April 7, 2009

rock the boat, get wet

a friend of mine posted this link to a beautiful music video of imogen heap. it inspired me. other aspects of recent life that have inspired me include walks across bridges, noticing that the big-ass puddles are becoming the exception to the rule, obtaining a venue for a show i was starting to sweat about, and making an appointment to go see a naturopath.

i like how spring brings me to a place where i will try new things. i am so tired of hiding away from winter. i want to expand again. i think i want to go back to school. it's interesting, because it wasn't until i realised that if i were to look back on my life and not have developed my counselling skills it would feel like i was avoiding them, that i really wanted to go back. somehow that thought convinced me it wasn't a waste of time.

still on the mellow detox lifetsyle; finally did some yoga today after falling into an avoidance pattern for over a week. enjoying the lemon water every morning. my body feels heavy, but a softer heavy than before. drained, but not at war. still, noticing the influence the shame has on me. the only reason i can think of that convinces me to avoid something as sweet and freeing as yoga is the feeling that i don't deserve to feel this happy, this healthy. that i'm going to get in trouble for wasting my time. i feel as though i'm looking for the tool to crack that lie. and in the mean time, doing as many things as i feel i can that are healthy and kind to myself.

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