who do i have to ask for some service around here?

i am starting to challenge myself. i recognize the stinky unwillingness to move any further, the obstinate four-year-old's feet stuck in the mud. i am DONE with this, the attitude says. but this is not done with me.

the panic rises as excuses run out, and as the panic rises, my view narrows. this is inevitable. wouldn't evolution invariably reward those who choose safety, and are willing to lose some of what they have? but the impulse to be smaller is not the solution every time. i start to make little deals with myself, saying it's okay to fritter away my moments, lost in a daze of subdued fear. i start convincing myself i can live on less than enough, rather than risk facing what could take everything away.

nothing and no one will stop me from doing that. living a half-life. only that. over and over. never more.

because although the universe has an infinite amount to gain from me flowering, growing, flying my gifts over mountains and oceans to share, it would stand to reason this is the same potential the universe has everywhere. perhaps the universe evolves most efficiently by investing in ourselves as much as we do. "... helps those who help themselves"

it begins with my change. offer my change, my state, ask myself what i would give myself if i were someone else, start exactly that. attention diverted toward what i want, what is the predicted result?