February 2, 2010

there will be cocoa

i really do have trouble in the winter keeping my mood elevated enough to do more than just survive. but i also have these epic moments of wow, where i find a cue that taps me back into the wonder (or is it forward into the wonder?) of the moment, of the inherent awesome that lurks on the height of the waves and the flats of the plains.

special friend and i have been exchanging a few emails that reassure me as to our mutual recovery from the ending of our romance (still hurts to type that, but the hurt is now sandwiched in slices of comforting reality - why does it feel so much better when you've both hooked up with other people?). i also let him know something that i was keeping from the blog world, knowing he reads my blog - that i have 'developed feelings' (can we find a less disgusting term for that?) for someone. that someone is my wife's roommate, the queen, first mentioned here, i believe.

it was, in a way, totally fluke that i went against my loose religion of not hooking up with roommates (i know, he's not my roommate, but i still pretend i live there). the queen and i have been decent friends for a while, since i jam with him and another old gnome on an infrequent but recurring basis. i felt horribly guilty that i could, despite my reassurances that it was casual sex, connect so deeply with someone so soon after special friend and i had broken things off - i judged myself as shallow for being able to do so. interesting how i judge myself based on emotions i don't control. i mean, if i judged myself for having casual sex, that would be ignorant, but it would at least follow the logic of judging me on my actions - something i do control.

i'm still kind of judging myself, but slowly letting that go. judgment, go eat grass or something. i am busy being a more honest self over here. oh, well, judgment, you probably mean well, it's okay. i'll hug you, but i won't let you drive.

honestly, i feel different since special friend. i feel like i am not seeking out broken people to fix. i am not throwing myself at someone hoping they might help me solve the problem of my childhood. i am not interested in roles, but rather, people. not that people don't terrify me as well, but whatever. in a traditional celtic tarot spread, our hopes and fears are depicted by the same card.

i don't want to shortchange myself in the grieving process, however. so in an excellent twist of fate, the day after the night the queen and i shockingly discovered our hearts are opening to each other, he's off on a trip for six weeks. it's kind of perfect in that annoying way that denies desires and fulfills needs. there are states that work cannot bring. only time. letting go is a chaotic process.

i realize that although the majority of my change can be traced to my own work, both in therapy and out of it, special friend totally gets the assist. because of his excellent communication skills and steady tenderness, because of his honesty when we had those obnoxious couples conversations that predate the realization of different needs and different desires for a relationship. he didn't let it be all about me, my fault, my weirdness. he claimed his own weirdness, and the blame shovel got laid aside.

today's cue to bring me out of morose refusal to dress and wash the dishes? led zeppelin. ah yes. and none of this overplayed stairway bullshit. houses of the holy, thou are magickal.

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