little heartbeat

so, i've been hinting at stuff going on with the queen lately. and i've been tired, and cranky, and not as interested in well-thought-out debates or other displays of mental prowess. add to this some tidbits you didn't know: i've been vomiting regularly, and keeping a secret. can you guess yet?

oh come on. i can't wear most of my pants anymore. i'm having amazing mood swings, forgetting everything as soon as it leaves my hand, and i had to upsize my bra. still guessing? (probably not.) i glow.

that's right. knocked up! seventeen weeks along.

can't think of much to add to this entry. it's been a long time coming. i want to tell you about the state of dictatorship my diet has become (cravings aren't things we want and that taste extra good when we get them. they are possibly the only thing we can keep down, if we can get it into our mouths in the next four minutes). i want to tell you about how weird it is to have your body hijacked; not my boobs, not my sleep pattern, why the fuck do i have to pee again? i want to tell you about how i didn't get those feelings you think are natural, like liking my unborn baby. (we took to calling it the little beast.) i want to tell you it was neat hearing the heartbeat and that with the hearing of heartbeat, i could finally attach a measure of empathy to what i feel for this potential being.

i want to tell you how crazy it has been for the queen and i (surprise!) and how, with some serious rocky points, it has brought us closer to each other. and how happy i am he is the father of my not-quite-child. how amazingly sweet and helpful he is. he rubs my back and makes me food and warms me up when i come back from nighttime puking. how our various fights since the end of june have all had that context. how i didn't want to share this gain so early because i wouldn't want to share the loss.

i want to tell you about the midwives (lovely, awesome, and there's a cat at the 'office') and how we're birthing in a city two hours away because there aren't enough midwives to meet the demand here.

i want to tell you how crazy excited my mother is. i think she's hungrier for grandchildren than she let on. it's a bit scary.

i want to, but i am tired. so instead i am going to sleep.