September 26, 2008

wish list, while i remember

i'm at that point (again!) where i'm feeling overwhelmed by the day to day. it's amazing, really. i know so many people who "do" so much more than i. yet i find the balance that brings about peace compromised so easily. invariably, i decide i either work too much, have too many friends or really shouldn't be in love. awesome. glad we've solved that one.

i just wish i had one of those days coming up where there was nothing going on. where i could allow my good friend to finally fix the dreads that have been forming, unguided, in my hair for months. where i could hack away at my mending box, filled to the brim with clothes i have forgotten. where i could vacuum under my bed. whatever. attend to the things that aren't screeching in my life, just waiting.

what do i do with my days? get up, let cat out, have shower, make coffee, make breakfast, make lunch, go to work. work work work. use lunch to catch up on email, especially volunteer-related email. walk home. lie down, do yoga or engage in some kind of "relaxing" activity. make supper (or don't). engage in one or more of the following activities: read, listen to music, give childcare, do house chores, go grocery-shopping, run errands, play with cat, write or entertain.

weekends: go to market, go to meetings, get saturday's globe and mail, have dates, make food, catch up on errands and house chores, entertain, sit or do yoga. but rarely do i do any of those things as much as i want to. often the globe is only partially read, the yoga is cut short because of obligations, or the market gets postponed until next week. sometimes i sleep in and stare at the wall, but even those have pretty much been cut out. these days, sleeping in lasts until 9.

i wish my job was only four days a week. the other activities give me more joy or care, relative to the amount of time i put forward for each of them. but part-time jobs are rarely as engaging as the full-time jobs that are available. i wish i could run a b&b in the woods while raising some tiny little zen kid. imagine; occasionally writing, building eco-friendly cabins in the woods with my hunky partner, and the little zen kid being home-schooled by ourselves and the friends that would drop by to recover from their hectic city lives in our beautiful mountain retreat. i mean, if we're going to make a wishlist, that's on mine. too bad no one can afford to drive there!

second choice, go to school. at least it's a change. and i can spend more time at home in bed with the cat. "doing my readings". yeah. sounds like an appropriate second choice. that whole "change is as good as a rest" idea that i occasionally think was made up by workaholics. actually, in light of that, let's drop school to third choice, b&b to second choice and introduce number one as: society recovers from stress-induced, high speed, one-winner-only competition to be the world's biggest, "smartest", "most powerful and respected" greedy idiot. there we go. that would be great. then we could all relax, instead of just the lucky folks who own b&bs.

am i whiny? spoiled? should i be thankful that i don't have to run from bombs, eat bugs to stay alive or attend to my arranged-marriage-husband's every 'need'? yes, definitely yes. and i am glad of all those things. until i forget.

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