May 17, 2012

anger, yours and mine

i need to figure out my stuff around holding onto other people's emotions.

specifically, anger and frustration. for some reason, these emotions were taboo in the household growing up. so when people raised their voices, it was a seriously bad deal.

now that i think of it, i wonder if actually, i made it a bad deal. maybe other people in my household just raised their voices, felt frustrated and angry, and then worked it out. maybe they didn't carry it around like i did. like i still do.

other people's moods are just that. but then, emotions can be so... easily absorbed? so... fluid. they can just wash right over me, and get in my ears and up my nose.

i think my problem is actually that i take their anger personally. when someone is sad i don't look for a cause in myself. why do i blame myself for other people's bitchiness? that is complete and utter crap (trying to swear less). taking other people's bad moods personally makes living with people who are easily frustrated rather traumatizing. i remember this from experiences in cloud nine, and at the speakeasy (that's what was going on in that post).

so, now that i have identified the problem, let us stare blankly at the wall for some time.

ugh. okay, first, try to notice when this is happening. what do i do? try and appease. okay, first step, don't appease. need to do something else instead. opposite of appease is incite, which i'm not sure is wise for anyone, but might provide comic relief in my head.

"yeah, you're feeling pissed off? well fuck you!"

so much for less swearing.

okay, so what is a neutral action? on a side note, since i think a neutral action is no action at all except some kind of non-violent communication like "i see that you are swearing and hitting this inanimate object," did you know that one of the synonyms for appease is to 'be enough'? there is some deep shit stuff in there, which i am going to just cruise on by for now.

you know, i should probably just cop to my own anger. then maybe other people's anger might not scare me so much.

i am not sure how to own my anger. i can feel it. is that it? sometimes it helps motivate me to accomplish things. in a bit of a fury, sure.

i think other people's anger bothers me because of the loss of control. i fear what they can and will do to me. i am not a very good judge of when someone is going to, say, strike out physically. so i live in fear when other people are angry. do i take it personally, or do i simply seek to appease out of fear?

perhaps the question is 'how do i deal with being afraid of other people's anger?'

take up martial arts? ha, i just misspelled that 'marital arts'. maybe it is a hint. 

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