). so... bodily needs are shameful because bodies are shameful? or is it the need that's shameful? i'm curious to follow the thought back through its evolution so i can see where the faulty premise lies.

maybe shame's natural purpose is to provide the mechanism of feedback on our behaviour. as humans, we experiment with all sorts of ways of being. we're social animals, so we experiment with and on each other. when one of us harms another, we need to be able to give feedback to help the behaviour evolve into a generally positive one. shame could help us stop, briefly, and motivate us to move beyond it into grief, change and betterment. maybe we're designed to stop there only briefly. but when shame gets mis-assigned to a regular part of being alive (having a body with needs), we end up visiting and re-visiting the feeling. far too often. it is no longer helpful.

so why is having needs shameful? for me, i think, it might be that they require energy to deal with. for a perfectionist, needs might be an equivalent to deficiencies or gaps. in reality, feeling need is part of how i know it's the correct time for a certain behaviour. hungry? eat. not hungry? don't eat. how do i know unless my body tells me? i can take the time to honour the need.

she's okay.

green grass and long days are not outside, but they are more coming than leaving now. some day in the next six weeks, it will still be light out when i get home from work.

people have all gone home again. the lovers are in love. the cat has a cold. and me? i venture forth from the upstairs occasionally. i groom myself. i show up at work. i pay my rent. this is winter, and this is enough. and while this time of year; dark, cold, broke, can often depress me, i am calling on softness within to remember that inside my head is an okay place to be.

a friend of mine has this krishnamurti quote up on his wall: "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." right. thanks. sometimes i forget that the distress i feel isn't necessarily mine. ahh, empathy. found this great blog about empaths. it's nice when i don't roll my eyes within the first paragraph. no, i don't need to "take the quiz" nor do i need to "come to terms" or "awaken my sleeping empath", thanks. i remember when a friend passed on the attributes of an empath to me. "oh," i said. i've never been so well described by someone who has not met me as in that list of seven or so characteristics. was speaking with yet another friend (i really don't get out much, honest) about how to set up semi-permeable membranes for my emotional state. because i don't want to set up a barrier. i don't want to be blind. i actually LIKE feeling a room full of people's emotions. i just want to continue feeling like me during that process. i guess it's a matter of grounding and strengthening my own sense of self, then. get back on the be-train.