October 1, 2008

swearing doesn't change things

dang. just when everything is getting sorted out, a wrench gets tossed in by some dissident aspect of fate. the log cabin turns out to have been a house of cards. can't blame the wind for blowing.

sometimes i wonder how much our actions actually affect our fates. i think it's our 'big picture' beliefs (acted out in tiny ways) that affect our fates more than the discernible, labeled actions that we use to justify and blame ourselves and each other (it's not the cheating, it's the belief that you deserved it last time so it will happen again, right?). every now and then, the fog of self-destructive patterns lift. and we see. and it's amazing and all okay. but... it's hard to act on the pivotal moments that 'change everything' when the world-shrinking beliefs are so familiar. and they promise to change nothing.

except they do. the rotten beliefs we quietly invest in about 'how people are' and 'what happens when i'm vulnerable' just lie about reality to us. "no no, you won't have to change a bit. everything will be the way you expect it to be." and then they steal our power to change. "can i borrow this? you won't need it," they say silkily into our ears. and we shiver, but we ignore it. we take the offer. after all, we're so tired.

days, weeks, months, never, later we realize what we lost. the ability to work for the life we want and belief in our own power to make change. and that's another lie. we lost nothing but the chances that passed in the meantime. chances are part of the weather system; they will generally come around again, we just need to be prepared.

for now, i think i'll cry. maybe tomorrow, scarlett. maybe tomorrow the pieces will line up like they always do, and i'll walk away instead of playing to lose.

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