the league of notions

okay.

i feel tired. for a while when i got back from the hospital, the queen was still doing the brunt of the parenting tasks. as i got better, he has been able to do things like work on vehicles, look for a job, etc. i have been doing more of the housework (i follow the rule that the person with the highest standards should probably do the work - otherwise, no one is happy. and i have secretly always wanted to run a household. it pleases me to know when the walls were last washed, it really does.) and taking on more of the peanut's care. of course, i can still feel my body healing from whatever it's healing from. and then i want to have fun again, when i can - the awesomes are visiting, and i want to drink some wine and stay up late.

so i feel tired because of all these things, and i also feel tired because my sleep has been interrupted consistently for weeks now. people have remarked how well i look, considering. right now, i look like they expect - face tear-streaked, eyes red, shoulders slumped, defeated, yet with a gleam of wildness. this wildness is because the peanut will wake - she always does, thank goddess - and it will begin again. in this interim, do i choose food, sleep, social activities or soul activities? if i spend too long deciding, i get nothing.

i probably blogged this already, but sleep-deprived parents get recycling privileges: when i told my mom i was pregnant, she told me to be nice to the queen. i get that now. it's really easy to see this partner in crime as my enemy. he has faults and i pay for them. he forgets a smelly diaper, i find it. he is short-tempered, i get the shitty end of that. pro-create in haste, study your partner in leisure. i know we both have moments where we wonder what fate has in store for us.

right now, he is upstairs with the awesomes; they are playing songs, learning them together. it sounds like the times i always wanted to have. and i am sitting down here crying, because even though he apologized (and he meant it) i still feel the emotions our recent encounters have brought up. he apologizes, he feels better. he is tired and frustrated, he sings with his friends to let that go. i wish i could do the same right now.

he acknowledged that we are in this together. he relies on me, so shitting on me because he is stressed out is a bad move. it's good to hear that he gets it too.

i think i need to go for a walk.