circles

i've been collecting broken pottery and dishes, and i've discovered some lovely mosaics. i started browsing online to see what i could cover with the shards. i ended up convinced i need safety glasses and "tile nips", and dreaming about all kinds of decorated surfaces... steps toward the hot springs, etc.

i think i actually will make a stepping stone. find the cement shape, maybe at a thrift store; get the grouting powder and previously stated necessities; research it again because by then i'll have forgotten; make art.

my niece came over today, the one i will be taking care of come november. the girls chilled together, right up til the other mom came back. in the moment that i stepped to the doorway to greet her, there were tears. i came back and they both looked upset. i think the dumpling wanted her ball back, but didn't get it. my niece is a bit of a meatball :) she can hold her own on the playground for sure.

i find myself avoiding thinking of how the dumpling will socialize. that milieu was so terrifying for me, from childhood as early as i can remember right through to high school, whereupon i finally mastered that bullshit, and could eventually move on. i typo'd "move ion"; i think i like it better.

i've picked up reading a bit more. i read a book about the amish. i don't know why; i just wanted to. it was one of those storyish non-fictions that are easier to read for me, and i breezed through it in a few days, which felt awesome and oldskool. the queen has been reading too, so we pass time after the dumping has been laid to slumber reading together.

tonight i didn't feel like reading, so i came down and prepped some sewing, did some edging on a pair of sleeves. then i researched grouting mosaic tiles, and you see what i've done there? here we are. 

insert sulk here

ugh. avoiding even blogging.

mostly i feel really boring, like i'm repeating my problems over and over again. in the reality tv show of my life, the writers are clearly grasping for new ideas. hopefully we'll find something other than trauma to get excited about over here. yay daylight.

cat? sleeping. dumpling? now points at cat and says "iddy!" or "diddy!" which yes, is very cute.

queen? braving the minus billion degrees out there to go to his terribly exciting office job.

we had a gathering this past weekend; it was normal. chaos and his lovely sister came by, and some friends from the city who are on their baby moon (due in march, dropped their toddler off so they could enjoy some baby-free time). surprisingly, nothing was broken. the storm was moving in that night, and the highlight of the night was our friend driving up from calgary and arriving at 2.30am. not that i was awake then.

found a new cartoon! super funny, even if you aren't a parent. it helped me avoid yesterday, until the evening. the evening kind of sucked. but at least my bad mood helped me in a way. you know when you're so miserable you seek out lousy activities so as to better feel sorry for yourself? so my hand wash got done and i finally took out the garbage. woo.

then i retreated into the ray bradbury collection i've been flirting with for some time now. i'm actually getting through it. though last night i was annoyed at how many exclamation marks and italics his characters use. they are clearly far more passionate than i am right now and it's annoying. sorry ray.

i recently, in a fit of good mood, joined the local library and took out the new pd james book. have i blogged about this already? maybe an unfinished post... anyway, it was disappointing at first because it's a sequel to pride and prejudice, which i dislike. but it still had her eloquent writing skills and intricate plot, so it eventually redeemed itself.

winter sucks. go away. also, wtf american government? screw you.

i guess this is it, 2011. maybe.

maybe more mental powers! maybe not.

i found typos in my previous entry. so sad. maybe now that i am succumbing to a seasonal cold, i will be smarter. yeah.

the wife's mom said something i am currently trying to remember because it connects to something i wanted to say... oh well. i shared in this great in-between moment at the wife's on boxing day where us bees napped and the wife's mom took batdog out to the shopping place and the wife made soup while listening to bob marley. it was so quiet. the wife and i later agreed it was an awesome point in all the excess. we had a post-craziness discuss today where we acknowledged our relationship and its benefits.

the dumpling and i (we are considering renaming her 'the pork chop') went on a walk today with her new sleigh. it's the cutest little baby sleigh. well, she might make it cuter. we were able to make two trips to the recycling and mail a letter to our friend field-in-bloom. these are my days and i am glad to get back to them. i even like my stack of dishes. how weird is that?

things that have been accomplished over the holidays:

- i learned how to play craps (and lost five dollars of mrs awesome's)

- i visited my own family, a brother of the queen's, the wife (and her family), an old friend from high school, an old friend from university, a sweet friend with three cats and a beautiful cottage, and field-in-bloom.

- the queen and i hosted the awesomes and chaos, and nothing was even broken. now that's a gift. we also hosted pixie from new orleans, and her chauffeur ms sparkle.

- i collected letters from friends for my friend in jail. i haven't yet mailed these though, so it's only sort of an accomplishment.

- stretched boundaries of dumpling. she came through with shining stars and new abilities and some extra fan base coverage (always good strategy).

i'm tired of listing things. i vacuumed today. the cat is alive. i feel peace in these apparent facts. wit shall come later.

i read an actual book! i thought it was a tawdry mystery from the sixties, but it was actually a rad dystopic novel translated from the swedish. i shan't remember the title (shame) but it's written by per wahloo, maybe with umlauts. okay, definitely almost certainly with umlauts. it joins my collection of dystopic paperbacks. yay. (i will go rescue it from the mystery section. of course i have sections on my bookshelf. i worked at a good bookstore.)

i needed to move the dust buster (charging) to find the dystopic section. oh my.

also, i seem to have lost "the handmaids' tale". it's not a very big section; that's quite the dent.

perhaps i shall retire at this point.

half a glass weeps its heart out

i was chatting with another parent today and we were discussing Things We Should Be Paranoid About. i'm surprised i am not more paranoid about more things. before parenting, i was very paranoid: cancerous foods, cancerous plastics, cancerous stores. now, i'm paranoid about my child eating known allergens too early, and our cleaning products. seriously, the dumpling chews on toys that will probably be banned in fifteen years and i'm only mildly traumatized. why is this? because i exist on way less sleep. i shove aside paranoia in favour of exhaustion quite regularly.

this is also my justification for reading less, reading more crap, watching more tv and eating more (gluten-free) toast (okay, i always ate too much toast). also, not watching foreign language movies; too tired or distracted to read the subtitles. it's good that i find some meaning in parenting, because i sure as hell get less meaning elsewhere.

case in point: i came across this blog entry, and in my previous life, i would have been fascinated by the linguistics of it all. and i still find that interesting. but mostly i was caught by a mention of an author of a cool mystery novel i read, and disappointed that what with his interest in physics and politics, he just didn't get much mystery-writing done. sad. see how far i have fallen?

the wife says a lot of free time and brain power returns with the fifth birthday. i just want my ability to construct reasonable sentences back. see what i'm saying? not sure. right-o.

i miss free time, and the freed-up mental space that came with it. i miss perspective. i miss having taken the time to rub out my own sore spots so that i am free to help others. now i'm just proud of shovelling the driveway. but it's only our driveway. i have friends that are Occupying, and i don't even know why. i have a friend who is going to jail for activism and government interference, and i'm worried i won't write her enough letters because i will forget she is in jail.

i have never felt so selfish, and yet, my life has never felt so challenging. what the aitch.

things that rock hard

- this. and delightful new webcomic discoveries in general.

- the peanut outgrew another set of clothes, and into a size where we have a lot of t-shirts. i guess she'll rock the t-shirt & hoodie with me for a while. also, i think she may have outgrown the peanut size. what next? dumpling? we call her the burgolator sometimes (because she burgolates, clearly).

- this. rocks. i've been looking for size-positive images and ideas to feast my eyes and mind upon and shake up my shiny-body-image magazine upbringing. plus who doesn't just want another intelligent blog to read?

- like this one, at its deepest and most meaningful. that is one of my favourite entries.

- it's autumn! decay! colour! dead bugs! cute sweaters! a fresh sense or organization! starting to think about holidays and lots of eating and gift-giving and stress-building!

- babies. okay, okay, i finally caved to the cuteness of babies. one of my friendquaintances gave birth the other day. cute baby! a good friend of mine is due about now with her second, and it's fascinating to hear about. she's great at describing a situation and getting to its essence. i think we also have really good communication, born from years of practice and a keen sense of how each other are feeling. and of course there are at least five other people i know who are pregnant. epidemic! careful, unfixed heteros!

- the queen is making beer and wine. i am helping, but it's definitely his thing. mostly, as i'm sure you figured out right away, i'm helping enough to justify my future quenching of thirst sans guilt. and of course because i love him and want to support his creativity. beer is way simpler, by the way. way simpler. you could do it. order the kit. the queen has this mini oak cask, and he has stored some of the beer in there. tasty. we have been talking of having a housewarming when it's ready. scandal - loud music! a fire!

rush hour: three cars at one intersection

day by day.

today has been rewarding. both enjoyable and active. cleaned hank today. vacuuming an environment that's composed entirely of nooks and crannies is a pain in the back. literally. while i was battling the carpet grunge in hard to reach places, the peanut was lying in the hank-crib, miserably gibbering to a toy that hangs from the mosquito netting draped over the two bus seats pushed together to make her "crib". it needs a baby gate; three walls will only stop her for a little while longer. olive, having decided that hank belongs to her (and where the fuck do we take it sometimes?), was sulking on the patio. later, she curled up in a back corner of the hank-crib and went fast to sleep, not even noticing that she got locked in there for several hours. her other favourite place in hank is the middle of the "kitchen" table while preening.

the littlest one's first tooth is prying through the walls of her gum, and it sucks to watch it suck for her. today she woke up shrieking from a nap. poor thing. i told her that "with power comes responsibility" but it didn't seem to make the looming status of bite-ability any less crappy. oh the thresholds we have crossed, people. bodies! development!

tomorrow we get picked up by a friend for a few days in the city. i'm weirded out trying to visualise it sans gnome home. i think i need to take some kind of action about that. stay tuned for emotional sayonara story.

i still read sometimes! when i visited my mom a few weeks ago, i found this mystery in the bookstore she frequents. who knew asimov wrote mysteries? apparently just this one. it is hilarious! i think i read one of his sci-fi's (the use of the apostrophe for plural can be used where, given the spelling of the word, the reading of the word would be easily mis-read without an apostrophe. or something. i learned this a long time ago. is it true? i cannot find it in "the elements of style". of course, if i'm going to be so anal about it, i might just spell out 'science fiction novels' and be sure that i'm correct. close parentheses). i think my dad used to collect asimovs, and let me read "i, robot" when i was young. it didn't take at the time. it was possibly my first science fiction. anyway, "murder" made me reconsider reading him again. his protagonist was honestly portrayed, and the words were witty. there is some sexism, for sure. asimov pulls off writing himself into the book quite well, using himself as comic relief.

kay, tired. 'night.

blaggity blah blah

i've been mentally blogging all week, but of course this will sound like i just pulled it out of my ass while waiting for brownies to bake.

... fuck, i'm drawing a total blank. like that warp field that erases all the films you want to see from your memory, as soon as you enter the rental place (back in the day, when you used to rent films, at a physical location. remember that? dude, you are so old!).

we are looking for a new place to live. we visited a town nearby that has an actual lake, and thus a beach front and tourism. now i am jealous. when i lived in the city, tourism was lame, but now it means that something might be open past five pm (or even on a sunday! my gosh!). also, there's an indian restaurant. i could do that.

it was my first official mother's day as a recipient rather than just a giver. my folks came down, and the queen and my mom's husband cooked us steaks. they were yummy. the queen also came home with a lovely "plant".

him: i wanted to get you something green and living!
me (thinking): that looks just like those plants i see in restaurants, cool.
me, feeling the leaves: honey are you sure it's real?
him: ... nooooooo!!

thankfully, he had kept the receipt. great comic relief.

i read an interesting debate on fbook about the consumeristic, hallmark nature of mother's day. truthfully, i don't find it so in my life. i usually just got my mom some seeds for the garden, and made her a card. i think, in a way, that the consumerism nightmare argument doesn't work if you don't let it dictate your life. are the people in your life really going to be disappointed that you didn't buy them something? handmade things and thoughtful actions are pretty fantastic. and if we don't have enough time to do something nice one day (or five, or ten) out of the year, then isn't it more accurate to complain about our own damn lifestyles, rather than blame it on a holiday? it's odd, because i used to bitch about the consumerism and the resulting pressure at every holiday. but now i don't care.

which doesn't mean i don't stress over gift-giving; just not about buying shit. the queen's birthday is coming up. what do you get for the person who orders everything they want on the internet? handmade card, coming right up!

the brownie recipe (from this book, which i highly recommend for those gluten-free cooks who like slightly more complex recipes. also, not vegetarian, though offering some dairy-free options) called for a quarter cup hot coffee, so of course i made a wee french press and had a cup. now i am thinking i'll be up for hours, but truthfully i'll probably just make icing, read a bit from spadework (not finished, so not sure if i agree entirely with this review, but i am enjoying this one less than his others), and fall into a fitful sleep that will only start to feel restful shortly before the peanut stirs.

a bit of everything for everyone

remember the cat?

me neither. just kidding! olive is, of course, jealous of the peanut. usually content to sleep at the foot of the bed or in between the queen's legs, she has recently decided she needs to sleep between us, by the pillow. right where the baby is. also, she needs to be on my lap, but only when the baby is. when we burp the baby, she comes running, because she likes spanks (s&m kitty, now you know. i outed her.) and it seems to her that we're spanking the child far more often than her own deserving bum gets any action (this is further compounded by the fact i still bend down very rarely, so olive will lure me to the carpet only to be frustrated).

poor cat. she still gets lovins though. i am still thoroughly a cat person. the queen also gives her attention, though his attention is somewhat more... violent than mine. he claims he has broken her, giving evidence that she lets him roll her over and toss her onto beds and couches. i think they vent their frustrations on each other.

i've also taken to talking to the cat like i talk to the baby, and i periodically call the child "kitten". ah well. the queen started calling olive "olivia" which evolved into 'livey, and this morning i heard him call out " 'livey oil! " who broke who, that's what i wonder.

neck cheese?

something that they don't tell you: babies' bodies have lots of folds, and things hide in there. the milk she drinks sometimes (okay, frequently) gets drooled down the side of her mouth and into the crevices in her neck. then it colonizes into neck cheese. these neck folds are tricky, let me tell you. we're talking quaker-during-the-civil-war tricky. spit-up neck cheese is even more quease-inducing, mostly because i just think so. anyway. clean those necks. all of them. especially the ones you can't see.

the midwives!

we had our last official midwife visit, but i hope we see these fabulous women again. they're just awesome. i needed to share that. i've laughed so often during our visits, and i felt so cared for after the birth, with all the breastfeeding troubles, and when i was in the hospital. i appreciate them so much more because i have so much less local community here.

well, mostly i just wanted to talk about neck cheese. wait! for those who remember that i used to blog about adult things like films and books:

we watched "black swan" last night. someone should have warned me it's a psychological horror movie. i watch movies to relax or be mentally stimulated, not scared out of my wits with clenched muscles. that said, it was reasonably well done, although the queen noted the serious amount of ballet and mom issues pegged it as a chick flick, dark as it may be.

i'm (slowly) reading a collection of larry niven short stories. i had read one of his novels and decided it was too "boy sci-fi" for me, but the stories are great. the queen (who got me the book) says his stories tend to be better than his books.

there you go, media fans. some media.

let down the draw-bridge!

after all the productivity in the last few days, i looked at the list of things i wanted to do today and said "fuck it". i erased the list and rewrote it to include: useless trips up and down the stairs; aimless puttering, and; cups of tea. now i feel good about my day. of course, after i gave up on the list, i was actually able to get some shit done. signed up for curbside recycling (which is a paid service in this small town, but we found a cheap one that donates to schools, so we signed up and now plan to slowly ease out the sacks of un-dealt-with recycling we've been storing in the garage) and have been tidying and writing. i like tidying. wandering around the house with two things in my hand, depositing and re-placing the things from room to room. productivity via small piles. that's my aim today.

i think i have prepared physically for birthing, and now am moving into mental preparations. grounding, focusing, etc. not that i haven't been mentally preparing the whole time, but i have put away trying to prepare physically, which leaves me more energy. it's nice. we have the pile of stuff, we have the freezer full. now i can do this. every day i feel more confident.

also, i can feel my body asking "are we ready yet?" and it's nice to say "yes. yes we are. on your cue."

as i read "the stone gods" by jeanette winterson, i have the strong feeling that i have read it already. hmm. so i look in my little book journal i started for this express purpose (was halfway through slaughterhouse-five when i realised i had already read it - and i didn't even like it that much. oh the chagrin!) and discover i read this book in may of 2008. so not only did i come very close to buying it twice, but i am more than halfway through reading it twice. awesome. well, it's still good.

years ago, i was feeling unfulfilled, and upon some inner searching, decided it was because i was spending a lot of time communicating with people, but not creating very much. that's when i started to make 'zines, do more spoken-word, and generally try and accomplish physical creations. now that i am about to finish/start a very visible creative project (magnum opus?), and have moved out of a social milieu, i find myself spending lots of time communicating with people; i have time on my hands, i feel satisfied about my creativity, and i feel the need for interaction. letter-writing, email-writing, phone calls, they all feel satisfying again. i think i used to nourish a lot of people with communication but not receive much myself. now, because my needs have changed, because i have changed what else i am doing with my time, and definitely because of who i communicate with, it's more of a mutual nourishment process. i like how it has come full circle.

still pregnant.

oh my. and how is today.

well, today is another day. we went for one last ultrasound because the baby is presenting so small (they have an optimum growth chart, and i reached the edge of the okay zone on the last midwife's visit. they weren't too concerned, but offered up the ultrasound option as a "better safe than sorry" choice, and we took it since we are know-nothing newbie parents). the eastern european guy who ran the centre popped in while the technician was oozing around with the remote on my blue-goop-covered tummy, and announced everything was fine. he cheerfully pointed out i wasn't the tallest kid on the block, and added that some women just don't show as much as others. the baby is between six and seven pounds, which is a reasonable size. truthfully, not that i would take up smoking to get a small baby or anything insane like that, but i am happier at the idea of birthing a dolphin than a whale. it's my vagina's first time, let's take it easy. the queen's family was all ginormous, and i am very happy i am not birthing a ten- to fourteen-pound earthling through my "pink and healthy birth path" (hey hey, daily affirmations!).

after the ultrasound we picked up some groceries (we're like squirrels, packing away for winter. all the cupboards and freezers are full) and sent off a package at the post office to our friend field in bloom. we also picked up a package (yay!) from the awesomes. it included some microphones the queen had left at their place, things the awesome kids had made, handmade books for writing in that ms awesome is making these days, and the tiniest pair of moccasins in the world. damn, there are perks to having a baby. cute little moccasins is one of them.

when we came home, i was exhausted, and lay down to finally start jeanette winterson's latest, "the stone gods". i am trying to remember to read things other than baby books. one i am very much enjoying is louise erdrich's "original fire": poetry that really rocks my world right now. i like the poems quoted on that link, but my favourite so far is "clouds". also, that link led me to this one, which is good for a giggle. hey, i worked at a bookstore with cats that have their own little pages up on the website, i'm not one to judge. it looks like a great bookstore.

i've subscribed to the "offbeat mama" website, and a redneck photoshoot on it inspired the queen and i. so he put on his headband, i my old north country fair shirt and both of us our cowboy boots and did a little photoshoot in front of the stove at home. it was so much more fun than the cheesy, mom-and-a-bucket-of-love pregnancy photos i see so often. it made us both laugh really hard, which is invaluable as we rocket toward a life-changing event.

i was chatting with a friend who is pregnant with her third. we talked about how the stricter your birthing plan, the more likely things are to turn out differently. she and i were both in a pretty hippie community seven or so years ago when she was birthing her first, and she ended up getting an epidural because the shape of her pelvis didn't allow the baby to descend well, and the pain of the head hitting her pelvis repeatedly made it difficult for my friend to stay relaxed enough to help her baby out. after two days of contractions at home and twenty-four hours of monitored labour, she took the epidural and out the baby came. i relayed to her a very similar story, only the mom was a midwife who ended up going to the hospital and getting an epidural for the same reason and with the same results - out popped little one after the mama was able to relax. my friend said she used to feel a little weird telling the story for fear of being judged by the "natural birthing" community, but that it made her realise there is a place for western medicine. aye aye! so here's a neat link from a woman who made her birthing choice. it reminds me of when i realised that a feminist isn't someone who does or does not shave her legs, but rather, someone who makes the choice to shave for herself, not for society or her partner or the neighbours.

onward, newly discovered freedoms.

home shweet home

boxes unpacked, internet set up, first piece of mail received, cell number changed, addresses mostly updated (if you don't have my new contact info and want it, message me), cat acclimatizing, record player set up.

we did an insanely large grocery run. i have never filled a cart so full. we'll be eating for months, we have tp til the kid graduates... i have tended to live thus far in tiny houses, with many hippies and no storage space or money, so this whole pantry-to-ourselves, buy-in-bulk-to-save-money concept is new to me. we'll see how it goes.

both the queen and i have come down with colds, which sucks ass. i am nursing a cup of horrid, make-you-feel-better tea, and wearing a tuque and scarf on top of my bathrobe. i can hear the queen coughing and clearing his throat. my nose is red. ah yes.

i had so much to say ... of course it's all stuffed into a tiny, unused corner of my brain, competing with mucous. i survived christmas, and moving, mostly because i didn't do much except thank other people for either of those occasions.

moving into the new place has been wonderful; the queen and i each have our own spaces as well as shared space, and we really like it. it's lovely to share a house with my love, after four weeks of sharing a room followed by twelve weeks of sharing a bus followed by ten days of being homeless together. nothing like insane lifestyle choices to give one perspective on how wonderful life can be. also, sharing can get very interesting when you don't have as much.

i wish i was sleepy as well as tired so i could go to our comfy bed and fall asleep. maybe i will try anyway, and wax on poetic some other day. self-care at its most glamorous.

oh yeah, first: read zora neale hurston, and listen to alberta hunter. i plan to do more of both. also, if you have one, pet your cat.

staring at my cat

we're home!

by home, i mean alberta. we spent two days with the queen's parents on their farm. i had a great bath there, and the queen's mom fussed over my not eating enough. we hunted for a place to rent in rural alberta, and found one. a small town, a cute house, decent rent, and enough rooms for us not to kill each other in. also, the era of cute built-in shelving. i love it. the only thing it doesn't have is a gas stove. ah well. it is only a rental. i have an address now! we move in on the 27th.

now i'm sitting on the floor of the living room at the gnome home. wifey is putting batdog to bed, the queen is out having a pint with a friend of his down from the northwest territories, and i am eating ice cream and gluten-free shortbread and watching my cat sleep on the chair nearby and blogging. life is good. hank is out to pasture on the farm.

the next ten days are a medley of visits; my folks are heading to germany for the holidays (this makes them sound richer and more exciting than they are; my stepbrother is spending his first year university there, so they decided to go spend time with him) so i am seeing them in the next two days; visiting with the (step)sis; the queen's family for christmas and new years; the midwives; the bookstore crowd; and all the folks here who want to see my belly. then, uhauling it up (or down, as the vernacular states) with all of our stuff. some of my stuff has been packed for over a year now. i'm curious if it still means anything to me.

and then i will be a small-town girl. must renew walrus subscription and get library card and then go to the grocery store and panic.

one thing i forgot about winter in alberta - it's all grey, white, blue. the cool colours of lifelessness. the snow queen. and i in my new, still-fitting-for-now winter coat (gift from the queen in newfoundland; i have always wanted one and it's SO warm). i feel lucky.

white sands, green chilis, red rocks, white mountains

where to start...

in new mexico, we visited the white sands monument, where the dunes are composed entirely of gypsum crystals. pretty. i realised our trip is themed with bridges and sand. of course, what stands out in my mind about the visit was not only the white dunes, but the green chili popcorn we got in the gift shop. the queen said it tasted like dirt, i loved it, coughing dryly as i inhaled the chili.

crossing over into arizona, we visited sedona, which i have wanted to do since i was nineteen. once we got there, i realised i wasn't able to hike around like i wanted to (what is with this freaking belly?) and i was sad. but it was really, really gorgeous. pictures don't do it justice. we both want to return and go hiking someday when my gut-hog has left the building.

arizona has an amazing array of landscapes. i thought it would be one huge rv park, given the number of people that seem to retire there, but instead i found the wealth of deserts, from disney-style cacti to the red rocks of sedona to hills and then the grand fucking canyon. "epic" is not an understatement, folks. jesus. wonder of the world indeed. again, we plan to return. i have a yen for mule rides into the canyon.

the grand canyon was also good for a break from truck stops and parking lots - sleeping in a campground was blessedly quiet and dark. not to mention all the washing we did. i can shower in under eight minutes - i know that now. coin-operated showers have taught me.

we crossed the hoover dam and dipped briefly into vegas (the queen wanted to check out a gun show. yeah, i stayed in hank) before heading back through arizona and up into utah. the brief period the i-15 was in arizona showcased another incredibly beautiful landscape, pictured here. utah, while pleasant to the eye, is mild compared to arizona.

today we are up in a ski resort town near salt lake city, visiting a friend of the queen's. tomorrow we begin the drive home. we're catching a pre-welcome via the foot or so of snow here, but it's still quite pleasant (i am wearing a fedora, not a tuque, and a fall coat, not a winter one). sigh. i am looking forward to familiar surroundings, visiting the gnomes and being reunited with my sweet olive while the queen goes off and does whatever he likes to do without me - drink, take risks, etc. i am looking forward to not having to hold my belly while on bumpy concrete highways. i am looking forward to not having to bungee shut dresser drawers. but i am not looking forward to freezing my nostril hairs while inhaling a deep breath of winter prairie air.

in the last few days, i have devoured cormac mccarthy's "blood meridian". previously, i had only read "the road", which kept me up all night with its bleakness. "meridian" is far more violent. it's like a video of a car accident captured in beautiful cinematography; so garish, but you have to look and then you can't turn away because the exquisite frame job makes it beautiful somehow. i was struck again by mccarthy's eloquent use of language, his wondrous punctuation style... not for the faint of heart (i could not have read this earlier in the pregnancy; there is a tree of dead babies. seriously, it is violent), but wow. for the strong of heart, definitely. face the devil.

tired of travelling, yes. ready to settle, yes. i have one last series of moguls to face - christmas and finding a home and moving into it. ha ha. yeah, no problem.

it's sunny in conneticut

ah, conneticut. home of a good brewhouse, a good weekly and this boring starbucks with free internet.

actually, i was more fond of maine. who wouldn't be fond of maine? all the cheerful-looking conifers interspersed with the kinds of rocks that feature in cartoons (good size, nice rocky colour, round; good for dropping on wile E coyote) and slate grey streams. we didn't see the moose or the lumberjack, but i know they were out there, whistling. we found a total gem of a truckstop, dysart's. i wish there was a picture on the website of betty, our waitress who called me honey, or the front of the semi they had dismantled, shined and put up on the wall. i have found that truckstops are our friend; overnight parking, showers and laundry, a store full of things thoughtfully provided for long-distance travellers... it's lovely. i never thought i would use that adjective for a truckstop, but really, it is. home away from home. of course, i got 'truckin' by the grateful dead in my head immediately, and kept telling the queen i would meet him at the truck.

yesterday we drove through maine, new hampshire for ten minutes and massachusetts. we were both a bit cranky at the end of the day, but a good night's sleep in a parking lot and this bright sunny day has restored our lovers' moods.

i read the alice walker novel, 'now is the time to open your heart'. have i raved about this woman recently? when i was younger, i poured through her novels 'the colour purple', 'possessing the secret of joy' and 'the temple of my familiar'. walker reminds one that we are the same as the earth, the creatures, the water and sky. really, these aren't things we should protect, but reconnect with and rejoice in. this particular novel remembers me to the Grand Mother. which is nice timing, i must say. seriously, treat yourself to one of the flowers in her garden.

and on that note, i have found myself drawn more and more to women writers as my pregnancy progresses. as i wrote in a letter to a friend recently, male authors are starting to feel like a war in a foreign country; i know i should care more, i should relate more, but it just seems so far away. other than the queen, i don't feel connected to any man. my male friends seem to be waving from the sidelines, while my female friends are running out into the filed and high-fiving me (with hot-water bottles in their sympathetic hands, and tales of pregnancy). it's not that i feel these men-friends are pulling back. nor do i feel that i am. it's more like a gulf of experience is widening between us. the queen can always bridge the gulf; he just puts his hand on my belly and immediately, we're in this boat together. but he's the only one. i wonder how my relationship with my dad would feel if he were still alive.

halifax!

so pretty. we parked hank at a public park; within walking distance to the waterfront, many bookstores, quaint public houses for the queen and a "restaurant with a conscience" that has the best gluten-free pizza i have found so far in the world. meat-lovers ... yum.

so far, we have spent too much money on books (the trend continues). this great book store had a lovely section of women authors, and i found an alice walker novel AND a jeanette winterson collection of short fiction i haven't yet read. so lovely. another bookstore down the road was overstuffed and incredibly daunting. though it had many more books, we didn't end up buying very much because it was exhausting simply to move through the melee of print. stacks upon boxes blocking the bottoms of all the shelves you wanted to look at. huge shelves that towered above your head no matter how tall you are. dark corners stuffed with books you might want, if you could see them. we wandered around, slack of jaw and wild of eye, then left slayed by fiction.

getting to halifax from north sydney where the ferry docked took us half a day, even when we stopped at a cute little market where the queen got some kind of pizza in a bun he claimed was awful. he often claims these things are awful, as i often watch him eat them with a glum look of gluten-free resignation in my eyes. it must have been terrible; he wolfed it down with quiet sighs and moans. such a stoic man.

the ferry itself, having taken eight hours to get to newfoundland, took thirty-two hours to get back. most of this time was spent fifteen minutes from north sydney, where it was too windy to dock. i went out to see how windy was too windy, and it was very, very windy. i had to hold on to the railing to grope my way forward. the captain said it was gusting to 45 knots, which translates to almost 84 km/h. yup, windy. so we got free lousy meals and an extra day off and some more lousy sleep. also, i finished the louise erdrich novel and pretended to start the john irving book i have been avoiding for several months. fortunately, i still haven't touched it, barring the fifty or so pages i read initially, before i gave up. oh john, who changed? you or me? perhaps both of us. maybe it just isn't the right time. ah well.

got my 26-week checkup started at a local walk-in clinic; still need to go to a lab to get some blood taken for something-or-other as well as an oral glucose test to make sure i don't have gestational diabetes. i have gained a bit more weight (i don't seem to be gaining very much, even though i feel like i'm eating with amazing frequency), don't have swelling around my ankles and still have low blood pressure, which is why i get dizzy occasionally. the solution, says walk-in doc, is to drink more water. more fucking water? eight to eleven cups a day is not enough? kiss my watery ass! but it makes sense, because usually the dizzies come in the morning. so i will make sure to drink marathon cups first thing, mom. (pretty sure mom doesn't read the blog, as i can't even convince her to log on to fbook to see the pictures the queen puts up of our journey).

next week, ameeeerickaaaa. noticing i can do less and less things like climbing hills and braving crowds, so my posts may descend into more book reviews and tales of hank naps. be warned. at least i am doing more writing than i ws at the beginning of the pregnancy. it's all balancing out somehow.

still missing my cat.

sitting in a ferry terminal. this is the east coast. i have sat in several ferry terminals and will sit in more before we're done. they are a good place to catch up on internetting and eat suspicious fries that will probably make my stomach hurt.

i just re-read my previous entry and was amused by how materialistic travelling while pregnant has made me. who knew all it took was a jacuzzi tub in a giant bathroom to reduce me to blathering? ah well. i have no regrets about that b&b. in fact, after they made me gluten-free french toast in a separate pan, accompanied by elegant fruit salad (no melon filler for these guys, oh no) i tried to plead with the queen to move here. to the b&b, i mean. he looked amused with a touch of panic.

after i reluctantly packed my things and signed the guest book, we took off to be tourists for a day. we visited signal hill (the view is amazing, plus the tower is open to be climbed, which i always love) and nerded out at the geo centre. we then went to an archeological dig an hour out of st john's, but of course it was closed for the season. still, we parked for the night on a big hill and fell asleep to the sound of waves crashing beneath us. pretty great.

since then, we have been driving back across this island, back to port aux basques where we now sit. the next five days or so are nova scotia, then a day in new brunswick and off to the states. my friend in new orleans, the little pixie, is getting excited and so am i. hey, tomorrow i am 27 weeks pregnant! wild, i know. and i am actually having some "happy to be pregnant" days. i realise i spend a lot of time writing about the crappy parts. but there are hormones at work that make me think this is a good idea, and if i don't overeat and i do pee every ten minutes, they keep me somewhat satisfied. also, i have recently become enamoured with crackers, peanut butter and pickles. i have them as a snack every day. it is pleasing to my belly.

we will be back in alberta at the 33-week-of-pregnancy mark. we are almost halfway done, time-wise (i am slowly reading this great book about time, and i must say it is awesome. i am currently learning about entropy, which i have always wanted to do). i have begun to have pangs of longing for home, but they have not eclipsed how great it is to be out here. last night, for example, we parked just outside of a closed-for-the-season golf course and had a romantic night in, consisting of pasta-by-LED-light, then cribbage and hot chocolate and sarah vaughan. afterward, we each did our own thing. hank is separated by curtains into two rooms, so i napped and read (the time book and a fantastic novel by louise erdrich, which i am totally hooked on and trying not to read too fast because the writing is good enough to read it slowly) and the queen practiced classical guitar. these are the kind of nights i think i will miss when we have a baby. so i did my best to really enjoy this one.

i just got distracted by the queen's photos on fbook of our trip. i'm sleeping on the bus through about half of them, so they're new to me even as they look familiar. i had deep thoughts to share (i do still have them, when i'm not napping or thinking about food) but they have floated away on a sleepy ether. i think they were about - oh yeah! (thanks brain) - commitment and phobias. see, being in my early thirties, i have relationship phobias, and had basically come to peace with the idea of not really having one of those LTRs. short liaisons, as shallow as their reputation may be (no judgment here, i learned a lot), were serving me just fine. i have been reading on some people's fbook profiles links to interesting articles about the psychology of relationships. i provide a link even as i hesitate, probably because i fear being judged flaky for getting something out of this. but i did get something out of it, so i bare this link to my own psyche, sigh. it hit the nail on the head for me in regards to several points.

one, compromise. i resisted compromise for a long time because i felt it to be disempowering. so many of the relationships in my life (not the romantic ones, i mean my childhood and family relationships) robbed me of my autonomy that i really needed to spend some time not compromising with anyone. but eventually, that leads to a stubborn attitude of "my way or the highway" when frankly, my way isn't that much better than anyone else's. still, if it feels gross, don't do it, so i didn't. stevens makes a point that allows me to separate the disempowering choices with the simple compromises that come with any close relationship. his examples are perhaps a bit too simple, but i get it.

another interesting point the article brought up for me is how the inner gender balance of each of us affects our choice in relationships. it sheds a little light on some of the patterns i have seen in myself and others. as i have become more comfortable with my feminine side (realising it does not eclipse my masculine side) i have found men who respect and appreciate my femininity more. this has, in fact, been very recent. perhaps men in the past have appreciated my femininity, but since i didn't, i probably either didn't notice or judged them for it.

anyway, the article disintegrates into a discussion about "why there are so few good men out there", which i don't really buy into, so read it at your own discretion. i got something out of it so i share.

i could live here

ah, the maritimes. currently in fredericton, new brunswick; a cute little government city on the river, with beautiful old houses. as much as i had fun in montreal, this is more my pace. though we nearly lost our minds today in a sneaky hate spiral. true to recipe, our day started poorly; in a mall parking lot, the queen couldn't sleep, i had to wait in line at a medicentre to discover i still have my UTI :( and then we went to the hospital so i could pee in more cups. after missing the easy pharmacy, we got lost finding the complicated one, then the queen realised he had lost the cap to the diesel tank and we'd been pissing money away for half the day. the clincher was not being able to find a place where we could replace it, and then losing a small but important tool somewhere in the depths of hank (still haven't found it) and i desperately needed a nap but felt too stressed out to take one. the queen doesn't mind hardships and challenges if he can do something about them, but take away his ability to solve and he swears like a very angry irishman.

eventually, we ate chips and calmed down. the sneaky hate spiral is difficult to climb out of, but it can be done. the queen found a way to fix something, i lay down for a brief nap in the parking lot of canadian tire, and it got better. we even salvaged enough of the day to make it worth having awoken at all. the queen took some pictures of the quaint downtown while i took an epic nap, and then we went out for supper at the blue door. we had the duck, and it was incredible. i had never had duck before, and i don't know if it will ever be this good again. damn. that was some fine duck.

we then went browsing through bookstores. the queen found a vonnegut he didn't have and i found a really cool book on time by sean carroll. i will keep you posted on how that is. it reads quite well at the beginning. speaking of books, have i raved about the book of flying yet? i'm more into sci-fi than fantasy but this fantasy book is gorgeous. the style is really lyrical, but it doesn't eclipse the plot, which moves at a faster pace than most fantasy books do. one thing that drives me a bit crazy about fantasy is the amount of time the author spends describing the land and the customs of the land, whose brother owns what castle and what the fuck that creature is. sometimes, that's really well done and i love it (the silmarillion, for example). but most of the time i yawn and put it down. the book of flying does not fall into this pit of masturbatory boredom. it introduces each character simply, describes the land that pico, the librarian, is travelling through, and then moves on. the writing style is so... i want to say pretty, but it's dreamier than that. the marriage of dreamy style and succinct plot keeps me engaged while letting me dwell on specific phrases; like a chocolate mousse that is neither too rich nor too sweet - you can just keep eating and you don't overdo it. anyway. rant rant rant.

back to our evening, it's a perfect date. which is nice, because we had some relationship stress in montreal. i won't go into it now, since it's all over and pretty well resolved, but it was rather stressful at the time. so it feels nice to have some intimacy. dinner and a bookstore; that's our style all right. then go rock the bus, har har har. as i was done napping this afternoon, i heard a woman walk past and say, in a disdainful and disbelieving tone, "they live in a schoolbus?" i decided afterward i should have yelled out "and we're in your neighbourhood!" the queen thinks i should have added "and we're breeding!"

i guess we do live in a schoolbus. i tend to think that we are on a roadtrip, but in most people's worlds, roadtrips are maybe slightly less lengthy, and they are still paying rent or mortgage somewhere. i tried to think if i use that tone of disdain for anyone, and the queen and i agreed i use it on people who use that tone on other people (in the nature of being intolerant of intolerance).

tomorrow, PEI. i want to write about the fog, the mistiness, i want to write about this amazing love, i want to write about the little gymnast inside me (the queen took some good bump pics, i promise i will post them. they are more bulge than bump now; i just entered my third trimester! woot woot!). but the cafe is closing. soon.

ups and downs

back in canada. i never thought a 7-11 could look so good. we're staying with the red-haired nutritional vixen in southern ontario. it looks like we'll be here for a few days, since i seem to have a bladder infection. :( apparently they're pretty common in pregnancy, but i feel sad and disappointed. this is my first. the establishment has me on antibiotics, and i have to stick around for a few days to makes sure my bad little bodies aren't immune to the vengeful heroes i swallow three times a day (ever since i was a kid i've personalized my immune system. it really helps with the visualizations).

fortunately, the town is quaint and has gluten-free dining options. hank could use a few days of chillness, and the queen might take off for a day so we can each have some solo time. especially in the states, we've been sticking pretty closely together since we started out. it's healthy to remember how to miss each other.

after wisconsin, we drove through michigan. the upper peninsula seems like it's miles from anywhere else, and the locals (called "yoopers") are weird and proud of it. the great lakes are big enough to connote the sea - you cannot see the other shore. we drove over the mackinac bridge and then we were pretty much done with michigan, so we stuck to the interstate to get back to canada faster.

i just finished a great collection of ursula leguin's science fiction stories, published under the title "a fisherman of the inland sea". in it, there's a story of space travelers. the custom is to spend some time together before the journey connecting, building up their rapport. they call that period an "isyeye". basically, it's the coming together of something if it is going to come together at all. this trip is an isyeye for the queen and i. it's our chance not just to get to know each other better, but to learn if/how we work together.

for example, the bladder infection. normally i am pretty blasé about my physical health: i don't have a very strong connection to my body, so i just try and put the right things in often enough that i don't have to worry about it. i have been trying to develop more of a body connection, but i still know my brain far better.

being pregnant means i need to take my body more seriously; i need to pay attention and take less risks. this stresses me out. when i realised i might have a bladder infection, which increases the risk of developmental delays and preterm labour, i totally shut down. i don't like being solely responsable for this child's life. it sucks. i am excited to bring it into the world where the queen can bear some of the weight. i know he is looking forward to that moment as well.

he spoke sharply to me as we got to the hospital, probably because i was totally distracted and not helping with anything (the bladder infection grew in my mind until it ate my baby and reduced me to catheters), and then i got scared in the hospital (i do not like large buildings, i do not feel comfortable in new places and i don't like sharing my body with strangers, so there i was, profoundly unhappy). my feeling scared in a "legitimate" environment (where people aren't supposed to be scared - my fear in a dark alley looks totally different) leads to meekness, which sparks frustration in the queen (i think), so we were not the happy couple in the emergency waiting room. having driven a lot on little sleep probably didn't help.

i wanted the queen to be strong so that i could be weak. that was an expectation and an assumption of mine. if i had been single, i would not have behaved the same way. it frustrates me when i find situations where my behaviour changes because of who is around. i mean, i know that is inevitable, but it bothers me when i feel like i am bringing less of myself to the table because i think someone else can contribute that attribute better than i.

i also feel sad that we've been finding a good groove together lately, but we couldn't do that very well. i guess stressful situations maybe aren't the easiest things to build teamwork through, but they are the ultimate testing ground. the queen apologized for his frustration but i wasn't really interested in paying attention, because i couldn't think about anything else until i asked the doctor about the baby. the baby seems fine. ze was quiet for a couple of days, but that may have been my stress and the travelling as much as anything, because i felt ze kick a few times this evening. and i feel happy. damn motherhood, it's got me already.

toasting ashland

welcome to ashland, wisconsin. home of the micro-brewery we went to dinner at last night (our version of canadian thanksgiving included steak and seafood and smiling at each other). it made me happy to see a list of local farms and businesses that the brewery's restaurant supports. i revelled in the co-op i went to this morning, as well as the black cat café next door, where i am currently blogging and the queen is uploading photos to his computer and journalling, looking far sexier than you can imagine. i love that there is a little community here, and that it feels familiar because i can identify elements of a community: people and groups supporting each other in a way that all, including the children, can grow and prosper.

the pace of our travelling has slowed down, which is really really lovely. town names i have enjoyed include Nary and Wawina. signs i have cringed at include "Ask God Who To Vote For" and "Chicken - Crispy and Moisturized". moisturized chicken? what, we slathering hand lotion on these birds before we fry 'em? i am ashamed to say the chicken sign is in canada.

we stopped in grand rapids the night before last, and camped beside a lakeside beach. in the middle of the night, we were still up for some reason, and we saw a minivan pull up in front of a house and three black-clad figures hop out with leaf bags, which they proceeded to rip open and spread over a pristine lawn. drive-by leafing. ominous. the next day we went in to a sport store and the queen looked at handguns while i looked at camo onesies (called "the little shooter"). neither of us purchased said things, much to the relief of the other one.

yesterday, we drove through duluth. we had debated stopping there, but were too stunned to get off the highway. it was very... industrial. shockingly so. we decided it would have a desolate beauty in the winter, and i added that i would only feel safe living there if my dad lived there. he would know all the scary people, i decided. we took a lot of pictures from the bus. it probably doesn't help that we've been watching "the wire" as we travel, and are now terrified of baltimore, and by extension, all american cities.

they were doing construction on the bridge, and we marvelled that the construction workers looked the same as they did back home: there was the guy in shades with a moustache, the guy with grey stubble, the young guy who looked pissed off and was likely to injure himself before the year was out ... only missing was the woman in white pants, chewing gum and holding a 'slow' sign.

pregnancy update: 22 weeks, all's well. we have decided that my uterus is the size of either a large grapefruit or an acorn squash. did you know the placenta is classified as an organ? i have an extra organ for four more months! i've been reading ina may's guide to childbirth and am quite excited to give birth now. i have learned how it can be empowering. bring on the rushes! i was writing to another pregnant friend that i have struggled a bit to find where my maternal urges are without losing any other part of me. this book has helped me find a part of me that i simply didn't need before. i'm not so much different as bigger.

sigh. much bigger. the queen tells me i am beautiful, and i don't exactly feel ugly but i do miss my flatter body. and the ability to treat it selfishly. i miss the ability to bend and turn without thinking carefully. i have begun to put my socks on by bending my leg sideways.

thanks willie. thanks a lot.

of course, "on the road again" is tilting through my mind. before we left the awesomes, mz awesome played it on the banjo, and i learned another line: "the life i love is playing music with my friends". i haven't played music with my friends in a long time. there are some things i cannot or do not want to do, thank you hormones. the queen and i played cribbage the other night, and i had absolutely no interest. sigh. of course i lost.

what is new? well, i feel better than i did at last posting. with help from russell hoban (well, kleinzeit, really) and a bit from nick drake, i realised that you get the time you get. you get the baby you get. wheeling and dealing is not going to work out the way you want it to, so while you can still try and change what you have, acceptance is key to not going insane. and i found some.

yesterday, we visited my grandma's grave in the awesomest cemetery. i also found my great uncle, and my great grandparents. i couldn't remember the name of my great great grandmother, who is also there, so her stone went untended. sad.

then, we drove south and visited my barely alive great aunt. also sad. she was clearly happy to see me, but i'm not sure she knew who i was. i left her a card and a kiss when they put her down for a nap.

then we got shaken by the border patrol when they found the queen's hookah and assumed it was for smoking marijuana. of course it isn't, and of course they didn't find any, but they took the bus apart looking. oddly enough, while they were miffed that brian dare occasionally (so occasionally we forgot it was there) smoke flavoured tobacco, they didn't even mention the full-length samurai sword also in the bus. welcome to america, where you have the right to defend your person with ancient weapons you carry around in your vehicle, but not to get high, or do anything that might resemble getting high.

once freely let into the greatest country in the world, we stopped at dale's truck stop, home of a drive-thru beer store and lounge, with ponies tied up outside. yeah, really. wow. then we drove through a thunderstorm. i love thunderstorms on the prairies. it's beautiful here.

today, we're leaving north dakota for michigan on our southern tour around the great lakes, and then going back into ontario (that's right, orange-haired nutritional vixen, we're headed your way!). may our way be paved with happiness and smooth roads.