February 4, 2011

let down the draw-bridge!

after all the productivity in the last few days, i looked at the list of things i wanted to do today and said "fuck it". i erased the list and rewrote it to include: useless trips up and down the stairs; aimless puttering, and; cups of tea. now i feel good about my day. of course, after i gave up on the list, i was actually able to get some shit done. signed up for curbside recycling (which is a paid service in this small town, but we found a cheap one that donates to schools, so we signed up and now plan to slowly ease out the sacks of un-dealt-with recycling we've been storing in the garage) and have been tidying and writing. i like tidying. wandering around the house with two things in my hand, depositing and re-placing the things from room to room. productivity via small piles. that's my aim today.

i think i have prepared physically for birthing, and now am moving into mental preparations. grounding, focusing, etc. not that i haven't been mentally preparing the whole time, but i have put away trying to prepare physically, which leaves me more energy. it's nice. we have the pile of stuff, we have the freezer full. now i can do this. every day i feel more confident.

also, i can feel my body asking "are we ready yet?" and it's nice to say "yes. yes we are. on your cue."

as i read "the stone gods" by jeanette winterson, i have the strong feeling that i have read it already. hmm. so i look in my little book journal i started for this express purpose (was halfway through slaughterhouse-five when i realised i had already read it - and i didn't even like it that much. oh the chagrin!) and discover i read this book in may of 2008. so not only did i come very close to buying it twice, but i am more than halfway through reading it twice. awesome. well, it's still good.

years ago, i was feeling unfulfilled, and upon some inner searching, decided it was because i was spending a lot of time communicating with people, but not creating very much. that's when i started to make 'zines, do more spoken-word, and generally try and accomplish physical creations. now that i am about to finish/start a very visible creative project (magnum opus?), and have moved out of a social milieu, i find myself spending lots of time communicating with people; i have time on my hands, i feel satisfied about my creativity, and i feel the need for interaction. letter-writing, email-writing, phone calls, they all feel satisfying again. i think i used to nourish a lot of people with communication but not receive much myself. now, because my needs have changed, because i have changed what else i am doing with my time, and definitely because of who i communicate with, it's more of a mutual nourishment process. i like how it has come full circle.

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