September 23, 2010

try to turn the flailing into a backstroke

man, am i flailing. i was just congratulating myself yesterday on having it all together, so of course today i'm a mess.

last day at work after little sleep. i hadn't really emotionally prepared myself to be unemployed. i feel at loose ends, without foundation or walls, floating, but not in a free way; more like an aimless way. it's not the fanciest job, but i had found a niche at the bookstore: i was comfortable there. they listened to my ideas, let me try things, it was lovely. and now i am unemployed. what the hell. i guess i let go.

haven't seen the queen all week, and it feels harder. i am sure the lack of sleep contributes, not to mention the whole fetus thing we've got going on (where'd the other duck go, damnit, i've been warming these eggs for days and i really want a swim), but i just feel all weepy and wanting to cleave (etymology 2) to him. cleaving desires: still hard to get used to. it's tempting to label this cleaving thing as good or bad, but i am going to try and just notice it.

i am dropping off my last report for the non-profit i quit tomorrow, and signing something that will get me off signing authority with the last bank. i realized today how bitter i became at the end of this year. there is just nothing like something you didn't want to do in the first place getting progressively more difficult and frustrating. i really lost it - my exit interview is bristling with rage. it totally sucks that i couldn't see that when i was completing it. i feel like i let myself down this year - i should have said no. i should not have rejoined.

even though almost the entire board left (not for any dramatic reasons, it just happened that way), it was a terrible thing for me to stay on. i think it distinctly possible that they would have found someone who would have done a better job than i did, even without two years experience on the board. it sucks to recognize how badly i have done at something. we don't have "final exams" as adults and it's easy to convince yourself you're doing reasonably well at everything. i didn't lack in skills, i lacked in interest. and there was no one to motivate me, because i was supposed to be the motivator.

in theory, it was going to be an easy year. in reality, it was full of change. i mean FULL. i won't get into it here, but it was almost comical how many things, core things, changed abruptly within this past year. i signed on for an easy year, which was thoughtless of me: i did not weigh out what it meant to lead the board of this organization. and i was resentful when things started going sideways, when i had to take the reins. i may not have made any huge errors (we got our paperwork in, we survived the casino, the fundraiser raised some money, we moved offices, we did annual reviews, completed all of our shows, we didn't break any laws and we've got money in the bank) but i did a lousy job. because now that it's over, i realized i avoided it the whole time.

sigh. hindsight. so fucking helpful.

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