May 31, 2011

the tiniest knuckle hairs

whew. she also boasts the tiniest knuckle sandwich. i think she's teething. is it too early to be teething? hopefully not. eating doesn't help, changing doesn't help, even carrying her around only appeases for a moment. one cannot argue, bargain, plead or reason with an angry, stressed out little grublet. why don't i stop trying and just sing when she cries? because i have empathy, and as a parent, it's a superpower - 'super' implying intensity, not capability.

i gave her a little teething ring, but her tiny mouth is too small - it's sort of fun to watch her try though. i'm going to try the chipped ice in a mesh chew bag-thing someone gave us. i'll try anything, i've no shame (chipped ice in the mesh bag totally worked; she was all "what the? - gimme that shit"). writhing octopus, tribe of hissing cats, bottomless pit. what do these all have in common? they're her new nicknames.

uh, in deeper matters, i'm definitely going through one of the mourning stages for my old life. i took a few days off from small town life to go to "the big city" with the peanut. the queen joined us partway through. the wife did her amazing childcare thing in exchange for some groceries, and the queen and i went to a live jam and got drunk with my sis, who later disappeared into a gross nightclub with lots of young people. it was nice to get some time off from the grublet. the queen and the wife let me sleep a whole ten hours - it was like a holiday, especially in the way that i felt as though i needed another one to recover from this one.

oh yeah, i was supposed to talk about deeper matters. i've noticed i am good at avoiding this lately. i think, to be honest, that i don't want to admit i am not particularly happy right now. it will make me feel like a failure in choices, since shouldn't i be happy laying in this bed i made? and if i'm not, doesn't that mean i made the wrong choice? i know it's more complicated than that, but the realisation doesn't stop the insecurity. also, if i admit i am not happy, doesn't that make me a horrible mom? these things i would scoff at as a non-parent are harder to discard now. stupid hormones-led-on-by-society-bullshit. i've been faking it, telling people about the deep sense of satisfaction i feel, but quite frankly, sometimes i prefer the previous fleeting quest for happiness to this "i am already content, give me more poopy diapers" attitude of motherhood.

a friend told me not to succumb to the image of motherhood, to remember i am still me with all my non-maternal instincts. i was all "i am SO not at risk of that" and then i thought about it for twelve hours and realised i am. horribly, horribly at risk. isolated, with only my queen (AKA sir mans-a-lot) and the cat to remind me of my previous desires - shit, see that's how it happens - my current desires that are muffled under a thousand bibs wet with spit-up.

she's cute, and i love her, but it ain't everything.

May 26, 2011

send more nori

stayed up late enough to make it easier to just stay up til the peanut's 1am feeding. listening to ckua, a very wonderful radio station. a great blend of better songs. that is all i will say about music in this entry, sorry.

emotionally, what is up with me these days:

well, still tired. probably still quite low in iron, since i went below the line under which it is reasonable to receive a blood transfusion (but skipped it). i eat nori sheets (even though my but microbes are inferior), beets, liver... but it will take a while. other parts of my body are still settling in to whatever my new life looks like. lots of small child, way less personal time. did you ever notice that we allow ourselves more of a 'stress' reaction to change that surprises us? expected or chosen change isn't allowed to be stressful.

in one way, it's easy to be me right now. certainly easier than it has been! parenting is probably the simplest it's going to be; the peanut and i are developing a rhythm (not a schedule) and i am finding pockets of time (when i should probably be sleeping) like right now. a snatch of fun here, a scattered few pages in my journal or online; sanity. later, when she's running amok, these moments will probably be harder to find.

in another way, things suck. we are moving, so add another stressful thing to the table. the queen is working hard, renovated hank and is now beefing up the truck he bought recently. when we see each other, we're both very tired. this is draining, especially since we are still wanting to do things like go camping for may long weekend, but now that's harder to do. we exchange sharp words with what looks like increasing regularity. i realise this interaction reminds me of (all things!!) the dynamic my mom and i had when i was growing up: she had standards, i didn't always measure up, didn't do it her way, was told that.

i need to find a way to respond in a healthy way to these situations. the queen and i are equals in this relationship. this is easier to see for what is than when i was a child. i have moved forward in emotional development and communication skills. plus, i am choosing to be here. fuck, does choice make a difference in empowerment. that's why childhood sucks. i hope i remember that when the peanut is fifteen and the weight of the world lies on her shoulders, and she's surrounded by fallible family members who let her down.

i mine my emotions for content. i feel like i'm on a path. i think it's my path. right now, i'm trying to merely see it as clearly as i can, and walk.

May 23, 2011

bourbon, arrows and bikers

ahh, may long weekend. and it didn't even snow.

we went out to mr awesome's sister's place, a few hours east. she and her hubbyman proved the awesome moniker - they were awesome. they have a quarter-section with a couple of houses on it and some good plains n bushes. they have a one-year-old, three dogs and a cat or two (with outdoor cats, you never know for sure). we had a fire, chatted, drank too much bourbon n rum, and generally enjoyed ourselves. so much so that the next day was rather rough. well, we stayed up til the next day actually. jeezus.

two nights with the fine folks of awesome, then we headed out to a night at the farm. we were still in rather rough spirits, and the peanut, having been quite lovely for the duration of trekking around in hank (hank!) was also feeling crabby. most of the family had spent the weekend at the farm and were heading back, but there were still three brothers there; two with families, one with a ladyfriend. we chilled out for the evening, with the queen and his youngest brother shooting arrows (i shot a couple too, from the twenty yard line. i need some practice, but did manage to hit the target - a bale of hay with a bulls-eye spray-painted on it) and some mild refreshments happening.

the queen's brother came up with the idea of adults keeping the emotional motor functions of babies - bursting into tears at the least provocation, then totally fine again a minute later. can you imagine adults randomly freaking out? business meetings, family dinners... i like the mental image of sitting on one's ass in a grocery store aisle with a box of cheerios, just wailing.

now we're back at home - home for the next month or so! we got a new place in the next town over. it has way more room, is more baby-friendly and boasts a mancave for the queen. he really needs one - a place to put his guitars, his wood glue, his extra bottles of whatever vehicle liquid he is currently storing... i'm intrigued by the livingroom. it has a sunken-in area that would be good for new crawlers. there is also an apple tree in the front yard! yay! we move in the first of july. i'm excited to live in a town that doesn't have a dogfood factory, even if there are biker-looking dudes in the mobile home across the street. that just adds character to the neighbourhood, ya know?

anyway, as another parent put it, the long weekend are long when you're a parent. gotta run (trot, stumble, whatever).

May 17, 2011

girls gone wild

it seems that i blog while things are baking in the oven. today it's a crisp. or a crumble, if it comes out all crumbly. i found some rhubarb in the freezer, and i'm trying to thin out the forest of goods in there, so crumble/crisp it is. don't get the idea that i bake all day. i also complete such mentally stimulating activities as dishes, laundry and saying "what? what is it??" to crying grublets.

today the peanut spit up while i was burping her. she somehow managed to miss all my clothes but puke directly into my slipper. good times.

the queen got a job nearby, so "real life" has begun. we celebrated by sharing some gin and orange juice on his last day off. i managed to come off with only a mild hangover, but then, i was also in bed by ten.

it's interesting, being a stay-at-home mom. a mom, specifically, what with the stereotype and everything. those who know me know i'm not into reinforcing gender stereoptypes. but neither am i sworn off certain activities that i enjoy simply because they are "girly". i remember when i realised that it was okay to shave my legs as long as it was something i didn't feel pressured into doing.

so it's the two of us for most of the day (three if you count the cat, but very few do). we go crazy with all the home-stuff. today we mailed things! i know - sound the alarms. speaking of alarms, i think there should be a car horn that sounds like a crying baby. that would get people out of your way for sure.

May 12, 2011

blaggity blah blah

i've been mentally blogging all week, but of course this will sound like i just pulled it out of my ass while waiting for brownies to bake.

... fuck, i'm drawing a total blank. like that warp field that erases all the films you want to see from your memory, as soon as you enter the rental place (back in the day, when you used to rent films, at a physical location. remember that? dude, you are so old!).

we are looking for a new place to live. we visited a town nearby that has an actual lake, and thus a beach front and tourism. now i am jealous. when i lived in the city, tourism was lame, but now it means that something might be open past five pm (or even on a sunday! my gosh!). also, there's an indian restaurant. i could do that.

it was my first official mother's day as a recipient rather than just a giver. my folks came down, and the queen and my mom's husband cooked us steaks. they were yummy. the queen also came home with a lovely "plant".

him: i wanted to get you something green and living!
me (thinking): that looks just like those plants i see in restaurants, cool.
me, feeling the leaves: honey are you sure it's real?
him: ... nooooooo!!

thankfully, he had kept the receipt. great comic relief.

i read an interesting debate on fbook about the consumeristic, hallmark nature of mother's day. truthfully, i don't find it so in my life. i usually just got my mom some seeds for the garden, and made her a card. i think, in a way, that the consumerism nightmare argument doesn't work if you don't let it dictate your life. are the people in your life really going to be disappointed that you didn't buy them something? handmade things and thoughtful actions are pretty fantastic. and if we don't have enough time to do something nice one day (or five, or ten) out of the year, then isn't it more accurate to complain about our own damn lifestyles, rather than blame it on a holiday? it's odd, because i used to bitch about the consumerism and the resulting pressure at every holiday. but now i don't care.

which doesn't mean i don't stress over gift-giving; just not about buying shit. the queen's birthday is coming up. what do you get for the person who orders everything they want on the internet? handmade card, coming right up!

the brownie recipe (from this book, which i highly recommend for those gluten-free cooks who like slightly more complex recipes. also, not vegetarian, though offering some dairy-free options) called for a quarter cup hot coffee, so of course i made a wee french press and had a cup. now i am thinking i'll be up for hours, but truthfully i'll probably just make icing, read a bit from spadework (not finished, so not sure if i agree entirely with this review, but i am enjoying this one less than his others), and fall into a fitful sleep that will only start to feel restful shortly before the peanut stirs.

May 4, 2011

reasons i am sick

1. the pixies. it was a good concert though. i scored a ticket and a hot date - the queen's brother had to work so i went with his special lady friend, who is really fun. i was disappointed in the many lineups - it was an all-ages show, which necessitated beer gardens, bag searches and beefy security guards who could never find the grey-haired man lighting up doobies in the crowd. it sucks having to chug down an overpriced, lousy drink to get back to standing behind tall people, but we were at least on kim deal's side of the stage (she's so cute!) and they played "where is my mind?" which i am a sucker for (there's a great porn shot at the end of that video).

i am old, though. i wasn't feeling well (darn you, mr awesome, and your little virus, too!) and i kept yawning, and my feet hurt. welcome to old age/the world of not doing yoga. i should really do some yoga. at least i have swapped out my computer chair for one of those giant playroom balls. it's easier than i thought to sit on it. i think it's actually more comfortable than a chair. hmm. we've got civilization all wrong (again).

2. the farm. we went out because there were some siblings visiting. it's rather difficult to visit there without drinking. no one got drunk (at least not while i was there) but everyone drank socially. everyone. i guess i could have just had tea, but i'm still so happy i can engage in health-ruining activities with other adults that i refuse to pass up. so i didn't get any healthier that night, but i laughed a lot.

3. fucked-up schedule. the see-saw continues as we try and get the peanut on a schedule and she refuses. ah, random hour in the morning - it's been so long, almost 24hours, since we last met. you are as hazily beautiful as i remember.

4. the election. crap. long-term win, short-term loss. thanks, quebec. fuck you, alberta. now left-wing canadians want to move south.

5. stress. the queen and i are currently getting along more than we were a couple of posts ago, but we're both still tired, and we're becoming broke, and we're getting married this summer, and blah blah fucking blah. we'd rather be on a beach somewhere far away. i'm glad we didn't buy a house, because then we'd be cemented into one lifestyle, but at least then we would be able to work on our own home instead of staring glumly at this rotten rental (the cute built-in shelving has worn off, leaving bad wiring, a stained floor and a yard full of broken glass). we're both too exhausted to make full-capacity mental decisions, so we stare blankly, yawn, and throw around ideas like damp dishrags. i wonder how many good nights of sleep would repair us. i know one night isn't enough. is parenting a long-term illness? there are correlations...