January 30, 2010


sitting at the computer in the wee hours, having come home, gone to bed and now being up again. i am not sure what drove me from sleep, i only know it did. and here i sit.

hung out with an old friend, one of the oldest, actually. straight from junior high. we had dinner, and then drinks, and then more drinks. of course, as always when i am with him, i paid for nothing. we ran into another group of friends, and he bought them drinks, and then gave them a ride home as well as i. this is what happens when we're out with the nicest man i know.

we talked about whether or not to be nice to douchebags. nicest man stated unequivocally that he is nice to everyone at first, but if they're douchebags, he stops. it is such a simple thing, to be kind. it really does not require a lot of forethought or decision-making.

i am looking forward to today. after work, a multidisciplinary salon, filling my evening with art.

thinking about the future. feels scary. i have been working on the calmness that i need, working on the breathing and the empath exercises. but i still find that i am in a place where today is all i can think of, else i start feeling short of breath. shoulders stoop like i'm pulling a plough. i worry that it's adversely affecting my decision-making. i feel disenchanted with slow things, with subtle things. all in all, it doesn't feel like i am living deeply, rather, skating on the surface of my life.

after writing that, what else is there?

i feel depressed. winter is long, cuddle buddies are in thailand, budgets are eternally tight and everything nice is wearing off like a thin patina, colour fading, tired. i remember when it was warm outside and you could touch the ground with your bare skin.

January 28, 2010


i'm getting busier again. this brings fear. why?

because i ignore myself when i get busy. i don't check in, i end up acting out of reaction and not response. it snowballs, and i do more and more for other people. i feel guilty because i connect with three old friends and then six more tell me they never see me anymore. and i can't figure out how to prioritize who i spend time with, so i end up panicking, and making plans in self-defence (alright, i'll hang out, just don't make me feel guilty!). even though i like all the people i see, i don't want to see them all all the time. the people i do want to see, i want to see because they give me something. so on top of feeling guilty, i feel selfish. awesome. cue extended time on the computer procrastinating.

in reality, i like a lot of what i am doing. chilling with the gnomies, with the bookstore crowd, building connections, strengthening relationships. really reaching out more. still reading, still getting incredible peace from things like shoveling the walk and doing laundry (why are these so awesome? i don't know). but i feel like charlie brown. impending doom at the hands of other people.

maybe the frantic is not caused by the increased activity. maybe it is caused by the absence of something else. no yoga. no sitting. no empath exercises. i know these help me. i know it. but they're the first to go. okay. so we will try to bring these back and then see how things go.

recently, i did two things i haven't done for a while. one, i became physically intimate with a woman. it was really awesome, and that's all i am going to say about it. i want to say more, but the more would be all blathery. so no.

secondly, i accepted an invitation to facilitate a workshop. well, i am going to send a proposal. hopefully it will work with their programming. the local pirg is setting up a series of workshops and talks to help spread better information about sex. my interest is how our culture is so terrified of nudity and sex that we treat it like it hurts people. what the hell is so dangerous about my boobs and my masturbation? seriously, any light anyone can shed on this would be great. one book that really opened me up to the subject is john ince's "politics of lust", which is a bit dry, but has some amazing gems. i need more material to research on this. i have two weeks to get the proposal done. ideally, i want people to be shocked that society has cut them away from their own bodies and eroticism, and also empowered by a new way of relating to their own sex drive and feelings about bodies.

i haven't facilitated in a long time. but this is a subject i care so much about, that i am willing to step back into the arena of public.

January 26, 2010

expanding the awesome

listening to the new air album, eating toast (part of a complete breakfast including apple and trusty fish pill - only small fish so toxins are fewer) and drinking tea. i stayed out all night and crashed at the gnomes, then booted it home this morning to discover my illustrious roommate had fed the dogs breakfast as well as left me some cash for groceries and a tupperware of "real hungarian gulyas" which i shall be heating up later. have i nicknamed my roommate yet? if not, he is now the chef. anyone who makes gluten-free cheesecake is a chef in my eyes. and his sushi! i am a vehement fan. i have no doubt the goulash shall be awesome.

the air album, love 2, is mellower, more aged than some of their other stuff (and where it isn't mellow, i'm like "oh guys, just embrace your age. it's okay to be refining what you do. you don't have to learn new tricks"). it's odd finding enjoyment from musicians getting older. i remember discovering the later works of my parents' generation of musicians, and being upset that they had converted from being hard rock musicians to what i dubbed 'easy listening'. now that i'm aging with the musicians, i have more empathy with the desire for mellow. good music ages well, and bad music goes away eventually. i'm generally a fan of this album, but i haven't fallen in love with it.

last night was kind of epic. should i start with the drunken punching at the bookstore? my first time filling out a statement for the police! or should i, since the story is tawdry and predictable (except for the bit where the drunk guy was trying to hide behind me from the other guy, seeing as i'm all of 5'5 and maybe 130lbs. that part is funny), skip right to the pub where i caught up with a couple of co-workers, although one of them flew home almost immediately after i got there. yes, i like that part of the night better, let's talk that one up.

the remaining co-worker had recently gone through some romantic changes in her life and, for whatever reason, scored a number of free drinks from the bartender (our staff are regulars, and the bartender in question is a regular at our store). she was rather well fortified with whiskey when i arrived. as we drank, we discussed the role of fate in our lives. fate plays a pretty epic role in her life. she doesn't rely on a big helping hand or anything; she regularly makes her own plans. but the big things she gets done are often shaped by seemingly meaningless events, like her dad getting sick while on vacation leading her to fall in love with a certain european campus and then going there as a student. had he never gotten sick, she would not have noticed how perfect the campus was for her. this inspired us to detail out a list titled "measures of fate"

- illness
- death
- falling in love
- empty seats
- missing the bus/train/plane
- other people's plans changing
- other people's relationships
- platonic crushes

platonic crushes came as an epiphany for both of us. we detailed out how many platonic crushes we had turned into romantic relationships (cuz society claims that as the gold medal of relationships, so if you can, you should, right?) and ended up the poorer for it. such a fount of richness, crammed into the wrong vessel. i vow to tell my platonic crushes how awesome they are.

i haven't updated what i've been reading lately. i had a craving for roddy doyle (a fondness for the irish, what can i say) and picked this up. it's great if you've forgotten what bastards our society churns out. doyle really works at hearing the main character. i am impressed when men can portray victims of male violence without making it about men (not that the responsibility lies anywhere else, but i mean the story and the voice). he let it be her experience. and i'm the richer for it.

i've also been reading a collection of book reviews by freeman dyson called "the scientist as rebel". it's very readable and occasionally fascinating. it doesn't teach any science, just describes parts of history where scientists have been very influential, for example, nuclear physics and the nasty bomb. if you want to learn about specific scientists, dyson seems very well-read and describes other books quite well. he can set you on the right path for the kind of information you're looking for.

January 23, 2010

happy blood

i need to write, to try and share how vehemently i am enjoying my life right now.

and it isn't because life is better. the same things are happening: i am going to work, coming home, at least one of those still in the dark. i am eating, sleeping, reading. i am riding the bus and talking to gnomes. it is the same life, but i like the moments more than i used to. or even, when i like the moment, i like it more than i used to.

yes. my satisfaction runs deeper now.

let this translate in my actions, please.

January 22, 2010

beautiful music video with lots of grey

today sf and i got together for an old-fashioned, post-break-up stuff exchange. it was challenging, in ways i was not prepared for. i prepared myself for what i am generally afraid of (someone else needing me desperately and provoking a fissure between the part of me that wishes to support endlessly and the part of me that will not stand for co-dependency), and then the regular sadness of it all hit me in the heart. oh darn. i had forgotten the way the lines sit around his mouth, suggesting he laughs often. i had forgotten how his posture shows his practice - round shoulders, round belly, straight spine: drawn up from the inside.

a friend of mine ponders online if a broken heart can be mended. many say yes, a few resolutely say no. some share stories, other speak cryptically. i play with words, offering varying definitions from breakthroughs (who wants to recover from those?) to breakdowns (usually the mind masquerading as the heart) to breaking open (hurts like a sunavabitch but sincerely worth the pain).

i really do think that given time, pain ages well. eventually, pain reminds us something really important happened, something self-shaping. but no, i don't think it ever really mends. that's like asking if you stop missing the people who die - you don't. not ever. why would time change that?

sf and i wondered why it's so common that people strive toward relationship, and yet often seem unhappy about the one they're in. but keep doing it. he tossed out the idea that maybe they don't think about it as much as we do, don't give themselves the mental out. i think he has a point, but i refuse to deny myself the out. people stay in abusive relationships by thinking they have no way out. are there relationships people want to stay in?

a quick look at what seems to be a nice relationship here.

i'm making a mixed cd for one of the gnomes. i've been building it for a while, but things have been changing really quickly these days, and songs are becoming irrelevant quickly. i think i've brought some clarity to the situation today. lots of em-power and forward-moving grooves. i toy with the idea of having a radio show. maybe when i stop volunteering with the dance board...

January 20, 2010

dancing on the edge of the coin of readiness

really enjoying my life these days, which is surprising since i have scored yet another illness. at least this one isn't the flu. but i was reading some buddhism stuff, and it reminded me that my state of illness or health is separate from the human condition: what kind of human being i am does not change. the meaning and purpose i bring to my life does not change.

epic meeting with my therapist. really feeling whole with some of the broken past. not even sure how it is possible, just know that i am including parts of me in my decision-making process that i long thought were lost, dead, gone.

i noticed the pace of my life was ramping up a bit since the roommate had moved in. and i wish to slow it down again. slowness brings me more pleasure, and that is a good thing. also, then i drink less. again, a good thing. why do so many of my social groups still use alcohol?

thinking about what it is that brings people to a readiness to be in relationship. i realize (through the course of listening to friends talk about their own processes) that i don't want to admit when my needs are not getting met, because i don't want to make the other person feel bad. i don't want to ask them to change, i don't want to hurt their self-esteem. so i betray myself? doesn't seem like an effective compromise. hello, ugly past! you're not that ugly. come here. let's meet...

instead of being honest, i just decide i'm done. and once i decide that, it seems pretty hard to reverse it. but i wonder how it would look if i shared? if i was brave enough to have said "i want to go hiking with you, not walking. i want to dance wildly with you, i want to throw our bodies, unencumbered by egos, to the wind." or if i had said "i miss your kindnesses, the ones you gave me before we started dating, when we were still friends." or: "i don't want to be the only decisive person in the relationship." would those relationships have progressed any differently?

still, i have trouble even with the idea of being that honest. i don't want to be the big judge, telling someone they aren't good enough. i have been there. it just makes you question every single thing about yourself. you second-guess all your actions. it sucks. why should they need to know? except i guess when i follow through on the path of not telling them anything, that doesn't work either. begin overthinking now.

i think there is something to be said about the delivery. i mean, it's not that someone isn't good enough. it's that they aren't right for me. but when is it a deal-breaker and when can it be worked out (is it a sliver or a bullet)? not to mention that if it's something like how they deal with their own body or their own past, something more abstract and slower-moving, how patient can i be? even if they agree that is something they want to work on?

also: can i receive that kind of feedback? i basically spend my spare time in self-development (okay, not as obsessed in the last few years, but it's still a theme), and i know part of this is defensive in nature: i will fix everything so that you will never leave, and i will do it before you even notice there was something wrong. how do i respond to the fact that this is a game in my head ? that i am as imperfect as the rest of us?

January 15, 2010

tiny prattles

finally! peaceful blogging time.

we lost our internet again last week; who knows what happened. sometimes it seems like the 'technology is evil' thing becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. when you're staring tearfully at the stubborn, silent router, pleading with it, who's in charge? (hint: there was no one ever in charge)

fortunately the wife's roommate, hereafter dubbed the queen because of his princely talents (what are you talking about? that totally makes sense), came over and fixed it, and now we're back online. i am not sure what he did, but i suspect it involved tinkering, surgery and conveniently timed lightning bolts.

also, i had the flu. i caught it from batman/batdog, who caught it from one of the two kids who came down with it that wifey looks after. those kids' mom and aunt came down with it as well. wife and i were ill pretty much on the same schedule. that's some highly contagious vomit! i am feeling better today, which means i'm still kinda queasy but it's so much better than yesterday that in a way, i feel fantastic. today i feel grateful for the ability to eat and digest food. also, sit up and bend down without seeing colours and smelling stomach acid. great! now that we've fully decompressed that, on to other things that maybe you'll want to relate to!

after being sent home from work, i went to the gnomes', since two thirds of that house had already graced the throne with their offerings, and the queen pumped my semi-conscious brain with movies whle i held down water but refused to eat anything else. first, wes anderson's stopmotion cartoon "fantastic mr. fox", yes based on roald dahl's storybook. i love how, as an adult, we can deconstruct children's stories. this one seems to me to focus on grassroots activism, with the usual (important) dose of being loved for who you are and valuing the talents that come naturally to you. (thus being more effective at grassroots activism, and not letting your ego fuck it up for the rest of us, right?)

the second movie we watched hit me harder (perhaps i was more awake? oh wait, it was really violent. could be that too). "the cook, the thief, his wife & her lover" brought out a holy fuck reaction in me. not just the cinematography, which is enchanting: the way they play with colours! wow. not just the violence, which takes on a pretty terrible hue (no rape scene, for those equally sensitive, but definitely some other trigger points). not just the ending, which i shall say no more about. something made it dwell in my mind's eye. maybe it was the cinematography. so i looked up the cinematographer, and now want to watch everything he worked on.

since i missed drinking coffee for a day, i decided to renew my efforts to quit. i remember tea becoming exotic and smoky after i gave up coffee before, so i know that reality is possible. today i have the caffeine withdrawal headache, but compared to recent bodily trials, this is light work.

i think this illness makes my thoughts boring, so i am going to go back to reading "player piano". check in another day for more emotional depth.

January 8, 2010

well-worthy rant

emotional abuse: far more prevalent than people think. someone beats you? we all understand how that works. someone belittles you? maybe it's your fault. don't put up with that, you know? stand up for yourself or maybe they're right, says the unspoken majority, complicit in our silence, in our doubt.

people are outing their gay selves, their depressed selves, asexual selves, alternately gendered selves, addicted selves and even their beaten and (more slowly) beating selves. can we now out our manipulative bastard selves? can we confess to telling our significant others that they don't have the same rights as we do? can we admit that we have threatened? and more, can we see how fucking big of a deal it is to try and warp someone's behaviour and self-image to our own desires? there is no right way to use force against another.

can we see the little one inside ourselves, the betrayed one? can we be with this part of ourselves and can we know, know with some degree of certainty gained through serious practice, that we are taking care of that little, defenceless part of ourselves no matter what?

it is not that i will never forget about that tiny, traumatized part of me. it is that i will always remember. no matter what happens, i will remember.