June 6, 2009

potential is always there, never here.

listening to the curious wanderings of dj shadow, kept up by coffee (so worth it). entranced in playlists, moving through itunes like it's a series of funneled webs, no wait - treehouse platforms. and i'm hopping, swinging from artist-vines, dropping gems for friends, moods and themes. riding the genre train, skipping over to new tracks, back to old favourites, mixing, matching.

it's a simpler world to live in than my own. putting aside large projects, i'm left with even larger ones. i feel myself trying to dig my head into the sand (re-reading the dune series is a great distraction. i like how i rationalize my distractions as educational. well yes, but they still aren't the activities you internally committed yourself to, are they?) and nothing changes except it gets later. and my shoulders get tighter.

action can be difficult. i guess facing the fear is the thing to do. the fear is ... (drum roll please) wrecking the canvas? i still fear there is a wrong way to live my life. i don't understand this fear, because i also go out of my way to live life by my own rules and values. so what is there left to fear? somewhere in me, have i not faced the particular face of authority that seriously terrifies me? hmmm.

the world is teasing me with loveliness. i'm not sure if the loveliness is distracting me or enticing me further onto the path i have chosen and now resist. this is where my ambivalence is sourced, i think. i can feel the pull, but i'm not sure how to negotiate it. sometimes these pulls suck a person right out into the middle of the ocean. other times, they draw one forth on a river adventure. should i be swimming, i wonder? did i leave the camp stove on? i tread water nervously.

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