January 30, 2010


sitting at the computer in the wee hours, having come home, gone to bed and now being up again. i am not sure what drove me from sleep, i only know it did. and here i sit.

hung out with an old friend, one of the oldest, actually. straight from junior high. we had dinner, and then drinks, and then more drinks. of course, as always when i am with him, i paid for nothing. we ran into another group of friends, and he bought them drinks, and then gave them a ride home as well as i. this is what happens when we're out with the nicest man i know.

we talked about whether or not to be nice to douchebags. nicest man stated unequivocally that he is nice to everyone at first, but if they're douchebags, he stops. it is such a simple thing, to be kind. it really does not require a lot of forethought or decision-making.

i am looking forward to today. after work, a multidisciplinary salon, filling my evening with art.

thinking about the future. feels scary. i have been working on the calmness that i need, working on the breathing and the empath exercises. but i still find that i am in a place where today is all i can think of, else i start feeling short of breath. shoulders stoop like i'm pulling a plough. i worry that it's adversely affecting my decision-making. i feel disenchanted with slow things, with subtle things. all in all, it doesn't feel like i am living deeply, rather, skating on the surface of my life.

after writing that, what else is there?

i feel depressed. winter is long, cuddle buddies are in thailand, budgets are eternally tight and everything nice is wearing off like a thin patina, colour fading, tired. i remember when it was warm outside and you could touch the ground with your bare skin.

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