January 20, 2012

evolution is dirty

watching "breakfast at tiffany's" with the dumpling. have never seen it before! it brings to mind, specifically, the nature of talent. am i deeply, importantly talented? or just cleverly, entertainingly talented?

i cried at the end of the film. of course. all will be well as long as Cat is okay. truly, i had to pick up my cat and sob while sitting beside the dumpling. who, relatively gently, petted the cat.

another quote, from music this time. "that old man/old woman you hope to be is still an infant." actually, the more complete quote is:

as far as we know there's only one way to gauge time
whether it's play time, work time or hit-the-stage time
hours, minutes and seconds; bars, beats and ticks
your watch isn't broken right now, there is no need to fix it
slow down for a moment and think about this in the context of instants
that old man or old woman you hope to be is still an infant...

i have this horrible confession to make. i am not truly in love with being a mom. i still miss my old life. i am two thirds this woman, except for the acceptance part. is this because enough time has not passed? am i still in the dark moon phase? am i still depressed, and this is why, although i know my child's fat little wrists thoroughly, it's more through being stuck with her every day than through the romance of motherhood? or am i just broken?

i have this sneaky feeling that although some women experience the born-again motherhood love-fest, many of us (at least more than i) just take on motherhood like the job it is; sometimes rewarding, sometimes a pain in the ass. i connect this somewhat to being not madly in love with crafts and kitsch, but who knows. maybe i'm just being judgmental :)

anyway. here is some writing i did. if you read these, maybe my dark egg of self-esteem will crack slightly. the first one is very recent, the second one about a year ago. also, kerry rae is a good photographer. so i'm really not asking too much.

No comments:

Post a Comment