blinking out the window

feeling a bit overwhelmed. not as a whole; the imminent birth, on a conscious level anyway, feels good. i'm practicing my breathing exercises and reading about breast-feeding. we have supplies, a list of people to call who will light a candle, and a cozy room to birth in. the midwives visit our home now for their weekly visits. the feeling of being overwhelmed is more of an extension into other areas in my life. i cry more easily. emotions are full. i am content with smaller plans for the day; larger plans lead to depression. knowing all i ask of myself is to finish a letter, make banana bread and sweep the kitchen floor is reassuring. i think i equate busy days with feeling out of control and not ready.

i've struggled with the phenomenon of things taking on a weird importance "because i'm pregnant". something the queen says becomes oddly illuminated by the fact that we'll be co-parenting for years to come. every day i sleep in i wonder if it will be the last day i sleep in for years. my body is very much in the moment, but my mind is reeling with the change to come.

the breech position really helped me to bond with my baby, which has been nice; i pay more attention to the little dolphin, talk to it more often, appreciate the movements as signs of life. the size has remained small (i haven't really popped) and while the midwives feel like i'm probably just having a small baby, we're going to get one more ultrasound to confirm it's getting what it needs from me. i'm falling off the little chart of optimum growth, apparently. given the amount i'm eating and the vitamins i'm taking, i think we're alright on this front. but since it's our first, best to be on the safe side.

with january almost over, i want to cheer myself on having survived a chunk of winter (it's very snowy outside and minus twenty-four right now). but i don't feel like i am surviving at all. i don't mean that in a dire way. i mean i don't have a job, so i don't have to leave the house unless i want to. also, endless grey days of freezing nose hairs really pales in severity to breathing another living being into the world. add to that the queen having a vehicle and you really end up with me in a whole different scene than last winter, when i was house-sitting, taking public transit to a full-time job and getting my groceries in amounts i could carry home. i'm not even supposed to shovel the walk, lest i pop the waters before the little dolphin is ready to swim out (yes i KNOW it's a cheesy nickname and I LIKE IT).

when i'm not crying or getting a fist in the tendon, i'm feelin' alright. but yeah, a bit overwhelmed. it's getting closer, i can tell.

and we'll finish with a couple of good quotes.

the queen: between america and christmas, my stomach has definitely gotten larger.

my friend, mother of two: in the last week, you get really antsy. basically, your body has to convince itself that the best thing in the world to do is to give birth.

the wife's facebook status: down to 2 houses where stuff might be! (she has moved in with her brother, who lives next door to the gnome home, for a month, but i'm still not sure which two houses she's talking about here.)

thank you for tuning in.