August 25, 2008

attention; dance.

when everything changes, how do we find what's familiar again? or what feels normal, if we don't want familiarity (or if it feels out of reach)?

i move in a month. the house i move out of loses two roommates, and only gains one. people are coming over to look at my room.

my job is looking unsuitable and possibly unstable. i need to work on my résumé again.

i'm single, and trying to figure out how to grieve and what i'm grieving for. what we had been building toward definitely ended yet we both still care for each other and wonder how best to express that. so i grieve a loss of structure and growing intimacy, but not an end to the string between us. my personal safety got rattled, and i'm not sure if i am 'doing best' by myself to hope for a future. there is no certainty of ever being safe with anyone, and while that tends not to worry me, i don't want to put myself in a path of known danger. to keep an open mind while maintaining some caution. hmm. sounds like an i ching paradox.

so i do little, inconspicuous projects i've been meaning to do for a while, and i fiddle around with my dream board, and i journal... somewhere in there i'm sure i'm mustering up the courage to think about my résumé. and the future. and what i want from myself in it.

somehow, in the random extra moments, given an environment of general awareness and loving attention, things actually seem to sort themselves out. a sloppy, hands-on approach usually isn't required, but the situation(s) still requires my energy and my attention. pay attention and don't fuck it up. if there were a theme, that would be it. oh, and dance.

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