half a glass weeps its heart out

i was chatting with another parent today and we were discussing Things We Should Be Paranoid About. i'm surprised i am not more paranoid about more things. before parenting, i was very paranoid: cancerous foods, cancerous plastics, cancerous stores. now, i'm paranoid about my child eating known allergens too early, and our cleaning products. seriously, the dumpling chews on toys that will probably be banned in fifteen years and i'm only mildly traumatized. why is this? because i exist on way less sleep. i shove aside paranoia in favour of exhaustion quite regularly.

this is also my justification for reading less, reading more crap, watching more tv and eating more (gluten-free) toast (okay, i always ate too much toast). also, not watching foreign language movies; too tired or distracted to read the subtitles. it's good that i find some meaning in parenting, because i sure as hell get less meaning elsewhere.

case in point: i came across this blog entry, and in my previous life, i would have been fascinated by the linguistics of it all. and i still find that interesting. but mostly i was caught by a mention of an author of a cool mystery novel i read, and disappointed that what with his interest in physics and politics, he just didn't get much mystery-writing done. sad. see how far i have fallen?

the wife says a lot of free time and brain power returns with the fifth birthday. i just want my ability to construct reasonable sentences back. see what i'm saying? not sure. right-o.

i miss free time, and the freed-up mental space that came with it. i miss perspective. i miss having taken the time to rub out my own sore spots so that i am free to help others. now i'm just proud of shovelling the driveway. but it's only our driveway. i have friends that are Occupying, and i don't even know why. i have a friend who is going to jail for activism and government interference, and i'm worried i won't write her enough letters because i will forget she is in jail.

i have never felt so selfish, and yet, my life has never felt so challenging. what the aitch.