oh, that wasn't the peak after all!

i feel like my heart hurts, but as the untitled rumi poem states,

whoever finds love
beneath hurt and grief

disappears into emptiness
with a thousand new disguises.

i looked into why i let go and found that love was underneath my actions. specifically, i found my shortcomings and my efforts to sabotage something i wasn't actually ready for, even as i wanted it. to let go now instead of "try, try again" is to trust my judgment, my feelings on where i am at and what i am willing and committed to. i took off the rose-coloured spectacles, and maybe less pain will happen because of that. there doesn't seem to be a shortage of pain.

i'm finding an adventurous aspect of pain, well, it's interesting. it's engaging. it's not a well-balanced diet but there is something to it that nurtures me. a friend once told me of his gradual conversion plan to re-label time that could be called "depression" as self-care time; quiet, soft, nurturing little licks of attention and gentleness given by him to him.

and you know, i'm still hungry for life. still ready to rejoice in a thousand new disguises. still wondering what i'll do next and where it will take me. looking forward to unpacking it.