October 6, 2008

pushups for pushovers

i had a strong day today, as a lovely friend of mine might say. it's funny how when i'm feeling depressed, even strong days are muted.

but it's refreshing to be able to identify depression more often in the present, instead of in hindsight. and sometimes, it can be like water; makes moving harder, but easily negotiated, simply requiring knowledge of its state. once i know i'm moving in water, i can swim instead of walk, i can learn from my environment and adapt my behaviour. so what does the state of depression offer my intelligent scrutiny? not trying to solve it, just notice it.

convinces me it's heavy.
space inside feels smaller.
activities seem futile, how? change seems just out of reach... order reigns.

i was reading today about diversity and life needing it. oops! right, just in case. how could we forget? more than one way. right. got it. diversity. of course. yet i forget my own life needs it. or rather, i assume it will exist always. i mean, it's chaos, know what i'm sayin? but i guess we can beat it out of ourselves. or at least, into retreat. so, champion disorder. but, but, my mind insists, messiness isn't always the sign of a creative mind, sometimes it's a sign of a sick one.

i think the balance is harmony. bits of buzz n flutter; occasionally sweeping out the leaves. not ordered to death, not unsustainable tumult. so easy on paper. diversity. harmony.

right. on it. zzzzzen away! lightly, spaciously.

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