October 26, 2008

i ordered coffee, but not vice versa

i'm writhing gently in a delicious new sweater. we met at a freestore. perfect arm length, smoky orange, comfortable texture; luscious.

recent interactions have been nourishing and playful. they include meetings, cuddles, breakfasts, children and old friends. also, tzadeka's album, available here, although you have to email them. this album is worth ten bucks.

it's interesting watching misplaced emotions in myself. events from the past that threaten to recur feel, well, threatening. but my sub-conscious, while intuitive, is not foolproof when it comes to identifying threats. a friend and i were chatting about how the subconscious can sometimes latch onto erroneous reasoning simply because it wants to latch onto something Now. like a dog afraid of the tree that got stuck by lightning. i feel like saying to my subconscious "dude, you don't have to solve the problems of your past over and over in your friends, romances, jobs. they're done. if you want to get all pissy about it, judge whether you passed or failed, but please recognise that the test is over." i keep replaying it.

great talk with an old friend over poutine and a bison sausage breakfast dish at B's diner. he reminded me that my opinion of people being unhappy or things being sad is my opinion only. that was helpful in assuaging the guilt i feel in regards to a recent series of events. namely, i tried to help someone who reminded me of a major player in my past. it was emotionally dangerous, of dubious use and rather difficult, but i really needed to try. no, i was not detached. no, it didn't work. yes, i still feel responsible for things outside of my control. no, that makes no sense.

it's good to be honest with myself about how ridiculous my actions can be. humour softens. these things are done best over breakfasts at diners. watch out for the coffee though. i got fried on it and then went to a meeting, and had some trouble staying focused. and not vibrating off the couch. i'm still getting occasional spikes of 'wired' coursing through my system. and and and.

i like getting out more and involving myself with community, but i missed solo time to relax this weekend. now i find myself tired on a sunday night, still with things undone (granted, that's normal), and slightly more stressed out than i might have been if i had spent a slow weekend doing 'my thing'. but i also feel happy. like i have a larger purpose and i am fulfilling it.

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