January 16, 2011

crisply depressed; like deep fat fried emotions

let me start this post off with a musical recommendation for those among us who are feeling depressed, with shout-outs to this sweetheart and this poor sod (who wrote and starred in a cool video but man does he ever seem low). seeing these people depressed reminds me we don't have to be ugly or poor or otherwise destitute to feel depressed. they honestly seem like smart folks, and they're both cute. depression: illness for the successful among us. (it seems to help to live in a developed nation, and perhaps be white.) i wonder if all of us were dropped into circumstances of extreme physical challenge, would our emotional problems resolve themselves in a poof of perspective? likely.

we are who we are. i thought being pregnant was rough, but now i think facing an imminent c-section when i'd planned for a home birth is way, way rougher. no doubt there is a corner i could turn whereupon this reality would feel like a fucking parade.

most of the time, the old "hey, it could be worse" option does not make me feel better. like drinking water upside down to cure the hiccups, it's been used one too many times for it to be effective any more. but every now and then (usually just after things have gotten worse) it feels like the truth it is.

i've been feeling totally wrapped up in my own problems, which aren't major on a scale of zero to "is your baby dead?" but merely disappointing like "oh, your vacation got cancelled. sucks." and reading the poor sod's blog while not terribly enjoyable nonetheless sparked in me the reminder that not everyone is wrapped up in my pregnancy. thank god.

(side fear: what will stop me from becoming domestically disabled? i mean, today i made cake to solve my problem. gingerbread cake. with whipped cream and pineapple. it actually worked - i feel way better. but i fear this blog will turn into "this is what my baby did today" and "great new recipe, guys!" do we really need another blog like that? i really prefer the "read this, listen to this, try this emotional process it worked for me" kind of blog i have maintained up til this point. which i suppose we also don't need more of. anyway.)

where was i? oh yeah, not defined by being pregnant - still human, just with a kicking dolphin brewing escape plans out the emergency hatch of my uterus, instead of the door. human. which, given that it's a windchill of minus thirty outside, would probably involve cake and goulash (well, sort of goulash - some substitutions ended up happening) were i empty-of-womb.

really, the major difference with me now and me not-pregnant is that i would probably have gotten stoned today. which would have made for a fuzzier entry. admire the crispness. and listen to the song; it's all i can share since you aren't coming over for cake. at least i've spared you a tale of how difficult it was to clip my toenails today.


  1. A C-Section? You're handling really it well. I'd be terrified out of my mind. Is there anything you could do to reward yourself, or make up for, going through the potential c-section? Something to look forward to?

    And I doubt this blog will turn into a mommy blog. You're too deep for that. I don't read a lot of blogs that do with handling one's emotions, yours might be the only one... so if you have any recommendations, it'd be much appreciated.

  2. So I've been lurking on your blog for a long time, thanks to Poetry of Flesh. You write with an uncensored honesty that I can only dream of. And I've learned so much.

    But today I got a scent of future abandonment of this blog which made me decloak. It doesn't matter that you'll have "mom" posts here. It doesn't matter if you'll update sporadically. As long as you continue to write, I'll be grateful.