July 2, 2010

roll, roll, roll your boat...

what to say, what to say. the queen and i had a pretty epic disagreement; one spawned by distance, previous troubles not fully laid to rest, a delay in sharing and old-fashioned miscommunication.

it was pretty rocky, explosive. can't say we don't have the passion part.

he took off, cooled down. i, after just having done this whole anger/hurt thing, feel pretty tired.

i still don't really know how i feel about our most recent volatile contact. i am relieved that the queen was able to sort out some things he would like to change about his own behaviour in order to better serve his needs. if he follows through with what he intends, there will likely be more peace both inside and around him. his epiphanies are his own, and i won't go into them here.

it just sapped me. all that emotion, so hard, so fast. it went through me and hit all the tender spots. it feels like a train went through me. someone else's train. but i cared, which made it sort of like my own train. in hindsight, which i desperately need more of, it can probably become one of those turning points.

if we turn. neither of us feel terribly confident about our ability to maintain long-term relationships. we both want to try, but we both have issues with the statistics on long-term relationships. we both have issues with each other's pasts and what we'll each become. there is uncertainty here.

it's strange to feel bred to fail, and experienced in failure, yet drawn to try. drawn to the light. is it the end of the tunnel or a fiery pit of doom? stay tuned and watch me not be able to tell the difference!

in household news, the lovelies return from oregon tonight so i am back at the house of the good witch. who has decided that for emotional health reasons, she needs to live alone unless the person she lives with is closer to her and more committed to a long-term stay. which totally makes sense and i knew i probably wouldn't stay here too long. still, it sucks to go pay rent somewhere. bookstores don't pay, i haven't had a raise since i got there last fall.

so i talked to one of the gnomes who just had some serious house-breaking, and needs new roommates. i can pay come the middle of the month, and olive and i can move into the only remaining gnome home (3) that we haven't lived in yet. so that will be happening in the next couple of weeks. welcome home. again.

this too shall pass, but what shall replace it?

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