January 20, 2010

dancing on the edge of the coin of readiness

really enjoying my life these days, which is surprising since i have scored yet another illness. at least this one isn't the flu. but i was reading some buddhism stuff, and it reminded me that my state of illness or health is separate from the human condition: what kind of human being i am does not change. the meaning and purpose i bring to my life does not change.

epic meeting with my therapist. really feeling whole with some of the broken past. not even sure how it is possible, just know that i am including parts of me in my decision-making process that i long thought were lost, dead, gone.

i noticed the pace of my life was ramping up a bit since the roommate had moved in. and i wish to slow it down again. slowness brings me more pleasure, and that is a good thing. also, then i drink less. again, a good thing. why do so many of my social groups still use alcohol?

thinking about what it is that brings people to a readiness to be in relationship. i realize (through the course of listening to friends talk about their own processes) that i don't want to admit when my needs are not getting met, because i don't want to make the other person feel bad. i don't want to ask them to change, i don't want to hurt their self-esteem. so i betray myself? doesn't seem like an effective compromise. hello, ugly past! you're not that ugly. come here. let's meet...

instead of being honest, i just decide i'm done. and once i decide that, it seems pretty hard to reverse it. but i wonder how it would look if i shared? if i was brave enough to have said "i want to go hiking with you, not walking. i want to dance wildly with you, i want to throw our bodies, unencumbered by egos, to the wind." or if i had said "i miss your kindnesses, the ones you gave me before we started dating, when we were still friends." or: "i don't want to be the only decisive person in the relationship." would those relationships have progressed any differently?

still, i have trouble even with the idea of being that honest. i don't want to be the big judge, telling someone they aren't good enough. i have been there. it just makes you question every single thing about yourself. you second-guess all your actions. it sucks. why should they need to know? except i guess when i follow through on the path of not telling them anything, that doesn't work either. begin overthinking now.

i think there is something to be said about the delivery. i mean, it's not that someone isn't good enough. it's that they aren't right for me. but when is it a deal-breaker and when can it be worked out (is it a sliver or a bullet)? not to mention that if it's something like how they deal with their own body or their own past, something more abstract and slower-moving, how patient can i be? even if they agree that is something they want to work on?

also: can i receive that kind of feedback? i basically spend my spare time in self-development (okay, not as obsessed in the last few years, but it's still a theme), and i know part of this is defensive in nature: i will fix everything so that you will never leave, and i will do it before you even notice there was something wrong. how do i respond to the fact that this is a game in my head ? that i am as imperfect as the rest of us?

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