January 18, 2011

treadmill or rollercoaster?

aww, everyone is being supportive. you guys are so sweet! reader support; i never knew it could feel so good. i got this beautiful c-birth story sent to me, which was absolutely perfect, plus it introduced me to the offbeat mama website, which seems pretty lovely.

we have the ecv scheduled for tomorrow. the chiropractor seems pretty hopeful, the midwives encouraging. i'm trying not to be too attached, but it would be nice if i could come home with a baby in vertex position and continue planning my homebirth.

we were at the pool yesterday (somersault, somersault) and there was a little munchkin hiding in the lockers while her mom got dressed. it was like a toddler version of "you can't do that on television":

"oh mommy?"

"yes pumpkin?"

"i is hiding!" *slam!*

this weekend, we are planning to head up to edmonton for a handfasting and a party. we were going to stay with the wife, but she has to move suddenly because her house is leaking everywhere. i haven't seen it, but an entire wall of the attic has ice all over the inside. it is raining in her dining room. so we're scrambling a bit for a place to stay. it's funny, because it's offers at this point (incredibly pregnant, last-minute, winter) that really show you who your friends are. there are people who are saying "oh, of course!" who have absolutely no room, and people who are saying no because, you know, it's inconvenient for them, they had plans... and people i am not even bothering to ask. and the wife, who is packing up against the tide, who had to cancel all her childcare so is basically out of a job as well, is still trying to help us find a place. now that's a sweetie. seriously. if there were a respectable sainting organization on the planet, i would nominate her.

it got me thinking about friends; i spent years in a "community", but sometimes the community is a bunch of selfish assholes. when my friend who is under house arrest for the next two years came to the city for a month, almost no one came to visit her. i mean, this is a woman who is legally prevented from going out, who is being dressed up to look like a terrorist because she has organized non-violent actions against corporate control of natural resources and government inaction, and all the community she spent years helping to grow could do was provide lip service and facebook support.

that got me thinking about family. i don't post about my family a lot, because there isn't much of it left (dad died, mom remarried, sister took off) and it impacted me mostly in ways of fear and isolation growing up (there was always a crisis, which doesn't automatically mean there isn't much family support, but that's what it meant in our home). my mom and i have gotten closer over the years, as she has finally had time to breathe and my hormones have matured, but our closeness is based more on mutual respect than affection or affinity. still, she is supportive. and i feel that as my birthing time grows closer. i feel grateful.

i know the patterns of my family have contributed strongly to how i relate to people now, people i am supposed to be close with. i know there are people i am not closer to and it's not their fault. it's just continually surprising who it is who asks me how i'm doing, how i'm feeling, and who doesn't. who helps when i really need it, and who just helps when it's convenient for them. who actively helps when it's inconvenient for them - wow, these people are awesome.

which one am i?

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