juggling

this post is from August 18th, i simply didn't have access to the blog until now:


traumatizing as it is, i scrub away the layers of conditioning that have been painted over my behaviour like cheap paint covering up hardwood. the phrase "why does this always happen to me?" is terrifying in this context. it 'always' happens, it repeats itself, i make the same choices i made before, it happens again.

drifting through the same old. i keep to the paths; so many old friends. but i'm not happy here. i am here to fix the problems and then get out, get out.

i insist upon a happy childhood, am determined to 'do what it takes' to have one. ummm, too late. sorry. as a friend of mine said to me the other day, "you did everything right and it didn't matter."

oh.

perhaps if i try, try again? every axiom in the book, sure. something's gotta work. it's like willow, refusing to accept tara's death was an accident, it was natural and, in short, because it was a part of the 'regular' world, it couldn't be fucked with. mmm, nope. does not compute. how bout this way? how much? everything has a price, right?

what makes a peaceful, nurturing upbringing so great anyway? who's to say it's what i would order from a bigger picture perspective? am i so hard off? as i told someone else today, there's a lot of worthy stuff going on in here. i just need to work with it, to help me get better.