ups and downs

back in canada. i never thought a 7-11 could look so good. we're staying with the red-haired nutritional vixen in southern ontario. it looks like we'll be here for a few days, since i seem to have a bladder infection. :( apparently they're pretty common in pregnancy, but i feel sad and disappointed. this is my first. the establishment has me on antibiotics, and i have to stick around for a few days to makes sure my bad little bodies aren't immune to the vengeful heroes i swallow three times a day (ever since i was a kid i've personalized my immune system. it really helps with the visualizations).

fortunately, the town is quaint and has gluten-free dining options. hank could use a few days of chillness, and the queen might take off for a day so we can each have some solo time. especially in the states, we've been sticking pretty closely together since we started out. it's healthy to remember how to miss each other.

after wisconsin, we drove through michigan. the upper peninsula seems like it's miles from anywhere else, and the locals (called "yoopers") are weird and proud of it. the great lakes are big enough to connote the sea - you cannot see the other shore. we drove over the mackinac bridge and then we were pretty much done with michigan, so we stuck to the interstate to get back to canada faster.

i just finished a great collection of ursula leguin's science fiction stories, published under the title "a fisherman of the inland sea". in it, there's a story of space travelers. the custom is to spend some time together before the journey connecting, building up their rapport. they call that period an "isyeye". basically, it's the coming together of something if it is going to come together at all. this trip is an isyeye for the queen and i. it's our chance not just to get to know each other better, but to learn if/how we work together.

for example, the bladder infection. normally i am pretty blasé about my physical health: i don't have a very strong connection to my body, so i just try and put the right things in often enough that i don't have to worry about it. i have been trying to develop more of a body connection, but i still know my brain far better.

being pregnant means i need to take my body more seriously; i need to pay attention and take less risks. this stresses me out. when i realised i might have a bladder infection, which increases the risk of developmental delays and preterm labour, i totally shut down. i don't like being solely responsable for this child's life. it sucks. i am excited to bring it into the world where the queen can bear some of the weight. i know he is looking forward to that moment as well.

he spoke sharply to me as we got to the hospital, probably because i was totally distracted and not helping with anything (the bladder infection grew in my mind until it ate my baby and reduced me to catheters), and then i got scared in the hospital (i do not like large buildings, i do not feel comfortable in new places and i don't like sharing my body with strangers, so there i was, profoundly unhappy). my feeling scared in a "legitimate" environment (where people aren't supposed to be scared - my fear in a dark alley looks totally different) leads to meekness, which sparks frustration in the queen (i think), so we were not the happy couple in the emergency waiting room. having driven a lot on little sleep probably didn't help.

i wanted the queen to be strong so that i could be weak. that was an expectation and an assumption of mine. if i had been single, i would not have behaved the same way. it frustrates me when i find situations where my behaviour changes because of who is around. i mean, i know that is inevitable, but it bothers me when i feel like i am bringing less of myself to the table because i think someone else can contribute that attribute better than i.

i also feel sad that we've been finding a good groove together lately, but we couldn't do that very well. i guess stressful situations maybe aren't the easiest things to build teamwork through, but they are the ultimate testing ground. the queen apologized for his frustration but i wasn't really interested in paying attention, because i couldn't think about anything else until i asked the doctor about the baby. the baby seems fine. ze was quiet for a couple of days, but that may have been my stress and the travelling as much as anything, because i felt ze kick a few times this evening. and i feel happy. damn motherhood, it's got me already.