tragic-land and back again

tings is lively. i appreciate this, as i live with more attention in lively times. of course, despite the liveliness and actual activities, you will hear about the books i've been reading.

finally finished the gaia book i first mentioned here. reading a zillion other books and about to start three more. in moods like this one, the most interesting point is what i am not reading. these include the yoga book (which i finished but keep around to look up asanas and sequences. haven't touched it in weeks) and david suzuki goes to japan, which seems too lovely for me right now. i need lengthy blah blah blahs, not concise and hopeful accounts of adventures somewhere fascinating i too, could visit, if i only got up off my ass.

was journaling last night about an odd lack of purpose and meaning in my life right now. since i was fourteen, my purpose existed, whatever it was and however it changed. self-improvement, empowerment, the practice of liberation, the cosmic wave of being, learning my environment, resolving past traumas... what now? all of these seem to be mixing together. none of them could ever be a finished project. the idea of purpose quickly becomes illusive, a creation of my own mind. yet i move on.

i wonder how my motivation works. i think i could benefit more from nurturing my emotional state toward one of achievement. the whiny 'that's dumb' voice is educating itself. its manipulation to convince me of the uselessness in nurturing myself can be hindered. most easily by simply picking up and doing the opposite: encouraging myself.

it's like there is a battle between superheroes going on, inside my brain, all the time. like my four-year-old friend, the names of the heroes change all the time but the storyline is ancient. what would happen if good and bad were to finally agree? the big bang would turn out to have been a mild mis-communication between archetypes. the world as we know it would end (and, douglas adams posits, be replaced by something even more inexplicable and bizarre).