January 28, 2010


i'm getting busier again. this brings fear. why?

because i ignore myself when i get busy. i don't check in, i end up acting out of reaction and not response. it snowballs, and i do more and more for other people. i feel guilty because i connect with three old friends and then six more tell me they never see me anymore. and i can't figure out how to prioritize who i spend time with, so i end up panicking, and making plans in self-defence (alright, i'll hang out, just don't make me feel guilty!). even though i like all the people i see, i don't want to see them all all the time. the people i do want to see, i want to see because they give me something. so on top of feeling guilty, i feel selfish. awesome. cue extended time on the computer procrastinating.

in reality, i like a lot of what i am doing. chilling with the gnomies, with the bookstore crowd, building connections, strengthening relationships. really reaching out more. still reading, still getting incredible peace from things like shoveling the walk and doing laundry (why are these so awesome? i don't know). but i feel like charlie brown. impending doom at the hands of other people.

maybe the frantic is not caused by the increased activity. maybe it is caused by the absence of something else. no yoga. no sitting. no empath exercises. i know these help me. i know it. but they're the first to go. okay. so we will try to bring these back and then see how things go.

recently, i did two things i haven't done for a while. one, i became physically intimate with a woman. it was really awesome, and that's all i am going to say about it. i want to say more, but the more would be all blathery. so no.

secondly, i accepted an invitation to facilitate a workshop. well, i am going to send a proposal. hopefully it will work with their programming. the local pirg is setting up a series of workshops and talks to help spread better information about sex. my interest is how our culture is so terrified of nudity and sex that we treat it like it hurts people. what the hell is so dangerous about my boobs and my masturbation? seriously, any light anyone can shed on this would be great. one book that really opened me up to the subject is john ince's "politics of lust", which is a bit dry, but has some amazing gems. i need more material to research on this. i have two weeks to get the proposal done. ideally, i want people to be shocked that society has cut them away from their own bodies and eroticism, and also empowered by a new way of relating to their own sex drive and feelings about bodies.

i haven't facilitated in a long time. but this is a subject i care so much about, that i am willing to step back into the arena of public.

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