May 23, 2009

turning the corner

i've been sleeping unashamedly. last night the roommates were all out having a fire and i was crashed out in my sweet bed, dreaming of office supplies and men.

i'm letting go of my job, and jobs in general. after a long time out of school and making fun of educational "institutions" (read: businesses), i feel drawn enough to a path that i will be investing thousands into their piece of paper that says i am legitimately organic. oh, the investments we make. because i flaunted my not-for-school attitude for so long, i now have to start at the bottom of the tree. trunks are fun, oh yes. just get me up the damn thing so i can play in the branches. hunker down time.

my roommate and i are also talking of moving our prairie butts back to the mountains, where we had met. but a smaller town this time. she's tired of the snow, and i'm tired of the grey monolith of an environment. since i'm taking distance learning for the first few years, i'm open, but i am already wondering where to take my masters. it's lovely that after a roadtrip, when i'm wondering if i really want to stay here, my 'wife' is also querying the wisdom of this city for our home and family. it's gratifying to feel once again our synergy on such matters.

have checked in with my own sense of naiveté again. it's the thing about me that i have little influence over. the unending trust i supply to strangers who smile at me is kind of incredible, and if it wasn't coupled with a sense of intuition, i'm not sure how long i'd survive in this life. being on the road, meeting people out of my own context of friends and achievements has been interesting. my enthusiasm gets mistaken for something else. my tenderness can be held against me. i was let down that some folks weren't more willing to participate in co-creation. i certainly came back with more appreciation for my friend group. at first, i was disappointed that i didn't peg people's personalities right off the bat, but now i have moved to a place of just learning from it. i'm not psychic, after all. that's a different skill base. the disappointment was not my fault. take that, mean little self-blaming ego.

habits are strong, but my desire to grow is stronger yet. as i edge into the unknown, i am reminded of how tiny i am. tiny spark in the waves, nourish thy self.

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