knew i would, after letting go of so much. tried to gear down nearing arrival so as to soften the landing, but i'm still new at being gentle with myself. so many of the old habits are still kicking around, 'willing to help'. and now i'm in the grey and blurry here: not sure what i'm drawn to because i'm so focused on resistance. waters of the hopeful future muddied with one moment of doubt. a or b? ohshitohshitohshitAorB??
the ennui of maintenance combined with the weight of all previous efforts (which don't exist anywhere other than my list of failed attempts) is a heavy blanket to the slim flame of 'for fuck's sake, i'm smarter than this, i feel loved and i can build my way to the horizon i want to see'.
new direction falters. but i'm already far enough away from the old shore and still have the new mantra tucked into my head. plus i'm stubborn. that works both ways, oh gaoler.
the new moon's muted call. i speculate at the window of my tiny inflatable life raft, mixing metaphors in my wake.
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