December 8, 2011

exorcised nightmares

okay, here it is:

it's really hard to be a stay-at-home parent for the same reason it's difficult to be a stay-at-home, DIY anything: motivation rests solely on one's own shoulders. in a slump? no one will notice except you (especially if you're good at faking it). no one will beat it out of you, challenge you to better yourself, or come to the rescue.

however, it is really awesome in that YOU choose the course, you choose how things play out. and i have needed that for a long time. i have a strong tendency to blame authority figures for my misery, and i have made the queen out to be my authority figure, when in fact he is just the only other adult in this household. yeah yeah, he's a man, but that doesn't make him The Man. i am my own boss and i always have been, as everyone who knows me will laughingly attest.

so i finally finished a painting (or at least took it off the easel and hung it up). and i am finally figuring out a rhythm - coffee breaks come with a workday, so there is both work and coffee in my day but the order they come in is of my choosing (well, allowing for things like business hours of the post office and family time with the queen - today we danced with the dumpling to this awesome wagonchrist song). it doesn't matter how it looks to other people, it doesn't matter if it's weird, it just matters that i feel the balance works for me and my family (because if it worked for me and not my family, that would be sad - shared space needs to be respectful for all parties), that i find some peace in my day.

okay. there it is. i'm living the dream. thank you.

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