January 14, 2011

both of us can turn

ah, winter. the bottle of something-or-other that i've been looking at out the window to gauge the amount of snow was completely buried this morning.

that's a decent analogy for my emotional state right now. i keep doing these breech exercises and the little dolphin keeps turning, but only from side to side; turning, not flipping. meanwhile, i feel all stretched and awkward. between the weather (which complaining about will net me a barrage of more northern alberta comments; they're colder than us) and the hopefully-not-pointless, every-few-hours exercises, i do not feel like visiting anyone, getting any groceries, or doing any dishes. i am not sure what exactly i feel like. getting drunk maybe, or rolling around in green grass. things that are not an option, though this webcomic reminds me (sort of) that someday i will be able to do these things.

in the meantime, do the things i can, i guess. bake muffins, go to the pool. maybe things i can walk to, because the roads must be terrible today. ah, terrible roads. at least we aren't moving in weather like this. texas across the street is moving (we've named the house texas because of its red white & blue theme, complete with stars. lone stars.) and i feel compassion for them. snowing makes everything except baking and cuddling more difficult. pregnancy makes cuddling more difficult. i finally started to dream that i was pregnant (my belly was getting in the way and i was talking about my midwife to someone). maybe that's some kind of good emotional sign for flipping the dolphin.

i have begun to cozy up the room i want to birth in. hanging woolen blankets and moving birthing supplies and our seven(?!) newborn baby hats into it. making it mine, making it smaller and more inviting. acting as if.

is it bad to drink two cups of coffee today? not every day, apparently, but since i won't be running for a bus today (walking to the pool will have to do) then i am going to just use the same grounds in the espresso machine to brew a second cup. i don't drink it every day. and i don't want the energy, i want the smell. fuck decaf, btw. it does not smell the same. on the bus trip i was getting half-caf latt├ęs and they tasted half as yummy.

okay. so we've deduced that since we can't do what we want to do, we will do what we can. i think this is strength - the kind of strength that makes lions lay down. closely related to fortitude, this is my favourite comment on the post i made on schmacebook regarding the breechy mcbreecherson: "what a kick in the ass! I really hope baby turns for you and you can have the experience you are wanting. Whatever happens though, make sure you own your delivery, even a c section; it is your journey, unlike anyone else's. Sending you baby turning vibes."

right on. my journey. hey, all the exercises are good for me anyway.

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