singing my future

sitting in a hostel, thinking about my past. what has shaped me to be the way i am: my decision-making, my behaviour under pressure, my goals, dreams and what i expect myself to achieve and bear witness to.

i am the kind of person that walks for an hour in the moonlight back up the road to the hostel at three in the morning. i am shyer than i thought i was, and i want other people to try harder to get to know me before i spill myself to anyone. i care enough to ask questions and pay attention to the answers, but i care selectively.

i hate doing the hard thing but i do it anyway, because i know it's easier than thinking about it forever (i continue to take a long time to do some things, which reinforces this truth; ten days of not cleaning the bathroom and half an hour is how long it takes). i decide to do something and then forget about why, and forget that others don't feel the same way (seriously? people think it's too expensive to eat organic but they buy a car? what kind of logic is that??).

i bail on myself on a regular basis, shortchanging myself in favour of whoever has more power than i do. i question my ability to actually care for myself, and deny my body the ability to feel well on a regular basis. what am i punishing myself for?

i live more in my daydreams than this shared reality.

i consider the factors that shaped me: the time and space i was born and raised in, my parents and schooling, my choices as i grew older about friends and lifestyles.

i think about my dad's life and death, and i sing the song i sang at his funeral: who am i?