drafts and dreams

it's challenging, the holiday season. and now it's done. for the first time, it seems, i recognize the magnitude of what i've accomplished: family gifted, time shared with the myriad of out-of-towners who came back to the nest to warm themselves, presence shown at various social gatherings, internal pressure only erupting a few times and seemingly having not caused any irreversible damage... seemingly. the cold, desolate months of january and february stretch emptily before me and i am grateful for their emptiness. space to grow in. stretch in. draw in.

i am stunningly broke. the cheque i received today is for less than bills and rent. suddenly, all that time off is seen in a new context. days of gallivanting, early morning sleeps, funerals, roadtrips and more. oops.

i still have a bit in the bank to help pad the fall, but we'll be hitting ground soon, baby. dipping into the currencies of luck and loved ones. enjoying eating lightly and paying the phone bill two weeks late. i understand why this is a little stressful, seeing as it's operating at a deficit and this touches my value of being self-sufficient and responsive to my own needs. however, i can only let the stress hit the point of gaza. or nigeria. my country is not war-torn. eternal occupation, starvation, normalized rape, these are not happening to me. phone bills? they're absurd. don't waste my time. love? you're on.

a moment of silence, and then it continues.