garbled

i have two letters planned, and i find myself lurking on social websites instead. had a chat with a friend in another province who didn't make it in to the memorial. i seem to be connecting more with people who are further away.

sometimes down time lends itself to good. other times, just cute things and weird stuff, but not real process.

a new day now. trying to put my grief into action. i need to garden, but i'm resisting. like washing the dishes is therapy, when it isn't. i'm still hiding.

but i have to blog. because i want the pigeon mistress to see this comic. this whole blog may exist merely as a vehicle for secret messages to her. the entries before we met could be fiction, establishing me as a random, one-time co-worker so she would not suspect. creeped out yet? ha ha. sigh.

no, it's just another way to avoid writing about what i need to write about.

today i tried to do the daily stuff. i even mowed some lawn. i also wrote and mailed one of the two letters. it was a challenge to write, but it loosened the weight.

the dumpling is feeling better, so it's easier to say bright and cheerful things. sometimes that works for the inside too. not so much today.

tomorrow, i garden. i want to be exhausted at night.