things i think of at five in the morning

we've been visiting (most notably with the awesomes) and i've noticed how children huddle around the peanut like she's a shining pot of gold or something. i was never that kid - i was totally indifferent (bordering on slightly nervous) when it came to drooling little droolmasters. does this make me less maternal? who cares!

of course, now i have to trust my baby with all these eager kidlets, some of whom just like to tell you they know to support a baby's waify little neck. well let me tell you kids - IT'S NOT LIKE YOUR DOLLS. okay. right.

at the farm for easter, the queen's dad was playing the card game "go fish" with myself, the queen, a niece and a nephew. there's some kind of family tradition where he loses everytime, yet calls himself the best player. i sat next to him and caught on to his method: he stockpiles all his pairs instead of laying them down, so that he is more likely to have whatever card the kids ask him for. scam! i'm onto you, grandpa queen. i used to play "go fish" with my mom's friend, and there was one memorable incident (i think i was in the five to seven region).

him: do you have a five?
me: yes (grudgingly hands it over)
him: thanks! (puts it in his hand) your turn!
me: wait! you have to put your pair down!
him: what pair?
me: your pair of fives!
him: i don't have a pair of fives.
me: well why did you ask me for a five then??!! (quite upset by this point)
him: well if i had a five, what would i want with your five?

touché.

when the awesomes were here this week, we drove over to a local dam with some decent (for prairie province) cliffs. the wind was too cool to have the picnic we had hastily planned, but we did get to chase some geese off the road on the way there (by 'chase' i mean stop until they got up from THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD where they were sitting, and lazily flew away).

two irrational fears i have: meningitis and baby theft. look, she's really cute, okay? but the meningitis thing i think i can start deprogramming myself on. for some reason, i listened to folklore that suggested the symptoms were flu-like, then a stiff neck, then ON THE THIRD DAY YOU'RE DEAD. but as it turns out, symptoms are somewhat serious enough that a person would notice.

oh good.

the league of notions

okay.

i feel tired. for a while when i got back from the hospital, the queen was still doing the brunt of the parenting tasks. as i got better, he has been able to do things like work on vehicles, look for a job, etc. i have been doing more of the housework (i follow the rule that the person with the highest standards should probably do the work - otherwise, no one is happy. and i have secretly always wanted to run a household. it pleases me to know when the walls were last washed, it really does.) and taking on more of the peanut's care. of course, i can still feel my body healing from whatever it's healing from. and then i want to have fun again, when i can - the awesomes are visiting, and i want to drink some wine and stay up late.

so i feel tired because of all these things, and i also feel tired because my sleep has been interrupted consistently for weeks now. people have remarked how well i look, considering. right now, i look like they expect - face tear-streaked, eyes red, shoulders slumped, defeated, yet with a gleam of wildness. this wildness is because the peanut will wake - she always does, thank goddess - and it will begin again. in this interim, do i choose food, sleep, social activities or soul activities? if i spend too long deciding, i get nothing.

i probably blogged this already, but sleep-deprived parents get recycling privileges: when i told my mom i was pregnant, she told me to be nice to the queen. i get that now. it's really easy to see this partner in crime as my enemy. he has faults and i pay for them. he forgets a smelly diaper, i find it. he is short-tempered, i get the shitty end of that. pro-create in haste, study your partner in leisure. i know we both have moments where we wonder what fate has in store for us.

right now, he is upstairs with the awesomes; they are playing songs, learning them together. it sounds like the times i always wanted to have. and i am sitting down here crying, because even though he apologized (and he meant it) i still feel the emotions our recent encounters have brought up. he apologizes, he feels better. he is tired and frustrated, he sings with his friends to let that go. i wish i could do the same right now.

he acknowledged that we are in this together. he relies on me, so shitting on me because he is stressed out is a bad move. it's good to hear that he gets it too.

i think i need to go for a walk.

what's that beeping?

oh gee whiz. what a great family photo.

also! i have found the picture that describes that state i (and maybe you too) get into where/when i just get caught up in doing it and forget what it is, or to keep track of its context. that is a great webcomic, that ol' hyperbole and a half (thanks, carrot vixen).

i had one of those days that got sucked up by child and house. circles, go.

have moved onto a whole new set of onesies, discarding a pile of tiny clothe for some that can only just be categorized as 'small'. this may have been the highlight of my day until i read the new hyperbole comic, just now. or maybe it was the salmon salad on toast i had today. the turmeric taste was really coming into its own. ah, second-day food - how your taste is richer.

i am definitely boring. the queen is going to bed and i think i'll join him. the peanut is already down. good night.

title? i don't have time for titles...

ahgfzk.

the queen and i are very adept at figuring out whose turn it is to get up with the peanut; "it's so your turn. i've been up for hours." sigh. she was sleeping a lot and for admirable lengths of time, so of course we jinxed ourselves by bragging about it. now we're hooped by her frequent awakenings during our favourite sleeping hours - four to nine am. cheers! i salute you, baby, with bailey's in my coffee. would you like some in your bottle? take the edge off? no? too bad... someone should make a facebook test: what will be your baby's favourite drink? ha ha. ugh. please don't drink straight vodka, that's all i ask.

it seems that by springing off some offspring, we have reinvited ourselves to all family holidays. thus, easter is once again a 'big deal'. friday at my folks' place (huge extenda-family gathering) and sunday at the farm, which leaves saturday to maybe drop in on the wife, since the wife's mom is visiting. another crazy weekend.

we just got back from the city, where once again, i felt rushed and didn't enjoy myself as much as i wanted to. but it was way, way better than it's been; the wife let us stay at her place, and then took off for most of the weekend - that woman way deserved a break from her life, and looked refreshed upon return. we also got a good brunch in with some pregnant friends - mr and mz glow (they glowed before they got knocked up, but they definitely glow now. their baby will probably glow in the dark). they visited me in the hospital - mr glow researched hemoglobin-enriching foods and brought down a small carload of food for me, and mz glow gave me some reiki. lovely couple, excited to see them breeding!

can't remember the last time i went to a queer-friendly night at a club or checked out an angsty poetry night - my life is quite hetero-normative now. also, the queen cut his hair and bought a truck, and we both wear cowboy boots; we really are living the smalltown prairie life, and need a bumpersticker that says "my other car is a gun" to complete the picture. only here and in texas, my friends...

i am noticing the crankiness setting in (in me). parenting a tiny baby, when it's not absolutely fascinating, can be somewhat boring. they ask a lot and give back cute little noises and some faeces. gee, thanks.

i think i have a life, hold on, it's under a onesie that got peed on... just a sec here...

disjointed thoughts? no, i haven't noticed that... must go read some anaïs nin while i can...

peanut update

ah yes, the child.

curently growing out of onesies while remaining paradoxically tiny. exciting signs of evolution include frequent smiling, the beginnings of pouts and reproachful looks, more food intake and longer sleeps at night (sometimes). now outweighs the cat.

also, she makes noises. i didn't realise there was a difference between "goo" and "bbbthff". she has evolved to the former. it's very exciting because she has this shy, "are we conversing? is this right? hi there, come here often?" sort of look while she tries out her new sounds.

this love is terrifying.
i love her so much i grit my teeth smiling;
perma-grin.

this love is ferocious.
i growl and shelter her with my body
from the least noise.

this love is new.
i love her without a first date,
or any testing.

layers of bacon

just got back from peanut's first road trip - out to visit the awesomes.

mr awesome has been working at the butcher's shop, and brings home amazingly fresh, amazingly local meat. the logical outcome to this is us eating bacon every day. one day we ate it twice. although it was very tasty, i think i might skip bacon for a few days now. we discussed making a bacon cake: start with meatloaf, but make an icing with bacon grease and maple syrup. of course, layers of bacon in the loaf are also called for.

a little bird was visiting the awesomes, so everything that came out of the kitchen was lovely and amazing, not just the bacon (can you really call bacon 'lovely' anyway? "that was some lovely bacon. i really don't remember the last time i had bacon so lovely." not so much). one breakfast, besides bacon, we had poached eggs on buckwheat with white sauce. yeah. i never would have thought of it either. buckwheat is tasty. kind of a nutty flavour. bacon bacon bacon (sorry).

there was also music-playing, though in truth i shied away from the creativity that everyone else got wrapped up in. i'm still recuperating, and i realised this weekend that i crave and need some down time to do so. i've been really focused on getting back to life; so much so that i've ignored my own pace. i was/am worried that i would 'take too long' and leave the queen holding down the fort, when he's already done so much. i wish i didn't operate so much from a "is this okay?" space. i hadn't seen it in a while, and hoped i'd kicked that lousy habit.

we caught some good wildlife on the 1200km round trip. troops of deer, of course. also, a lone coyote in a field and some travelling geese. some say it's the first robin, but i always see spring's arrival in the return of geese and RVs. and laundry out on the line, which we have.

hey poetry - thanks for the package! we didn't yet have a baby towel, and the pink monster hood suits the peanut's "just out of the bath" disposition!

tired. must watch movie.

media that i'm into at the moment

when we were in austin, we found a great bookstore that also sold vinyl. i picked up this great album by john mayall for only two bucks. think sesame street, white-person blues. i've been playing it all day, and am inspired by the harmonica on "don't waste my time". the peanut seems to enjoy it too. it's good "staring off into space and occasionally farting" music, apparently.

evil pleasure: justified. i take small comfort in the fact that it's based on an elmore leonard novel (though i've not read any of his books). since our US visit, the queen and i are hooked on shows set in the southern states, and this one delivers the sexy accent, the hillbillies and the general "we still run our own show, thank you very much mr president" attitude.

the show, via its awesome choice in theme songs, turned me onto this beautiful piece. ah, the genius of mixing bluegrass with hip hop. need some bass to cut all that twang, know what i'm sayin?

legumes and witticisms...

babies teach you all about delayed gratification. not the "raise someone til they become independant then see how you (and society, and the kid themselves) did" kind of delay. (who says that leads to gratification anyway?) i'm learning the "just checked the mail and got an exciting package that i can't open because so-and-so is hungry" kind of delay. moving to a small town helps convince me that there's nothing that can't wait, really. except the hungry baby. you know that thing about how parents learn to decipher the different cries of their babies? i think the "i'm hungry" cry has more fury. the "pay attention to me, you selfish fucker" cry is more plaintive. the "i'm trying to move a log out" cry is kind of confused and grunty, succinctly summed up with "wtf?"

anyway.

we had a somewhat useless morning. the queen went out to the farm to move the bus, but hank wouldn't start. he had intended to leave the peanut with his folks, but they weren't home. so the peanut met trooper instead (large farm dog. friendly, which is a good thing. an unfriendly trooper would be a force to be reckoned with). then we went into the nearby bigger town (really it's a city, but to me a city has decent skyline) to get some bloodwork done, only to discover as we turned into the parking lot that i should have fasted.

me: *&?%&? dr xx didn't say a word about that! look, it's just written all tiny in the corner!
the queen: yeah, actually he did say something about it.
me: oh.

way to cockblock my shifting the blame, queenie (healing still going well, btw).

looks like we're heading to the next province over to visit the awesomes in a few days. they have yet to meet the peanut. i'm looking forward to it. they're family.

well, we're going if the queen finishes suffering at the hands of his vehicles. the latest update is that he got the car to run again (after spending most of yesterday at the wreckers getting the part out of another car and then installing it in ours), and today discovered the part he had replaced needs fiddling with, because it leaks gas. oops. he then promptly got a flat on the other car. i think saturn is in his car house or something.

am i boring now? i feel bored. i'm still getting to the place where i can do more than just the dishes, laundry and baby-tending, both energetically and time-wise. i want to write the book i haven't read, but can't even begin to muster the enthusiasm. even being inspired takes effort, i guess.

sistasage ages.

feeling better. well, feeling okay about not feeling great.

my folks visited today, and mom found my high school grad dress. it's deep burgundy and mildly medieval in a gothic, vampire-y sort of way. perfect for costume party adornments, and mom suggested it as a possibility for a wedding dress. her own dress is another alternative, an ivory long-sleeved relatively classic dress with ivory beading, or embroidered with something in some way... i intuitively feel like it's too fancy for the kind of wedding we'll have. i mean, a hostel is booked, we'll be staying in hank, people will be camped and the 'ceremony' will be in a meadow. that sheds light on our style. i want to mark the occasion with adornment (what is that, anyway? this method of expression we have evolved, taped onto the back of the necessity of sheltering one's body from the elements through clothing ourselves), but it needs to fit in with the outdoor world. if we got married in the evening, that might work more for burgundy. hey, that's kind of an interesting idea - sunset ceremony. then we can get right to the eating and drinking and hot-tub-lounging.

weddings are making me think about the future, about my values. values. yeesh.

my mom's husband and the queen traded childhood farm stories, often involving the harm one of the siblings wrecked on another (my favourite was the pitchfork thrown like a spear in revenge for being driven over with the tractor (and into the manure pile). although the story of two broken noses holds a special place too). mom and i were sitting there with our tame-ass kiddie stories, realising we never would have survived such darwinian upbringings.

the peanut - cute as ever. more knitted goods have arrived, and storybooks... i feel very loved by my friends and family. i feel like we, as a family unit, are loved by a larger community (a community based not in geography but in time and experience and choice). it's a new feeling, my heart holds it warmly.

blech.

for some reason, i feel gross. it's a beautiful day out, the peanut allowed us to sleep and is napping again, i have time to write letters, etc, and instead i loaf around, feeling gross. i went for a walk a while ago to clear myself, but i still feel blechy.

motherhood: it's terrifying. i need to acknowledge that currently, part of me is locked in my head, rocking back and forth muttering "what have you done? what have you done?" it's scary for a perfectionist to try and stop a crying baby. sometimes you've tried everything and you just have to try it all again, hoping something will work that didn't work the first time around. sometimes she's hungry but doesn't realise that eating will solve her problem. sometimes i'm just tired of it, sometimes she wakes up every half an hour and it takes an hour to get her back to sleep.

sometimes i wish i was still childless, still at the bookstore in the city, still stressed out about what i'm going to do with my life, still feeling like an underachiever.

today, i don't like living in a small prairie town. i don't like the neighbours i haven't met who are roofing next door. i am weirded out at the house decorations (bright pink fences, cowboy cutouts on the outside walls, strange wooden carvings that look unintentionally like southpark characters), the small-town-big-penis cars and trucks (adorned with flaming skulls, etc) and the smell of thawing dog shit.

fortunately, in all this, i still love my daughter. and the queen! he is extra lovely these days, even though he's trying to sell a car that ran perfectly reasonably until he decided to sell it, and since then, has been haunting him with strange little fuck-ups. he even took it into a shop, as opposed to fixing it himself, and then it wouldn't run at all. ah, shop mechanics (my apologies to the three good ones out there).

i'm not even tired, so i can't go back to bed (tried that). i'm caught up on laundry and dishes, i don't feel like reading... blech.