January 22, 2010

beautiful music video with lots of grey

today sf and i got together for an old-fashioned, post-break-up stuff exchange. it was challenging, in ways i was not prepared for. i prepared myself for what i am generally afraid of (someone else needing me desperately and provoking a fissure between the part of me that wishes to support endlessly and the part of me that will not stand for co-dependency), and then the regular sadness of it all hit me in the heart. oh darn. i had forgotten the way the lines sit around his mouth, suggesting he laughs often. i had forgotten how his posture shows his practice - round shoulders, round belly, straight spine: drawn up from the inside.

a friend of mine ponders online if a broken heart can be mended. many say yes, a few resolutely say no. some share stories, other speak cryptically. i play with words, offering varying definitions from breakthroughs (who wants to recover from those?) to breakdowns (usually the mind masquerading as the heart) to breaking open (hurts like a sunavabitch but sincerely worth the pain).

i really do think that given time, pain ages well. eventually, pain reminds us something really important happened, something self-shaping. but no, i don't think it ever really mends. that's like asking if you stop missing the people who die - you don't. not ever. why would time change that?

sf and i wondered why it's so common that people strive toward relationship, and yet often seem unhappy about the one they're in. but keep doing it. he tossed out the idea that maybe they don't think about it as much as we do, don't give themselves the mental out. i think he has a point, but i refuse to deny myself the out. people stay in abusive relationships by thinking they have no way out. are there relationships people want to stay in?

a quick look at what seems to be a nice relationship here.

i'm making a mixed cd for one of the gnomes. i've been building it for a while, but things have been changing really quickly these days, and songs are becoming irrelevant quickly. i think i've brought some clarity to the situation today. lots of em-power and forward-moving grooves. i toy with the idea of having a radio show. maybe when i stop volunteering with the dance board...

1 comment:

  1. "eventually, pain reminds us something really important happened"

    I love this. This is a perfect thought.