September 19, 2008

rolling out the dough

it's that spot where the emergencies seem to be over but normalcy has not returned, and systems are still on yellow alert.

decisions are on the table. and i cannot shelve them. things like "how does forgiveness work in a relationship that has taken a major blow but still has strong roots?" and "when a friend screws another friend over, or when friends gang up on a friend without taking the time to investigate the full story, who are my friends and do i get involved?" (yeah, that's about forty questions) or even the simple "what do i sacrifice when i can't have it all?" which i wonder why i don't put into practice when the answer is so obvious. sacrifice my lazy habits. not my rewards, my lazy habits. eating out three times a week because i can't be bothered to pack a lunch ends up being far more expensive than a once-a-month camping trip.

okay. solve the simple ones and work backwards. from finances, we move on to love and self-care. uhhh, maybe go back to finances. can i solve someone else's problems? so much easier... (i am willing to trade: email me! just kidding - it's like peeing for someone else. the logistics get all messy. okay, i'll get off the couch and move the cat)

i guess my uncertainty and self-doubt is broken down into two sets. one, the "haven't done this before" set. i tend to walk away when people suck. but when someone acknowledges they sucked, apologizes, doesn't attempt to justify, takes away the means that enabled their suckiness, commits to working on the source of the trouble AND i still care for them and value the relationship, then i'm all for a second chance. it's just that people don't tend to go for that option. but someone has! which makes them pretty freaking fabulous for an erring human, i think.

this leads into the second set of self-doubt. i call this the "yeah, but i tend to talk myself into repeating the same lousy judgment patterns over again" set. the counter-argument notes that i have stated facts, not judgments. except for the word "commit". how have they committed to seeking the source(s) of their behaviour? how long until i am certain of their commitment? it's good that i have identified my own need for safety, but can i really rely on someone else's priorities being the same as mine? this is the question i come back to. i don't want eternal proof (mostly since it would take an eternity to get, and somewhat because i continue to believe i am not that anal). but i need to decide when to trust the process and that person. sounds like my brain has taken me pretty far, and time to check in with my heart.

friends. no. brain resists. another day. the gossip-mill will continue to find fodder, and more victims will likely fall before we, as a community, realize how obnoxious and poisonous it can be to listen to one version and not the other before forming an opinion. if my peer group was late teens, i would be more sympathetic. kwan yin gets displaced by grandma shocked-and-appalled.

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