February 10, 2009

tools of the trade

i am having a good day, where the songs in my head are robust and frolicky. walked across the high level bridge today, and the sun was blinding. shared dinner with the gnomes; a household affair plus a friend from next door. continuing to love the way i relate with my roommates. i finally understand how effortlessness works. we're very close. i think two very key parts are that we are all relatively healthy, and willing to do what is required.

found a great set of shields to image, on the occasions where the sheer number of people or feelings i pick up are not very fun. i am learning these empath ways starting to actually take care of myself (which is currently defined as more than the least one can get away with, much to my chagrin). i was resistant and slapdash about self-care not because i was lazy, or even out of low self-esteem (though it is there, it's always present). i neglected myself because i wasn't in crisis, and other people were, so i had best tend to them. or else, i had to be in crisis.

it has taken a while, but i think i can be happy in a world where not everyone is happy. though even typing the phrase brings on an ill feeling in my gut. is it revulsion over the pain or shame for not being completely selfless? does it matter? i've probably already wandered away from the point. anyway. even basic logic comes around eventually: how would my unhappiness help? i don't need to be unhappy in order to motivate myself to help others. rather the reverse.

not to mention (and this one is tougher to swallow for my desperately helpful self) that it's possibly not really necessarily for me to make them happy or even help them be happy. seriously. that road to hell saying ain't just a saying. codependency, anyone? no thanks!

so i sit with my own happiness and enjoy it while it's here. butterflies tend to be fleeting.

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