hydrogen or helium?

okay, i need to actually blog, with emotions and all that.

i feel really sad about the baby being in breech. i want to have a home birth. i want this baby to pass through the canal and join the world having felt a little pressure. i want to know that experience for myself as well. i want this to change my life, not in a surgical way but in an opening way. i want to feel the pressure and the tightness and the release.

i am accustomed to finding the silver lining, finding a way to be okay with whatever happens. i am probably better at adjusting/accepting than at creating what i want. i don't feel very skilled at bringing about the changes required to get what i want in this case. but i want it enough to try, to risk doing all this work at turning the baby and failing anyway. this is hard to own up to. this is another kind of vulnerability that i have worked hard to avoid facing.

i am also tired of being pregnant. and yet still pregnant for four more weeks, give or take. i am getting lost in all the priorities; eat well, drink well, move around enough, not too much or in the wrong way, do the breech exercises, read up on all the choices we have to make (strep b antibiotics? vitamin k drops? blah blah blah?), continue to abstain from all the things i have already been abstaining from for a long time, collect baby supplies (which brand of cloth diapers? how many onesies? where do we get diaper pails?), collect birthing supplies (which we may not need if we are obligated to hospital birth our breechy mcbreecherson), rest, get the house in order both for us and for baby, deal with the stressed out cat who occasionally pees on my floor (she has NEVER done this even though we've moved several times in her life, and of course now is the perfect time to start), remember my relationship with the queen (knead the bread of love), accept visits from his parents and mine, talk about the baby to all my friends, communicate with the baby, relax, practice the breathing-for-birth exercises, read up on the birthing and baby care... i just pick up and put down the priorities, and don't have a clear idea of what is more important than what else. it really seems to depend on my perspective. i'm not sure i have perspective anymore. i guess there is a me in all that, but i don't see her.

and i want to stay upbeat and positive because now is not the time to get all mopey, but i'm tired of staying upbeat: i feel like i'm in some kind of spotlight which i sometimes enjoy because i get more attention and have been inaugerated into this club of pregnancy survivors (it's fun to belong, a rare feeling for me), but also would like to be able to take off the dress and go hide in the cloakroom like i have been able to for my life up til now. there is no off button for pregnancy. and i am REALLY annoyed when people cheerfully tell me that 'this is the easy part, wait til you're a parent!'

oh thanks. that really helps me look forward to it. c'mere, you have something on your face...