April 20, 2009


some self-exploration struck me last night: started reading this great gaia book i received from a mystery book-sharer, finally paid attention to the meyers-briggs personality test and found this crazy site devoted to my type (the empathic one. gee, who'da thunk it?) and finally delved into process-oriented psychology, coined by these fine folks.

they're really lovely. who else puts sesame street videos (scroll down) on their site to help explain things?

the website, on the other hand, is a bit goofy. but goofy is handy too. apparently, we INFJs take ourselves too seriously.

in the light of day, i note how dark and deep my perspective can become. and i am grateful to have persevered at self-development enough to be around some wonderfully smart people i know.

April 18, 2009

perspective and choice, yet again

today' s gratitude: hmm, for slipping off my intended healing path? or for the awareness that i've done so.

what was the intention behind these less than harmonious choices? well... they were made quickly in moments when i became aware of a need that had not been met and was now "overdue". so if i endeavour to meet every need on time, i can avoid the stressful situations where i make do with a fast, less effective and sometimes harmful choice.

and these needs, they aren't a surprise. eating, sleeping, moving and touching. when i do not listen to the yearning for shelter or nourishment, i do so because i have prioritized doing something else. i have placed more importance (sometimes temporary but sometimes permanent) on an external project or mode (a physical goal or an emotional habit) than on my own well-being.

sometimes i also get tired of taking care of myself. bleah. more raw food and exercise. yum. but this is an opinion. it could just as easily be "bleah. more candy and sitting around on the computer."

April 14, 2009


i feel a light that i didn't feel before. lighter. lightening the dark weighty particles, lighting up into waves of sweet allowance, swaying and brightening the space.

the sun shines, warming columns of energy through my spine, following the lines of my body, flowing and flowering. lowering the resistance of winter, allowing rich, loamy soil to seep into my throat, my skin, my scalp. i agree with my breath, just for today.

i sing to my seeds as i play.

April 7, 2009

rock the boat, get wet

a friend of mine posted this link to a beautiful music video of imogen heap. it inspired me. other aspects of recent life that have inspired me include walks across bridges, noticing that the big-ass puddles are becoming the exception to the rule, obtaining a venue for a show i was starting to sweat about, and making an appointment to go see a naturopath.

i like how spring brings me to a place where i will try new things. i am so tired of hiding away from winter. i want to expand again. i think i want to go back to school. it's interesting, because it wasn't until i realised that if i were to look back on my life and not have developed my counselling skills it would feel like i was avoiding them, that i really wanted to go back. somehow that thought convinced me it wasn't a waste of time.

still on the mellow detox lifetsyle; finally did some yoga today after falling into an avoidance pattern for over a week. enjoying the lemon water every morning. my body feels heavy, but a softer heavy than before. drained, but not at war. still, noticing the influence the shame has on me. the only reason i can think of that convinces me to avoid something as sweet and freeing as yoga is the feeling that i don't deserve to feel this happy, this healthy. that i'm going to get in trouble for wasting my time. i feel as though i'm looking for the tool to crack that lie. and in the mean time, doing as many things as i feel i can that are healthy and kind to myself.

April 4, 2009

grace and machinery

i definitely fell off my detox wagon last week and it took almost an entire week to regain the feeling of honest equilibrium; the sensation of living in my body, not a storm.

sake and junk food aren't what i want. and that's the nice thing, is that i am following my own desires, if not all of them. i actually want to put fresh vegetables and fruit in my body. i miss the ability to engage in the snack world, but then i have some dark chocolate and all feels well again.

i know i am still coddling myself a bit; not making myself do what i don't want to do. but i remind myself that my standards are inordinately high; i am organizing an art show, sitting on a board of directors (and being active on it), keeping a job and detoxing. so what if i sit around in the evenings and watch the l word? so what if i've been slacking on reading?

then i remember that many of my activities are still in lieu of what i would actually be doing if i felt free enough to move toward those things. i hold a moment of grief for how long i have kept myself in chains. i reaffirm each freeing moment. and i get up and do something incredibly kind for myself. a bath, some tea, a deep belly laugh.

and i know that i am kind enough to trust myself.