May 14, 2010

simply rich.

another day off. i spot a trend.

but today i am enjoying myself more than i did on the last day off. and it's a funny thing, enjoying oneself. at least, it is for me. the experience is one that has been hammered into as one of value. you WANT to be happy; you better be happy. so i am happy. sure i am.

and who the fuck knows, and why am i focused on it, like the next badge in life scouts; a sun with a smiley-face. even those to whom i am accustomed to sharing with honestly have stated they were surprised to learn i have spent more of my time unhappy than happy. but why is that a surprise? it's not so much a pleasing world when you look at the people (and i do). (i can't help it; i live in a city, and the people are what's on display.)

in any case, i actually have felt happy in the last year or so. a friend of mine, known for his reluctant stoicism (he shoulders a burden proudly, might i add, in apparent paradox to the reluctance of his stoicism) checked in on me when i was expressing initial happiness (sometime last winter). he had concern i would topple; manic is followed by a crash, he warned.

yes yes. i grew up with that. truly, i congratulate him, since that's the role i play with many - check-ins where no one else would check in, seeing past the sugar into the cavity. and yes, up is conveniently paired with its less exotic sibling, down. down and i go far enough back that i cannot snub him at parties, and though i probably do (drink another cider!), he'll catch up with me on the way home.

but anyway, this post was ostensibly about the difference between an enjoyed day off; today, and a day off that got moped through; previous entry (all in denial then, of course. you'll have to go back and read between the lines).

today i woke up to the queen, several times. wandering home, i had coffee with a friend of mine who just got onto the heli-tack team, and whose summer job is fly around in choppers and protect a park on the edge of the rockies from uncontrolled fire, pine beetles and other out-of-control destruction. while we drank coffee and ate strawberries, he told me about training camp, and the different structures of teams that forest-fire-fighters have.

after he took off i took care of odd household tasks, then sewed a matching bikini top and skirt out of an old sundress whose fit had gone all funny. i am quite pleased with the result and wore it in the backyard, sunning and doing lazy situps (nothing like a bikini top to get me in the mood for situps; i have not been very devoted. clearly, this is a lack of bikini tops). this prompted a long-needed fit of body-care and culminated in a gorgeous blue dress and cowboy boots (my pride and joy, given to me by my dad when i was fifteen) and a trip out for mushrooms and cider. now i am making dinner (spicy tomato rice dish) for the queen and i, and later, we'll go to see the tallest man on earth.

what's the difference between today and that other day? even if i knew, i couldn't order any, so why bother?


  1. Nowadays you envy a manic-depressive. Half the time he's happy, the other half he's right. ~Robert Brault