February 10, 2010

a soft waltz

amazing. living in emotional poverty meant i could not conceive of the feast of joy that everyone is invited to. doors are open. but i didn't believe it was real, didn't believe i could enter. thought i was greedy for even wanting to. but greed is different - greed and gluttony do not feel good. enjoyment, the quiet bubbling of lovely, mmm, feels so good. unpredictable and non-synthetic - can't make it, only find and nurture it in the tenuous bond between myself and a subtle experience. hello, heart.

got an amazing number of errands done yesterday. it felt really good. not just the crossing off on the mental list, but the actual going out and doing. i think it helped that the sun is shining and it's tuqueless weather out there. and that's the forecast for the rest of the week: tuqueless! wouldn't it be awesome if the weather network advised you on what to wear? "a light sweater: bring an umbrella" or "definite long john weather" or "looks like your fall jacket outside, but i wouldn't risk it unless accompanied by your thickest wool scarf" (that's for the nice november day with a cutting wind).

went for lunch with some of the dance organization folks - i'd forgotten how wonderful they are.
sometimes i focus on the work to the exclusion of the the reason i agreed to do the work - my care for the people involved and my joy for the larger happenings.

with the actualizing of free joy comes the release of pent up grief. my therapist even said, somewhat grimly, there's likely a lot of sadness i have covered over with layers of survival tales. and as i was walking along in the sun, practically whistling, tears suddenly bubbled up. so many reasons not to let them slide, but i did, briefly. until the layers covered them up again. ah, the onion metaphors.

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