July 31, 2009

notes will suffice

i really enjoyed this post from poetry of flesh. she's been adventuring into what sex means for her, and pulling apart some hefty strings that pull her from the inside, but here she stops to fully lambast the critics of sexual freedom for women. i love how she can bear her naked heart in one post, fully showing all of her vulnerability, and the next moment, bring forth the conscious commentary on sex & gender hypocrisy. i have no doubt she gets painted into one corner or another by people who can't handle her being both ends of the tender/logical spectrum. fantastic.

i, myself, am far too busy to make any indepth posts about love, relationships, sexuality or even politics (politics generally don,t take indepth posts to make points, but they do still require more than just skimming all the info sources in the five minutes available to me each day before i head off on my train of activity). volunteering at this awesome festival and trying vainly to work more hours at work as well as learning the assistant job is creating a schedule requiring serious discipline. since i generally am not the "cram self full of activities" type, this is interesting. also, first time i've bicycled in a couple of years, i decide to bicycle for hours every day. wow.

trying to remember to eat well and drink water, and get sleep. these are the moments self-care is vital. next week, as i'm enjoying iron & wine, i'll remember and be thankful.

July 26, 2009

giving in to a sense of self-importance

i'm sure random prattling is the best thing ever about blogs, so here's some of mine.

living two blocks off a major highway of iniquity, i am used to being entertained by incredible amounts of useless noise. nonetheless, the ridiculously close airplane (i think it almost hit a powerline) ten minutes ago had my heart pounding and the cat running in flat-out terror across the yard (away from the plane? not really, sweetie. nice try though). so i actually had a first, and called the city to register a noise complaint. i was told that they had a 'noise waiver' for whatever stupid commodity-laden festival currently going on across the river. awesome. a noise waiver. can i have one? we want to get really drunk tonight.

i wonder what one has to do in order to secure this get out of jail free card. justify your noise as fulfilling a deep need of city-dwellers? (we keep the riots at a minimum, your honour, through driving our bullshit, gas-eating, cool-looking bird-machines over your neighbourhoods.) maybe you get a noise waiver the old-fashioned way (tax-free donation to the rule-makers) or even as a throwback to tradition (this stupid gathering of noisiness has been occuring for sixty years! shit, maybe we should bring back beating our wives too, since we're so in love with tradition! mind you, we'd have to actually punish spousal abuse before we could let it become retro. otherwise, that's just tacky). anyway, i don't understand the concept of bylaws if you can get waivers for stupid reasons, even though i certainly justify regular jaywalking with the argument that crosswalks and traffic lights are for idiots and small children, not smart people like me.

ah, what a great self-masturbation session. i feel like i got rid of a bunch of otherwise useless spunk. excellent receptacle, the internet. no, i don't actually find my attitude comparable to sexism, why do you ask?

i'm whiling away the day dreaming of what i would do if i stopped whiling away the days dreaming of things to do. a book i finally finished reading told me to give myself an unquestionable pardon. for a brief moment, it was wonderful. like i'd been handed my own life at this point (here, she's thirty. see what you can do) and there were no expectations or holes to dig myself out of. now of course, the feeling has faded, and i've found some useless things to feel guilty about (not having sewn some summer pants even though it's almost august is a clear indication of how i will fail at everything for the rest of my life) instead of risking failure at things that matter more (such a sacrifice i make for my insecurities. hear that, insecurities? LOOK WHAT I GIVE YOU! ungrateful little mental offspring).

i am having fun feeding myself, and occasionally Special Friend (SF), with whom i had a fantastic, romantic time last night. i love how we own our time together, laughing occasionally about all the treacherous and dangerous paths of dishonesty laying around for less experienced lovers than we to trip upon, and agreeing that we are so much happier telling each other the truth, even when it's uncomfortable. of course, thus far, all the uncomfortable things have been relatively romantic. we aren't confessing that we fantasize about being blessedly alone for a day because we're still fantasizing about jetsetting with each other. won't it be fun to see how our honesty fares when the subjects become less shakespearean and more fawlty towers-esque. (secretly, i am actually looking forward to being boring with SF, since i think even this will be exciting. what's wrong with me?)

oh right, food. yeah, so i've been baking up apples with cheese and morning eggs, and dreaming up ways to fulfill my latest dietary/nutrition craze, which is to cut the processing steps in half. no more this-was-food-once-before-the-machines-got-to-it products. which means more chopping of vegetables. i think i'm up for it.

crazy labels
also, i am now officially a cat-lady. i dream of them, take care of them, and register noise complaints on their behalf. fortunately, SF sees some kind of nurturing side in this, and neither gets jealous nor makes fun of me. he even tries, albeit warily, to befriend my cat, who has of course recognized her nemesis (for attention) in him. she is willing to be bribed though, like most cats. somehow they don't let being bribed affect their sense of honour. must research.

July 24, 2009

goes fishing, brings back a change of underwear

i just used the i ching for the first time in a while. the thoughts that came to me throughout the thirty minute process were quite helpful. the reading itself was less clear. i was wondering how best to proceed in the coming months, feeling like i am at a crossroads of sorts and need to get into gear. my intuition gave me a bulleted list (okay, my intuition gave me whatever, and my mind summed it up in a neatly bulleted list).
  • prophetic help from the universe
  • reasonable expectations
  • taking care of oneself
  • relaxation
  • practicing fears and responses
  • keeping a clear mind
  • focusing
the reading implied that the foundation i have built for myself is less sturdy than i imagine it to be, and that i should get some advice from an elder about how best to make amends for my sloppy carpentry. it then goes on to cheerfully (if the i ching can be said to be cheerful, which isn't in the top 100 adjectives most often used to describe it) state that the harmony between my superior and inferior selves can be reinstated through giving the situation all the effort and imagination i can, as long as that effort and imagination is based in virtue and goodness. also; think small and court balance.

great. we'll be putting away the party tools right about now. steel-toed resolve, anyone?
i have a fear of becoming a boring person. let's test that fear! let's be all granola and even keel, and see if we succeed in freezing our brains off with boredom! or, even worse, failing to be boring and just being lame!

yeah. um ... bring it on. gee, i've been craving this. (actually, i probably have.)

July 18, 2009

open the arms wide


savaging the wilds of late nights and early mornings. working. volunteering. dates. friendships. healing from an illness. walking. dancing. live comedy. reading. playing with children. everything but sleep.

it's been lovely. but so is sleep.

when i started this entry, it was storming. when the lightning really started coming down, i unplugged the computer because i've heard that power surges are bad and can fry your laptop (possibly an urban myth designed to fool luddites like myself). then the power went out, and i was glad i had done so.

i love how the line was immediately drawn for me; what one can do with power, what one does when there is no power. it was peaceful. it simplified my life enormously. read, play your own damn music instead of someone else's, create art, interact with your immediate surroundings, go to bed. (of course, given my state of mind, after connecting with neighbours and supplying children with flashlights, i went to bed. incidental cheer for headlamp inserted here.)

i feel out of sorts. my priorities are rearranging themselves, my activities are changing. what i do when i have twenty extra minutes is different now. i have different routines, desires, i've engaged in so much newness in the past two months, my sense of control is blasted wide open. who knows what this is like when i've stopped comparing it to anything? i love the sense of freedom from the past, but i sort of miss the rumination.

at work yesterday, someone decribed the edge of my energy field as they felt it. they said mine is larger than most, and demonstrated being just outside it, then inserting their arm. and i did feel differently as this happened, though who knows why. since i was aware he was doing this, it could have been a personal reaction to him, or following the idea that i want to think i have an energy field so large and so sensitive.

it's fun, but a bit absurdist to test one's reality now that we're even slightly aware of the power of the human mind to imagine things. i was chatting with Special Friend about dreams, and we got onto the things in dreams that don't come through. we can't read. digital clocks are screwy. what does this tell us about our unconscious? that our unconscious doesn't care about these, or doesn't speak the languages? that these are very much outside of us, and only influence us when we're awake? it's not numbers that are being ignored, i think. or even time. it's the system of communication. why write it down when our unconscious can just create the experience directly?

sure does make everything suspect though. "pinch me, am i dreaming?"

we're really not sure.

July 12, 2009

precious lost time

enjoying the weekend sincerely, even as i battle a chestcold. me and my army of garlic are on the prowl. (my army of garlic includes lemon, ginger, cayenne, and nin jiom, which is available at your local chinese herbalist's as well as the corporate whore megastore further down the road of sin.)

it's my current belief that if i drag myself out to a few activities, i can then feel healthy about hiding away in my princess cubbyhole for the rest of the weekend. the market was a bit hellish, truthfully, but the pro-wrestling show was far more fun than i had been expecting. who wouldn't love a bunch of men acting out play-fights? this is better than sports! cooler costumes, plotlines, more rule-breaking... and just as many crazy fans. plus i have new respect for people who work the spotlight at a show. it requires concentration to point the big arrow everywhere. that's a lot of influence.

i've spent the rest of the weekend crafting out a double-cd for a special friend (yes, the same special friend. it seems i'm developing a steady special friend. what can i say except "wow, i don't know what to say"). it's based off one mood playlist (i thought of tender, but then i'd have nothing for later, right? so i chose 'yearning') and one theme playlist (the nature of time).

in the previous paragraph, the amount of words in parentheses is almost double the amount of words outside parentheses. brought to you by Things Probably Only Three Other People in the World Care About.

i don't know if i've yaddered about the themes and moods in my inner playlist land. mood playlists are about pouring an emotion/energetic state out through musical choices. themes are more of a mindgame; trying to weave coherence through a random collection of songs whose titles or content refer to a particular concept or object (from answering machines and children to minimalism and sound).

all in all, sunday not over yet, the verdict is one of the more fulfilling weekends in a while. odd how there isn't ever a recipe, the same ingredients cook up different every time. well, that's love (thank you ms winterson - the quote i refer to isn't at the end of this link, but there are other lovelies to whisper and ponder and stumble upon).

July 10, 2009

the prize isn't about winning

listening to roots manuva. "nobody's dancing the way they used to dance," he sings. it reminds me of dj shadow's proclamation about why hip hop sucked in the '90s: "it's the MONEY!"

watching community evolve, reach a critical point. where the strings that connect us are so plentiful that they eclipse the individuals. i can't see you past all of our common points of contact. and the events we gather together at have become so complex, spinning forth so many satellite desires (let's have a this-pod! a that-pod! a pod for when i get up in the middle of the night and have to pee and don't want to go back to bed), and the work required to do them is inversely proportional to the number of people who aren't burnt out and are willing and able to build, lead, follow, work together.

talking with an old friend, how we've seen this evolution three times now over the last six years in the group we gather with. however it manifests this time, i am potentially interested in seeing if anything sustainable for a longer-term community has emerged through all these reinventions.

two things to note: one, that people are seriously pro-creating, so anything we want to build longer-term would stand a much better chance if it was amenable to small children. shoot, i forgot what the second thing was. probably about how we need to remember things so we don't have to reinvent the wheel. oh yeah! it was that we have been successful: we have helped nurture the community skills of so many. i've watched people's mental health stabilize because they feel supported enough to make that journey back through the darkest parts of themselves. i've watched couples break up and both people stay involved and feel welcome in the community (maybe not each individual moment, but in the long haul). i've watched people approach the precipice of drug addiction and move back, shaken, into the arms of people they love. i've seen some grasp an awareness of their skills, bring them to the larger group and grow in strength and confidence.

we aren't home-free in the land of ease, but then, we don't want that. what we do want is more difficult to predict. i would rather let the group speak for itself in a chorus of disagreement and challenge, and see what happens.

July 6, 2009

re-visiting old haunts

i was gifted a link to an awesomely juicy and freedom-affirming blog of a woman who engages willingly and intelligently in casual sex. her mind and attitude resonate for me on a level of curiosity and openness. it seems like the reader can watch her sense of discernment grow, but not into a strict dichotomy of good and bad; the wealth of her experiences teach her about herself and her preferences as well as the interpersonal smorgasbord of 'what's out there'.

i've also checked back in with non-violent communication's sets of needs and emotions (scroll down), because i was having trouble figuring out what need i was meeting with a certain action. i start with an emotion, and then trace it back to a need usually, but this time one set of needs stuck out for me (the autonomy set, this time more specifically freedom, space and spontaneity). when i checked out the emotions that accompanied an experience of my needs being met, i identified with rejuvenated and renewed, as well as, to a lesser degree, empowered.

the reason i wanted to trace the action back to see what need it was meeting is that it's a potentially volatile action, and these types can often be sourced in a paranoia or delusion as opposed to honest expression of needs. and really, i'm sure there's a mix in there. i think i am also acting in this way to maintain space between myself and another person specifically. a person with whom i also actively try and spend time with. because being human isn't interesting enough, apparently now i must be human while falling in love. great. bring out the clowns.

in connection with all this, i've tried to lend this book to a special friend, only to discover mine's been out on the road for some time and requires tracking down. i could do with a re-read myself. experience has drawbacks in that one tends to think knowledge defies the likeliness of mistakes. over here in shared-experience land, experts fuck up just like the rest of us.

come forth with humility. know what preciousness we are risking with all this activity. act slowly and with integrity. factor in the unexpected (i love actually trying to do this).

stay to see the results.