January 22, 2009

young grasshopper or elder-in-training?

having spent the last nine years, since my dad died, avoiding the deeper meaning in my life; i've been all a-search, but in reality, using the search mechanism to avoid myself. i have a sensitivity, and i need to manage it. like some folks have a great sense of smell, i have a great sense of emotion. i can honestly feel what other people are feeling, much of the time.

i generally just use this sense to feel out my environment for my own benefit, and to help my friends and occasionally other people understand the world and themselves. however, i've avoided any occasion to learn how to manage those abilities or train myself further, preferring to daydream and use my other skills to survive. it's generally safer not to let on that i'm a bit of an emotional barometer. people balk, joke, sneer, fear.

however, the intensity just kept on ramping up. first i gave up the festivals, parties are rare, anywhere there are groups of people is tough. and i live in a city. i'm tired of my opinion being swayed inevitably when i'm around someone who feels really strong about something (eventually, it's just easier to agree, even if i don't actually want what they want). i'm tired of feeling like it's the biggest deal just to walk through the farmer's market, due to the inevitable deflecting of the swirls of thoughts and emotions of others. it's like there are that many people talking in my head. it sucks. though it was worse when i thought those thoughts were all mine and i was schizophrenic.

and even though i've learned to identify others' emotions as separate from my own, i still need to be able to turn it off. so that i can go outside. so that i can travel. so that i can have sex with someone and not freak right out over the intensity of their emotions. so that i can choose proactively what i want in my life, not defensively.

so that's what i'm practicing. because it has the ability to fuck with every part of my life. and because it's part of why i'm here.

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